The Last Best Hope

I have a Toddler!

2011-10-09T21:57:00.002-05:00

heath had his 1 year appointment. He's 30.5", 24.6 lbs. He has 8 teeth and 3.5 molars. He's a loving, eating, screeching machine! The doctor wants me to take away his bottle, his paci, and his formula. yikes!

His birthfather has reached out to us in the days leading up to his birthday. C said how much he loves him and misses him. How hard it was and is to make an adoption plan. He says he's knows Heath has the best parents possible and that helps the hurt. I was very glad to hear from him. I've been saving pictures and letters for him. I took this picture for him because he loves to hunt!

I want another baby but the fucking I.R.S is making it impossible!! Oct 23 is our next "hear from them" date.

one month short of a year

2011-08-31T22:42:00.002-05:00

i cannot believe Heath is almost a year old! time flies. WE've had a very rough month. On the 11th he feel backward off a little baby chair about 6 inches off the ground. With his height it was probably a total of 3 feet. We let him lay there a few seconds to make sure nothing was broken. He let out about 5 seconds of crying. then flipped himself onto his knees and took off in his crab crawling style!

Fastward 3 hours. to 8 pm We fed him 8 oz and put him to bed. 30 minutes later he woke up vomiting. He's never puked before. ever. We didn't think much of it until he threw up again with in 15 minutes. We called the doctor's nurse. They said anytime a child hits their head and then throws up within 4 days they should be seen. We loaded him up and headed to the ER about a half hour away. He threw up twice more on the way up there. By the time it was all said and done he threw up 15x!

He got a CT scan (no cracks, fractures, or bleeders). They finally managed to get an IV in his arm - which he kept trying to yank out. He got saline and anti-naseua meds. We finally got to a room at 130 am. He and I spent the night. In the morning the doctor came around. Pronounced a concussion and sent us on our way. It was a scary night!

Then last week I got a call from the sitter that he had a fever of 102. Also something he's never had. That was on Tuesday. He wasn't fever free until Sunday! He had no symptoms other than a fever of between 100-102. Poor guy was crabby crabby crabby. The doctor said it was a virus... possibly hand foot and mouth disease. He never did develop any sores (yay!). BUt he does have 4 new teeth!

Now that we are finally over the fever he has a diaper rash making him look like a red butted baboon. Very little sleep has been had around these parts.

He's now 11 months old. I cannot believe it! Today, he waved bye-bye independently. Now he waves at everyone including the dog. He loves to chase the dog around the ottoman shrieking the entire time. he creeps along everything - actually more like speeds. He likes to hang on with just the littlest of grips. He loves anything electronic or valuable.

He's an eating machine. Devouring puffs and crunchies. He likes to have a crunchie in each hand. He'll bit one in half visciouly and while crushing the one in his other hand to dust. He's adorable. I love him to bits!!

I want another one!

Eye Candy of the Junior Mint

2011-08-08T20:40:00.003-05:00

One of my nicknames for his is "The Junior Mint".

On this morning I noticed my son is GIGANTIC!!! Where did my baby go??

I spend my days separating him and the dog. They just want to love on each other but it ends with one or both of them getting PO'd! Plus nothing is as much fun as a dog toy right?

His last month's birthday portrait. Attitude all the way! He ripped off his sock and flipped up his collar!

Is he going to bite me or kiss me? It's hard to tell. LOVE LOVE LOVE him!!

It's been forever

2011-08-05T17:00:00.002-05:00

I know. I'm a horrible blogger. Heath is 10 mo now. He's creeping along the sofa and anything else that is nailed down. He can pull himself up. He's not yet taking independent steps. He does this crab crawl where he has his right leg up. He can REALLY move!

The dog is terrified. They're about the same size. Heath has a snotty face cold. Several times yesterday the dog was trying to lick him clean. I had to separate them. Of course if I tried to get snot off his face he screamed bloody murder. The dog though? Peals of laughter.

He's got his two bottom teeth and his top four front teeth. He's working on more. I think it's two more on top!

He's an eating machine. He loves the Ger.ber crunchies and orange foods. He's not real excited about mixes of stuff. From the way they smell I can't blame him.

His birthmom has moved with no forwarding address. We're still FB friends so I follow her on there. I'm putting pictures and letters in an envelope for her for if/when we see her again. I'm tagging photos for her and she hasn't been untagging herself.

We went to a bank dinner last night. Old high school friends of my parents were there. They have 4 adopted children. They used Cath.olic Charities in the late 60's and early 70's. They went and met with someone for the diocese for about an hour or so. Then they waited. And a few months later they had a newborn. SEriously. I think the way it is now is MUCH better. ONe of their children (that she mentioned) is in contact with her birth grandmother. The birth parents refused to see her or have contact with her after she wouldn't list them as grandparents in her son's baptism program. I find it interesting how many people I know that are touched by adoption that I never knew.

5x7 Folded Card

2011-06-29T22:13:00.001-05:00

Picture In Portrait 5x7 folded card

Shutterfly offers custom St. Patrick's Day cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Vacation!

2011-06-23T21:56:00.003-05:00

We went to Maine. It was awesome. Heath did great on the plane. Not a peep. He charmed everyone along the way.

We are so blessed!

Random Thoughts

2011-05-21T09:25:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone! We do still live and breathe over here (and squirm and shriek and giggle and cry). Heath is doing awesome although he has a hacking cough currently. Hopefully, it's a cold and not allergies. The pollen count is out of control in these parts.

I'm really working to get him to say "mama". I will be crushed if he says "papa" first. Mr H has already had 4 chances at that. This appears to be my only chance.

Heath's birthmom has lots going on. I'm concerned she's going to move and we're going to lose contact with her. i try to write things down for and save pictures she posts for Heath in case that does happen.

I see she's sold the bed we bought her - which of course is her right, it's her bed but I'm annoyed because getting the damn thing was a three week and very costly drama last summer.

Heath is allergic to fruit. Every single thing I've given him has caused blotches on his face and head. We'll try again in a few months.

He's eating 1 to 2 containers of Gerb.er stage one veggies a day. He's still drinking probably 40 oz of formula and is having a handful of puffs.

He loves to stand and to bounce. Of course he can't do any of those unaided.

MC hasn't asked for a visitation and she's got so much going on right now that I don't think it's a good time. I'm not sure if I'm the one that should suggest visits or if it's up to her. I realize there's no rules or guidelines. It's kind of like with Mr H's kids' mother I don't feel it's my job to enforce visits with her. ugh.

Practically 7 months old

2011-04-21T20:24:00.002-05:00

Jr is practically seven months old.

I can't believe it!

He sits up on his own (sort of).

He eats squash, sweet potatos, peas, and appears allergic to bananas.

His two bottom front teeth has broken through.

He's the light of my life.

I don't know what to say. I'm just being a parent. I don't think about the adoption all that much. I tell him about his birthparents. I wonder about his birthparents. I try to decipher their FB stati (plural of status). I cringe when I get an email from them because it's usually a plea for money. I did send her a phone card last month. I helped her to find local resources to help her out. I did not give her cash like she requested repeatedly. She told me she loved us anyway.

I can't make her make good choices.

I think about the type of relationship we have. I don't know what it is. I send her updates and pictures monthly. She asked for videos of him. I took a bunch and sent them today. She doesn't share much - which is her right. I wish I knew more about her. Things I could tell her son. She's not a letter writer or an emailer or much of a talker (at least with me). Truth be told I don't think we have much of a relationship.

So these are the things I do think about. It's draining. I know she misses him and loves him.

I read a birthmother blog today where the write posted that she believes adopted parents realize that the child is never "fully theirs". So now I'm ruminating on that.

I know this is all over the place. Maybe because I'm out of practice.

5 months old

2011-03-02T19:59:00.000-06:00

March 1, 2010

Dear Heath~

You are 5 months old today (well, yesterday – but there was no February 29th this year so it's today). You continue to delight and amaze us!

You're sleeping through the night almost constantly. We give you a bottle around 5 or 6 pm and put you in your jammies (most of which you are quickly outgrowing!). Between 7 or 8 pm you fall asleep for the night.We usually don't have to get up with you until 430 or 5 in the morning! The pack and play is still in our bedroom so you're very easy to get to!

The exersaucer is your favorite piece of equipment. You can pull the things to make noise and music. You love to lurch back and forth in it while throwing your hands up in the air, squealing and smiling. Today, I thought you were going to flip it you had it rocking so much! You've just started to laugh occasionally. It's the best sound in the world and squeezes my heart!

You HATE to miss anything. You're constantly looking around, craning your neck and twisting your body to follow the puppy, papa, me or Nicky. When it's time to go to sleep you fuss and cry while rubbing your eyes and kicking your feet. It goes on and on and the POOF! All the sudden it stops and you are conked out. Pulling your blanket, lovey, or bib up over your face and eyes is a favorite thing to do. If we dare to pull them down or move then away from your face or mouth you wake up and glare at us! It makes us laugh everytime.

We've tried giving you cereal for a month now. Horrified is the best way to describe. I managed to capture your expression on film. It's priceless! Although, you love to eat, cereal is not cutting it. Sometimes with your bottle you're eating 8oz of formula. You've just started pushing the bottle away if you're not interested or jamming it back in your mouth if you want more.

I've been calling you “rootie toot toot” because of how gassy and stinky you are! Sometimes the puppy will even leave the room – and he LOVES stinky stuff!

We finally got your social security card in the mail. The next step is to go and get your passport. You and I went to the photographer here in town to get your passport pictures taken. The photographer said they were the cutest baby passport pictures he'd ever taken in 25 years!

Your birthmom loves you and misses you. She called the other night to make sure you were o.k. (you were). She said to give you “lots of loves”.

We need to measure and weigh you again. It seems like you are much bigger (and longer) all of the sudden.

Heath, you are such a delight. We love you to pieces! We can't believe you've been ours for 5 months already!

Love,

Mama and Papa

Heart Sick

2011-02-03T19:31:00.002-06:00

I knew it was going to happen at some point. I just knew.

Over the weekend I got a FB from MC asking for money. They "have no one else to turn to". They wanted to borrow $100 until they get their tax refund.

Mr H was gone. I decided to ignore it. I was (and still am) nauseous about it.

Thank God our adoption is final. I can't imagine the panic I would be feeling if it weren't.

Hours later I got a text from the birthfather asking if I got the FB message.

It's almost a week later. I haven't heard anything else from them.

They entrusted me with their child for life. How can I say no? But how could I possibly say yes?

Have any of you been in this situation? What would you do? How would you react?

A First!

2011-01-28T18:06:00.002-06:00

Somebody slept through the night for the first time!! Well, it was 2 nights ago because he did it again last night!

We put him down (gosh I hate that phrase)(i grew up on a farm - there "putting down" is NOT good!). So we put him to bed at 830pm-ish and he slept until 6 am the next morning! He did it again last night. You'd think I'd have gotten a good night's sleep but the opposite is true. I kept waking up wondering why he wasn't waking up. And if he wasn't waking up was he still alive??

He was :-)

He's four months tomorrow.

It appears (from FB) that his birthparents got married. They've been together for a long time but they seem to have a love/hate relationship. I hope it works out.

I've been thinking alot about a second child. The thought of going through all the paperwork (and expense) is too much. I wonder if that will change as we get further away (and once we get our tax credit). Things are tight right now.

Mr H calls the baby "Little One" but he's calling the dog that, too. It makes me laugh!

Reflections

2011-01-15T22:54:00.003-06:00

As I held Heath today feeding him I was overwhelmed with waves of love. Love for the sweet little, slobbery round headed fellow clutching the front of my shirt and my pinky who was making contented sighs as he gulped down his bottle.. For his birthmom MC who I think about daily and follow on FB. She has so many good things going in her life right now. I'm very happy for her yet sad that she's missing out on all the smiles and coos, and slobbery gummy laughs of our son.

Soon he will be 4 months old. The Dr said then we can start him on cereal with his formula. I can't imagine. He's growing up so very very fast. I love this smiley happy stage of his life. I've learned though that leaning him in for a kiss can quickly get my covered in spit up and other stinky goo.

Adoption is such a weird and wonderful thing. I'm so glad we have him. I know how much I love him. I can't imagine him not being here and being a part of our lives. I can't imagine how MC and C must feel with him gone.

His birth certificate came. We are listed as his parents. It's his original birth certificate. I'd expected that we'd get an original with their names and then have to get an amended one. Apparently, that's not how it works in their state.

Getting a SS # so far has been a nightmare. Part of it is because the adoption is already finalized. Now I have to get copies of his medical records to prove he's alive. Having him
with me doesn't count. Nor does his birth certificate count as an id. The SS guy asked what I had as an id for him. Hello!! He's 15 weeks old. It's not like he's driving. I'm going to try it again on his four month dr appointment. Looks like I'll be taking the day off.

3 months old!

2011-01-01T09:09:00.003-06:00

He smiles til the preflash goes...then i get this grumpy look!

They're getting used to each other! I call this "Two Poopers on the Couch"

I love this hat! He's not really ever very grouchy, though!

Heath was not too sure about his first bath fully in the sink. He had been just laying him on one of those giant sponge things and scrubbing him off that way. He's longer than the sponge now, however!

Here's my little chubba lubba on his 3 month birthday! He's unofficially 18.5# and 25 inches long! He doesn't have another doctor appointment until Feb 1.

His birthmom and I recently came to the brilliant idea of her tagging herself in FB pictures that she wants! It's been way easier than guessing which ones she might like.

I am so happy to be Heath's mommy! I cannot believe how quickly he is growing and changing! It's really too bad the waiting didn't go this fast :-)

Santa!

2010-12-19T21:38:00.002-06:00

Back to Work

2010-12-13T18:49:00.002-06:00

I went back to work on 11/29. It was Heath's first day with a babysitter. It was my birthday. As I hauled him and his stuff into the sitter's I "twinged" my back. I've pretty much been out of commission ever since. I missed the next two days of work due to not being able to move or stand without assistance. Then I worked 2 half days with a day off in between. I made 4 trips to the chiro (thank goodness for the HSA).

Mr H had to do all baby duty for about 1.5 weeks. I felt bad for him he was exhausted. WIth my back it was impossible to lift the baby without pain. I felt like such a rotten mother.

I'm mostly recovered now. The 17 year old is riding with me to and from daycare so he can haul the baby in and out. I hope that ends this week.

We got hit with the snow/ice/arctic temps over the weekend. We didn't leave the house at all. I had the baby so bundled up this morning I'm shocked he could breathe. It's predicted for -30 tonight!

Heath is growing like crazy. He will fit in something one day and the next day it's too small! With it being so cold I'm pretty much keeping him in sleepers constantly.

I finally got our Christmas cards done. Now I just have to wait for them to arrive.

I've been thinking about MC a lot. I sent her a 2 mo update and some more photos. We're done paying her expenses now. From her FB posts she seems to be doing well. She did have a "down" post one day. I emailed and let her know how much she means to us, how much we love the baby, and how often we think of her. She said it helped. I wish we had more back and forth contact with her than we do. She mainly texts and posts to FB with her phone. She's not a letter writer or an emailer.

I've been torn as to what to do about Christmas with her and the birthfather. Gifts. No Gifts. Ugh. I just don't know!

2 Months Old

2010-12-04T14:40:00.003-06:00

Somebody is growing way too fast for his Mommy!

He's 12.9 lbs now and 23.75" long! He's awake a lot more but is still a sweet, mellow, chilled out baby! People marvel at him!

I went back to work on Monday. I threw my back out that same day. I spent the rest of the week at home inert. Mr H had to do all the baby duties all the time (along with taking care of me duties)! I was in so much pain physically, plus I couldn't pick the little bugger up or hold him for very long without aggravating it. I hope I'll be better by Monday.

A girl at work's mom is watching him the few hours a week I work. It's really ideal. I love my job but I'm not sure how long I'll last. I really miss my punkin when I'm gone!

Part 4

2010-11-04T08:50:00.003-05:00

The rest of the birth story -

It's kind of a sleepless blur. At no time we were worried that MC would change her mind. I was surprised by that. At 11 am we fed the baby for the first time. 24 hours after that he would have a test (PKU i think)(I'm still not sure what that is) after which he and we would be released.

Mr H and I took turns having a shower. We fed and changed him. The nurses said to feed him every 3 hours. We took and made phone calls, we stared at him in wonder, and we tried to catch some Z's. We took him over to see MC and left him there for half an hour or so. C brought him back. Mr H took C home to get a change of clothes and to run some errands. We must have had some supper. I don't remember.

Around 9 pm MC and C came over to kiss the baby good night. MC kept telling him how much she loved him and giving him little kisses. We said "Good night Mama" and she went back to her room to bed. After more feedings and diapers I finally got some good sleep going when I woke up with a start. It was a nurse looming over me at 3 am telling me it was time to feed the baby.

The three of us made it through our first night just fine.

We had to switch rooms because so many babies were being born and the hospital needed our 2 bedded room. We ended up in a triage type room for few hours.

The lawyer emailed telling us what the procedure for the day would be. She'd visit MC and have her sign some papers (appointing the adoption agency as guardian - I think). Then she'd some and see us and have us sign a bunch of paper. A social worker came and spoke to MC about the adoption.

Just after 11 the nurse came to take Baby H for his 24 hour test and for the pictures the hospital takes. MC had asked that we help her get those pictures so we made sure to have him looking his best! He passed the test, they managed to sort of get him to open his eyes for the pictures, and they told us we could stay as long as we needed.

Around 1 the lawyer arrived. We signed lots of paperwork. Then MC, C and the Auntie came over to tell the baby good-bye. It was sweet and tearful. I even got C to hug me. Auntie was shocked! We told them we'd come back to visit after court and before we headed home - which would probably be in a week.

The lawyer made plans to run errands with MC and to give them all rides home. We strapped Baby Love into the car seat and THEY LET US WALK OUT OF THE HOSPITAL WITH HIM!!

That may have been the most unbelievable part of this entire thing!

We headed a couple of hours down the road to wait for our court date. We camped out in a Residenc.e Inn. We had 2 bedrooms and a kitchen. It was perfect for our little family!

One month old

2010-10-30T05:17:00.002-05:00

My Dear Little Squeaker -

You're One Month old now! I can't believe it! It's been the best month of my life hands down so far! Papa and I love love love you and can't remember life before you arrived!

We spent the first 10 days of your life in Arkansas where you were born and where your birthparents live. They love you very much, too!

While we were in Arkansas we visited The Clinton Library, the Central High School National Historic Site, the State Capitol, and the Art Museum. Papa and I ate lots of catfish and bar-b-Que while we were there.

You went to your first restaurant which was the Woodfire Grill. Uncle K, Aunt J and the boys took us out when they came to see us in Little Rock. You weren't impressed, sleeping the entire time.

Big Grandpa and Grandma G came to see us in Arkansas and went to the Finalization hearing with us.

On October 8, 2010 at 10:10 am you became ours forever!! You slept through that as well.

You sleep a lot. At first you slept almost constantly. You don't fuss much. When you're upset or getting hungry you make little squeaking noises. Now that you're a month old you're awake a couple of hours a day. You like to look around. The ceiling fan and lights are your favorite things to look at.

You're eating 4 oz of formula consistently. It takes about 45 minutes to feed and burp you. Papa and I usually do a diaper change in the middle to wake you up and get you to finish your bottle. Some days you are super hungry and we have to give you 2 more ounces.

You're not a puker and you don't spit up very often. Although, you did get Mama good today while we were at Grandma G's. You gulped down your bottle in 10 minutes, then burped and puked it all over my shoulder, my back, and Grandma's chair! I had to wear one of Grandma's sweatshirts home!

Loud noises and being cold are your least favorite things in life.

I call you "Squeaker", "Punkin" or "the Lump". Papa calls you "Little One". We both call you "Francis" sometimes which is the dog! That's just because he was our baby for so long before you arrived and it slips out when we aren't thinking about it.

Francis wasn't sure what to think about you at first. He's a little bit jealous and will want to sit on our laps or next to us when we are feeding you. He likes to lay on your playmat and make the things that hang down jingle and rattle. If I'm not paying attention he'll try to lick your head!

When you were born you weighed 6 lbs 13.1 oz and 20 inches long. At your one week check up you were still the same length but you were up to 7 lbs 4 oz! AT your 2 weeks check up you weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and were 20.5 inches long. You're just a little guy! You're in the 10-25% for weight; the 50th percentile for length; and with a head circumference of 13.25" you're in the 5th to 10th percentile.

Your hair is getting darker. You have a swirly, counter-clockwise cowlick on the back of your head. Your eyelashes and eyebrows are very, very faint and just starting to come in.

Your cheeks are starting to get chubby. I love to kiss them when I'm burping you. You love to sleep with your hands up by your face or with both arms thrown above you head. When you're in that position I say you must be French because you surrender to everyone!

Right now you are sleeping in the bassinet in Papa and Mama's room. During the day we'll put you on the couch or love seat with a pillow to keep you from rolling off. You can't roll over yet but you really, really want to do so! You've been trying to since you were 1 day old! You're never very far away from us.

It's not necessary to rock you, bounce you, or sing to you to get you to go to sleep. You're really the most mellow and easy going baby. You hardly ever fuss. If you are fussy people that don't know you don't notice because your fussy is most babies' "good" behavior!

Papa and I love you very much! MC and C love you very much! We're so very glad you are here!

Love,

Mama

Part 3

2010-10-25T14:50:00.007-05:00

So. There sat Mr H and myself with a baby. our baby. a real, live baby. OMG. It was really weird. We wrapped the little guy up like a burrito and sat there. Mr H went down to the cafeteria to get some food. All through the pregnancy MC had been raving about the food at this hospital. How great it is. How happy she was to be giving birth there because of the great food.

IT was awful! LOL. I went down later and got something else. I ran into the anesthesiologist who delivered Little H. He had on a lightning McQueen scrub cap (the only reason I recognized him). He asked how the little guy was doing. Said he was beautiful and congratulated me again. "That was fun!" he said, "I don't often get to deliver babies!"

I got back upstairs. I showered. Mr H called some family. I felt sooo much more human after that shower. Mr H took a shower. I poked Little H to make sure he was still alive. I texted my best momma friend saying I just poked him! She laughed at me and said, "there's nothing like holding your heart in your hands is there Mama?"

I love her! Her comments and her congratulatory Voicemail is what finally made me cry. I mean I got teary and misty when Little H was born but it was just too much, too surreal. I couldn't fathom it. Yet, now, here i was...holding my child. Who was and is and will be totally dependant on me for a long long time.

Mr H and I tried to get some rest. They told us we'd need to feed him every 3 hours. Those beds are dang uncomfortable.

We wheeled him back over to see the birth parents. We got MC a necklace. It's a key and symbolizes Little H being the key to our hearts and hopefully the key to their future. She loved it. She wears it constantly. I see it in pics of her. The visit didn't last too long. She was still in pain and very tired.

Later she texted and said her sister wanted to see him. Her sister came to our room. We tried to make small talk. We agreed it was "weird".

She said "ya'll were always the ones. She looked at all those books. She looked at yours first and said it was you. She kept looking at other books but said 'nope it's the first ones'. It was always ya'll."

I thanked her for being supportive of MC. The baby started fussing. I said, "What'd you think Baby Love? Do you need changed? Do you want Aunt MC to do it?"

Tears instantly sprang to her eyes, "You'll let him call me Aunt MC?" she asked in disbelief.

Of course! Y0u're his Aunt MC after all! We're family now." I smiled at her.

Then the two of us gazed at Baby Love in wonder.

Birth Story Part Deux

2010-10-18T09:59:00.005-05:00

So we got settled in our own room in the hospital across the floor from MC. Mr H and I were ina room with 2 beds. At 11 it was time to feed the little guy. We were using the Enfami.l ready to use premium infant formula. We figured that was a better choice since the simi.lac had been recalled. Also, the ready to go bottles appealed to us because of our away from home situation.

Heath took right to the bottle. He was (and continues to be) a hungry little guy. Several nurses came in a talked to us while we were feeding. They let us know that we'd be there for 24 hours. They'd do a test at his first feeding, then another 24 hours after his first feeding after which we'd be released. Our hospital was VERY adoption friendly. One of the nurses had adopted from the Ukraine (are you reading DEbra?) and another had adopted 2 children domestically. That was very cool for us!

During this time we were texting back and forth with MC. She was having some trouble getting cleaned up and doing all the post birth things that needed done. Once everything got settled we took Heath over to see her. It was very sweet. The birthfather had gotten her some roses and this thing for the door. It was blue with a big rosette with a bear in the middle and a rattle. The ribbons on the rosette had places to put all the baby's birth states. They intended to send it home with us.

MC held him. gave him kisses. checked out his little toes and feet. She kept saying how much she loved him and how he's "going to have the best life ever". No pressure there! We didn't stay too long as she was very tired and very hungry. We went back to our room. Told her to text when she was ready to see him again and to get some rest.

I'm in Love!

2010-10-04T07:00:00.006-05:00

With my sweet little son :-)

Everything (well, most everything) is fantastic! Baby H...sleeps, eats, and poops...all in a very calm manner. He is so very mellow!

The un-fantastic part is that on Friday we got a call from the lawyer. Her husband was being rushed to the ER with chest pain so she wouldn't be able to get our affidavits filed and get our court date. We completely understand but it would be nice to know when court will be and when we get to go home!

So back to the birth story.

Baby H came shooting out of there like I mentioned. In fact, MC had just gotten her epidural which is why Mr H and the birthfather were out of the room. The staff didn't even have time to get the bed converted. She gave birth in the bed! There was blood and goosh everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, everywhere!

The doc grabbed Baby H got him in the warmer, started the APGAR (he got a 9) and prints. I cut the cut cord. It was so frantic in there. I wasn't sure what they were asking me! It was a ceremonial cutting to be sure (since we were on the other side of the room for MC) but I did it! It was like cutting through rubber tubing.

The old lady I'd gotten in the scuffle with had left with the bassinet so no one knew what to do with the baby. Dr anaesthesiologist got frustrated finally. He said "we aren't supposed to do this", wrapped him in a blanket, scooped him up and sprinted out into and down the hall across the birthing center to Mr H and my room.

We got in there and the lovely blonde nurse started further assessments on him. She was great. She started trying to scrub the gunk off him. She was scrubbing the hell out of him! No need to worry about hurting the baby apparently! He did great on all his assessments and got another 9.

Mr H was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders. We just watched in amazement and wonder. Then we noticed Baby H's chest was heaving a little and he seemed to be gasping. She called for some other nurses. She said he was having a little trouble that she just wanted to get checked. It never amounted to anything and he was fine in a bit. It's just that it took our assessments a while longer than usual.

He's Here!

2010-09-30T01:20:00.003-05:00

Mr and Mrs H are proud to announce the arrival of Baby H!

I can't believe it! We got here at 3:41 am on the 29th. 6#13 oz, 20 inches long. He arrived at 9:54 am. He was delivered by the anthologist! MC went from 6cm to "omg he's here, he's here I have to push!"

"You can't push you're at 6"

"NO HE'S HERE - I HAVE TO PUSH"

"you can't...."

I'm looking down there, I gulp (and gag a little...i mean ewwwww) and sure enough...He was here! He shot outta there like a canon after a tiny quarter of push.

I was all teary and sniffling..It was disgusting and awesome at the same time! He was covered in the stuff (which I'm too tired to think of). They had a hard time getting it all off him. MC didn't want to see him right away...she was in a lot of pain. They did the initial assessment, I cut the cord, i went to get the fathers....stepped out of the room for 3 secs and then had to get into fight with an old lady nurse/gatekeeper to get back in there. She was misinformed about how MC wanted to see him. I got back in with Mr H. The birthfather had gone to the restroom. The old lady had taken off with the bassinette so the anesthesiologist wrapped him up tight, scooped him off, and sprinted down the hall to the other side of the birthing center to our room where further assessments were made.

I'm in love...it wasn't instant. It was weird at first. I'm looking at this baby looking at me looking at him! It's 135 am now and they've got him in the nursery doing a bath and his 2nd 8 hour assessment.

Everything is going great with the birthparents. It's been very, very special. Sweet and heart wrenchingly wonderful.

Whirlwind

2010-09-19T19:17:00.002-05:00

At 1o pm Wed night MC called. she sounded slightly hysterical to me. She was crying a little. They couldn't decided if she was in labor or not. One nurse would tell her she was, the next one would say she wasn't. I asked if we should come to her. I reminded her it's a 10 hour drive for us. She said she didn't know. they were supposed to check her in 10 mins and she'd let us know.

Talk about a long 1o minutes. She didn't call back. I looked at Mr H. He looked at me. I said "should we just go?" He said, "yup." We told the teenagers, we called the pound. At 10:47 pm we were on the road.

We didn't hear from her all through the night.

We got to her town and got checked into our hotel.

I texted her. She replied she'd gotten sent home at 345 am. They'd gotten the contractions to stop (she had been at a minute and a half). The pain was from the baby being in position and ready to go. She's dilated to 2cm. Baby is fine. They moved her due date from 0ct 18 to Oct 12.

I told her we were in town. she apologized for not having the baby! She was shocked (and relieved) that we were there. She said she had to get some sleep. That the medicine was kicking her butt. We said we needed to sleep, too, after our drive.

She ended up sleeping through her appointment with her lawyer about TPR.

We ended up going out for supper with her and the birthfather. We really like them. They are good people. They are smart. And funny. They just haven't had much of a chance in life. We made plans to take MC to her ultrasound the following day and to run some errands with her. B, the birthfather, asked that if they induced her could we pick him up from work so he could be there. Of course, we could do that. He then preceded to make sure that we could get from her apt to the hospital; from the hospital to his work; and back to the hospital.

The next morning MC ended going to the doctor early so we didn't need to take her to the appointment. She's no more dilated. He told her to walk, walk, walk. We decided to head home. We were very glad we went even though we didn't really need to be there. It gave us more time with our baby's parents. That alone made the trip worthwhile. MC thanked us for being there and "for being so supportive". That made me sad...if our little trip down there was supportive...poor girl.

We then made the long trip home. I'm excited for the baby to arrive. I would, however, appreciate a little down time before the next long drive!

On the Move

2010-09-15T20:26:00.002-05:00

MC (the birthmom) texted and said she was in pain, had been since last night, and "felt weird". I called her right away. She said her grandma was going to take her to the hospital. This was at noon. At 130 I texted to ask what was happening. She was waiting to be sent to the maternity ward. Once you reach a certain point (in the pregnancy) they won't see you in the ER. After another hour and a half she'd finally made it into the computer system and the triage area. She was able to get an ultrasound around 430. The baby is up to 6# something. She's up to 2 cm dilated. They've moved the due date up to Oct 12.

830pm...she just called. She's still in pain. The nurse said they're just waiting for lab results. MC said "results of what? you haven't done anything!" Turns out the no one has done a urine or blood draw. The nurse said "it's been hours!" Supposedly, they're "rushing" the results now (that they've performed the tests).

Physically, we're ready to go! Mentally....not sure. It's a good long drive from here. I'm a planner and HATE not knowing!

Hopefully, MC will get some relief and some answers soon. I think we're going to have a baby sooner than later!!

Since then

2010-09-11T06:44:00.002-05:00

It's been a week since we met the birthparents. It's been a relatively calm week. One text for money - all of which was reasonable and expected. She REALLY does not like our lawyer. So she is preferring to go through me. Anything to keep her calm and happy.

Her FB statuses (stati?) have been more and more upbeat as the weeks go by. That gladdens my heart (my cynical, fearful, excited heart).

She had some tests two weeks ago. They never got back to her with the results. I wonder how much of that is because she's a Medi.caid patient? There are two hospitals where she's giving birth. She's now being seen at the "better" one. I had to laugh though because the hospital overlooks a cemetery. If that's not incentive to get well and go home I don't know what would be! Anyway, they called her in yesterday because they'd forgotten to run one test. She's now officially in her 9th month. She was measuring small but the dr said at this point that can change from big to small daily. She's scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday. She says the doctor said "if you make it that long" GULP! Mr H and I have some serious shit getting to get done this weekend!!

The Meeting

2010-09-04T21:36:00.002-05:00

Big sigh of relief. It went well.

However, it didn't start well. At 630 am (while we were still 5 hours away) We got a text saying the birthfather was going to be there, too. Which is fine. BUT really? you didn't know this before 630 am of the day we're meeting?

So we continue to drive. Then an hour before we get there we get another text saying they're going shopping and it'll be another couple of hours. We were glad to have the extra time to rest but we both got the feeling that it was going to get cancelled altogether. I HATE what infertility and the adoption process does to a person. you just think negative all the time. At least we do.

When finally got the call that they were back and we headed over. Her apt is cute. She was very anxious to show it too us. I got a hug from her. Mr H got a handshake. The four of us ended up talking for 2.5 hours. We've made breakfast and some sight seeing plans with them for in the morning.

Mr H and I located the hospital and we stopped at a half dozen hotels to find one that will work for us for a week or 2 stay.

There were still some contradictory things that were said but I think some of it comes from pregnancy brain and I think most of the rest is from her being hormonal and working herself up into a state of total pissed off and then not remembering what she's said.

We both feel a lot better now that we've met.

Hopefully the rest of the wait will be much much better!

The storm

2010-08-31T20:28:00.003-05:00

It's awful. the calls. the texts. the demands for money. the rudeness to the lawyer and the complete sweet as can be to me. Is she hormonal? Is she a con? What do we do?

it's awful. it's making me sick. But we only have a month or so to go. what do we do? it's awful. we're scheduled to meet her this weekend. I'm currently avoiding my phone. we're checking scam boards. we're considering a PI. Then the next day a complete turn around. it's awful.

The Calm

2010-08-22T21:40:00.002-05:00

Things are calm currently. No calls from the lawyer. No calls from the emom. No news is good news it appears. Although she does have the flu. Apparently, Medicaid only pays for 3 prescriptions a month so we helped with some meds for her. A few days letter and it appears she's feeling better.

I got a exer.saucer from my sister's neighbor for $15 and a couple of outfits. We had a coupon for Babies.r.us plus hit a buy one get one sale and got some bottles. We are also the "proud" owners of two packs of diapers, some wipes and a few other things. The crib is arriving this week. We got a crib mattress Friday night. I feel confident in saying if he arrived tomorrow we'd be prepared (except emotionally of course :-).

I'm really enjoying getting people's congratulations and how excited everyone is for us.

Does anyone have any adoption/story type book recommendations? I know I've read them on other blogs but I haven't had much lucky finding posts I remember.

We're going to see the emom over labor day. Advice? Is this a gift bearing occasion? Anyone? I guess I have the next week to obsess over that.

Our baby is due in now less than 2 months!!

Budget Shortfall

2010-08-07T20:21:00.001-05:00

I'm looking at our adoption line of credit. I see there is 3k left on it. The adoption itself...courts costs, all the legal stuff is going to be $6,600. NICE. I realize that we have a relatively cheap adoption but STILL. Good grief! I'm really starting to get panicky about money. It just seems wrong to put a kid on a credit card...that's probably what will happen though.

As a bonus..he's being born toward the end of the year so we'll get that deduction sooner which is pretty awesome.

I just talked to the emom. She was in a great mood. Telling me how much she loves the apartment. How much she's looking forward to us coming to see her. She wondered if we'd told people. I said, "Yes, our friends and family know that we're probably having a baby in October." She was glad of that and replied (forcefully) "I want y'all to know I'm not backing out of this."...Your words to God's ears my girl!

The kids got home last night. Not much deprogramming has been necessary. Throwing out of shoes and clothing that are beyond filthy, smelly and destroyed...yes. We got hair cuts and school shopped today. Tomorrow, we leave for a week's vacation in AZ. Grand Canyon here we come!

Dang! Now that I'm thinking about it some of you blog buddies of mine are down that way!!

Today is a good day.

I got the cutest, stinking outfit on sale at K.ohls today! It's a plaid button down shirt onesie with corduroy pants!! I'm seriously out of control. I'd post a picture if my cameras weren't already packed.

*******
AAACK!!! I almost posted this on my family blog! I went to put in the labels and thought "these are weird". Preoccupied much?

And it continues

2010-08-05T21:27:00.003-05:00

Shit! I thought the waiting was the rough part. The matching is almost worse. High highs and low lows.

We've got the emom in an apt. We can pay for it until 6 weeks after the birth. We're paying 4 months worth of rent! The utilities are included. We're planning to go and see her over Labor Day weekend. She was in an unsafe situation so we've now paid for a week and a half of hotel until we could get her in the apt. At least I'm getting points. I haven't heard from her in 2 days. The lawyer couldn't get a hold of her either. panic. The laywer texted her. someone texted back saying the emom had left the phone in her car and she'd return it to her after work. I wonder if that's true.

We've found out some stuff about the emom that she didn't intend for us to know. It's stuff that is or will be part of my son's life/past. It will hurt him i'm sure. It's not horrible but it's not ideal by any means either.

AND i have to say i'm really annoyed with people asking me questions about the emom.

"does she have kids?"
"is she educated?"
"why is she giving him up?"
"is she with the father?"
"does she know who the father is?"

It's hard for me. I'm a very open person. But it's none of your effing business.

Being matched is kind of like dating. You really like the person but you don't want to seem to eager. They've said they like you (but do they really mean it?) Should I call? Why haven't they called? If i call will that annoy them and put them off? I wonder if they're ok? and on and on and on. I may need some drug therapy! Today I opted for a bff and margarita therapy!

Stress!

2010-07-29T21:31:00.002-05:00

Today has been awful. Baby momma drama. We're bleeding cash. I'm fielding calls from the mom, the dad (is he really the dad? info is conflicting). Her lawyer, our facilitator....and repeat. At 11 am I was almost hysterical.

At noon I thought this match was kaput.

By 2 we're giving it another chance.

I'm exhausted. Emotionally wrung out.

It's True!

2010-07-22T21:41:00.002-05:00

We ARE in fact, matched! Our facilitator has taken us off the website. Of all things, not seeing our picture up under "Waiting Families" is what has finally made me believe it's true. We ARE going to have a baby! I AM going to be a MOM. I AM going to be a MOM!

Bonus!

2010-07-20T19:40:00.004-05:00

I admit...i can almost admit it to myself....We have a match! (pretty much I think). I'm on the verge of panic attack half the day and most of the night.

Any way...our emom is near enough that we don't have to fly!! YAY!! I'm so very excited about that. I was not at all excited about taking a newborn on a giant germ tube.

Another bonus is that we can finalize before we leave the emom's state. Which leads us to the biggest bonus! We won't have to deal with our dipshit social worker once we get home!! Thank you Jesus. Unfortunately, I will be seeing her next week to update the homestudy. I don't know if I should take the entire day off since there's no way to tell when she might show up (despite making an appointment).

I'm still pretty much in disbelief. We haven't really told anyone IRL. My two best friends know because I was freaking out since Mr H is gone. The girls at work know because we work in an open office and i'm constantly on the phone with our lawyer, the lawyer we hired for her, and the facilitator. It's been crazy. I can only imagine it's going to get crazier. It's really hard for me to enjoy this and allow it to be real....no matter how it turns out.

Out of Body Experience

2010-07-17T20:43:00.002-05:00

Talking to the emom is like having an out of body experience. I hear myself talking to her. I hear her telling me she wants us to parent her baby. I hear her saying she wants to give her child the life she can't and she wants to give me the child that I can't conceive.

I can't believe it's true. I'm excited but I'm cautious. We've told 2 friends. That's mostly because Mr H is in a different hemisphere and I'm in full freak out mode. I can't imagine how he's feeling. Luckily he's exhausted from the time change and I don't think he's dwelling on it like I am. I know he's excited and cautiously optimistic too. He's just not the one that's here..making the calls, getting calls from C etc etc.

I have let myself look at baby stuff online. And I've dug the baby quilt out of the hall and intend to get back to embroidering it.

How did you all handle this phase - if you're fortunate enough to have made it to this phase? When did you know it was official? Was there paper work to sign? Commitments to make legal? I hope we'll know more Monday or Tuesday.

Is this It?

2010-07-15T22:59:00.003-05:00

I think this might be it! We talked to an emom tonight. She's due in October.

"I want you to be my baby's parents. You're the only ones I like. You're the only ones I'm talking to. Do you want to have my baby?"

I think I'm going to be a mom in 3 months!

This feels like this is it.

Note: Mr H is currently on the otherside of the world...for real! It's just me, the dog, and you blog buddies!

Still waiting

2010-06-21T22:08:00.003-05:00

Hello all...anyone still bother to check this blog I never update?

I just got back from a driving trip to CA.

I'm going to be a better blogger :-)

I'm reading all your blogs. I just live by the adage of "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all."

SO the emom that we talked to.....
she called the facilitator right after we talked and said she really liked us...but wanted to talk to another couple. Then she called C late, late that same night asking for a counselor. C found out she was upset that her purse had been stolen, she'd lost her rent money etc etc. C said it sent up huge red flags for her. C suggested she call the police. Said she couldn't really do anything for her. After all at this point she was just an emom calling about the services she wasn't "signed up" or anything.

C hasn't heard from her since.

And THAT would be the latest on our adoption front. I've accepted the fact that if..after our 3 years with C are up (we have 2 left) that we may not have a child. Then I'm done.

Currently, I'm ok with it. I'll be 41 then. Mr H will be pushing 50. We'll just call it another one of those life things that didn't work out like we thought it would.

Maybe I"ll be surprised. We'll see.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Another Phone Call

2010-05-22T08:07:00.003-05:00

We were out celebrating Mr H's birthday last night when I got a call from "Restricted." It was the facilitator. An expectant mom wanted to talk to us. Were we in a place we were could call her? We ditched Mr H's friends and work buddies and ran over to his office to call.

The mom, I'll call her LA, had spoken to a family the previous night but wanted to speak to us too. She'd spoken to them for 1.5 hours. I was oddly calm. It was kind of like an out of body experience. We spoke for 45 min. She has a child already and wants to do right by this one. She's just in place where she is getting her life together and doesn't think it's fair to the baby, her older child or herself to try and raise this one.

The call was great. She asked us if we wanted to be there for the birth. How much openness we wanted. How she'd like to meet before the birth.

I called the facilitator afterward. Told her I'd thought it went well. Gave her a few details. (All left on her voicemail). She called me about a half hour later. Said LA had reported she really liked us but she'd asked to talk to another family. C and LA are supposed to talk again today.

Now I feel like I f'd up the phone call. LA didn't want to talk to Mr H. Maybe I should have insisted. I didn't ask her a lot about herself (C had already told me lots...I didn't want to interrogate her). I didn't tell her how much i really really want a baby ( I didn't want to pressure her).

UGH. I hate popularity contests and this is what I feel like this is.

NOW I know "the right baby will find Me" and "the Lord works in mysterious ways" and all that but DANG! Why does this have to be so hard? Isn't infertility and barrenness enough?

SO my bloggy friends...Please keep us and LA in your prayers and thoughts and anything else you do or believe. I think we all could use it.

Well then

2010-04-30T10:45:00.002-05:00

Nothing seems to be coming of the text baby situation. I got a little excited there for a minute. If nothing else it goaded me into some action and made me realize that despite what I tell myself I really do still want a baby.

So there you have it. Still want a kid. Still don't have one. Perhaps this will cause me to be proactive and make some pass along cards. I should probably look and see when I need to update the homestudy. I know that's coming up shortly. Dealing with our dippy social worker is sure to put me in the loveliest of moods.

The Text!

2010-04-26T17:49:00.002-05:00

I get a text from a friend today saying "If I ever heard about adoption possibilities do you want me to tell you?"

um.........

YES!!

A friend of hers (acquaintance of mine) has a friend who is 4 mo pregnant with her 3 child. She had two little ones already and cannot imagine being able to raise another child. (sounds good so far). She is very serious about adoption and the acquaintance has told her all about us, shown her our FB adoption page etc.

The emom lives on the other side of the state.

Now Mr H has to go to the Philippines for work at least once a year. I've gone with him previously. The acquaintance believes the father is Filipino. (Is that a sign or what?)

I've forwarded our adoption profile to the friend, who has forwarded it to the acquaintance who will forward it to the emom, contacted our facilitator (which gave me no small amount of angst)(who knew is was impossible to edit a pdf that you yourself didn't make?) and left a message for our lawyer friend.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

.....it's not working. I wonder if this could be it?

Home again

2010-04-22T16:12:00.002-05:00

We had a fun filled whirl wind of a weekend in NYC! If I lived there I would totally spend all my money on theater tickets. There were so many shows and so many that I wanted to see!

We went to Mary Poppins (awesome!) and A little Night Music with Catherine Zeta Jones and Angela Lansbury. I was within inches of CZJ when she went in the stagedoor before the play. It was a total accident. She is skinny skinny skinny and gorgeous! We ate lots, walked lots, and slept late. It was a nice break.

City wide garage sales are this weekend. Last year a got a huge load of baby stuff, a changing table and lots more. I don't think I can bear to go this year.

I gave up Facebook for Lent. Now that I'm back I see a lady that runs and adoption support group I'm part of got the call and her son arrived while I was gone. Although I'm happy for her I can't help being jealous and sad for me. Human nature I guess. They had already gone through one disruption a few months back, too. How is it they were matched twice and we haven't even been matched once? ugh. I told the girls at work I was over "the whole adoption thing".

It's not true though.

I can't take it!

2010-04-08T10:32:00.003-05:00

I'm at work. The woman I'm filling in for is in here with her 6 weeks old son COMPLAINING!!

Other girls are talking about who should have one next.

I'm hiding out in my cube.

It's 10:33 I don't know if i'll make it till noon.

Mr H and I are headed to NYC for the weekend. Shall we call it my babymoon?? HA!

Guess what the easter bunny didn't bring me!

2010-04-04T18:41:00.002-05:00

You guessed it! No kid. No chocolate either for that matter.

I haven't blogged much of late. My friend, Rikki says, "If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all." So that's what I've been doing.

I noticed, reading blogs the other day, that several people whom I am friends have recently celebrated their child's first birthdays. I bet their year has gone a lot faster than mine.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm healthy. The teenagers and the husband are healthy. I suppose I could be more proactive. I just put it out of my mind most days. I'll just chalk this whole adoption thing up to another colossal waste of time and money. Not as if I haven't colossally wasted time or money before.

Two of my employees are pregnant. So it's being said, "better not drink the office water or you'll be next!"

They know we're adopting but apparently since i didn't specifically say we're adopting because I am infertile they most just think we're doing it out of the "goodness of our heart".

Arentcha all glad I posted??

***
Thanks for the encouraging/empathetic comments I've received. It really does help!

Just call me bitter betty!

What does that tell you?

2010-03-19T08:39:00.001-05:00

I didn't call for an update last month or this month.

I'm about over this whole adoption journey.

Just keeps getting better

2010-03-09T20:06:00.002-06:00

So the (formerly) pregnant girl i'm w0rking for while she's on maternity leave came in today with her 10 day old baby son.

ugh.

I had started coughing about an hour before so it gave me a great reason to not go anywhere near the little bugger.

I kept looking at him and I just can't imagine myself having one.

I've got mail!

2010-03-06T18:44:00.003-06:00

Mr H and I are members of Postcrossing. It's the coolest thing ever! You sign up and then send a receive postcards from all over the world. Well, I got this little gem today!

But that's not the cool part.........

This is:

I've been feeling down about adoption. How awesome is this to receive in the mailbox? According to her postcrossing profile she looks to be freshman in college. She's laughing and has a great smile!

Just what I needed!

2010-02-24T19:44:00.005-06:00

Danielle of Where I Intended to Be and I are at about the same point in our adoption journey. She gave me this Beautiful Blogger Award which has really served as a pick me up as I sit here childless in the frozen tundra.

SO here are the rules:

1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs.

So Seven Interesting things about me. Hmm. Well, we'll see how interesting these items are!

1) I collect state map postcards. I only need to get Delaware to complete my collection.

2)I was very involved in 4-H as a child and teen. I was a state record book winner (big deal) and went to the National 4-H Congress. I was also one of two youth nation wide who attended a Master Communicator conference.

3) I bought my first home by myself at age 21 and opened my own business.

4)I've driven to west on I-80 to CA 6 times but I've only driven it back east once.

5) I fell in love with France when I was 15 and visited Annecy during high school.

6) I long to move to the country (even though I only live in town of 5,000 people).

7) I apparently make kick ass pumpkin and chocolate pecan pies even though I don't like (and won't taste) either of them.

I'm not sure who to nominate for this award. It looks like it's been making the rounds.

So (I say that a lot) on the adoption front.....

NADA. Just like the previous months. Valentine sex, resulting accidental pregnancies have to be coming to light right? Ground hog day misadventures? ST Patty's is coming up that's got to be good for drunken unprotected sex right?

The pregnant girl (for whom I'm taking over for during maternity leave) last day was today. She's got a scheduled c-section for Friday. I'm not excited to be taking over her work but I am glad not to have her big belly and swollen breasts mocking me on a daily basis.

C'est la vie I guess.

So easily disappointed

2010-02-09T22:37:00.002-06:00

Got a call today. The caller id said "blocked". The ONLY blocked calls we get are from C, our facilitator. Well, it used to be those were the only blocked calls we got. It was the plumber :-(

Oh well. I'm feeling better. Mr H and I celebrated our wedding anniversary over the weekend with a lovely room in a historic hotel. We ate ourselves silly and spent did some relaxing in the deep and spacious jetted tub. He planned it all :-)

As he says "I am a lucky (wo)man!"

A Year Later

2010-02-05T08:33:00.002-06:00

So it's a year since we decided to adopt. What has happened during that time? We've spent a lot of money, filled out a lot of paperwork and that's about it.

I sort of feel like our time is coming but mostly I don't. I used to be excited about it but now I'm must blah. I honestly don't think about it that much at all. I CAN'T! I hate being vulnerable. I hate not being in control. I hate not having a plan.

There's a family reunion in CA in June. We're going. Well, now I'm going maybe. Mr H doesn't want to take the vacation time because we'll need that paid time when the baby comes. "WHAT baby" was my reaction. He's an optimist. I'm a pessimist.

We're old(er). Maybe we never should have done this. We should just be saving and looking forward to retirement and not be selfish and want something we (I) can't have.

I wish the damn sun would shine!

Haiti

2010-01-15T22:32:00.002-06:00

My heart is breaking. I'm watching CNN and they're interviewing a couple watching footage of their in limbo adopted son. It's so very sad.

We sent money to the Red Cross today. Approx 92 cents of every dollar is used directly for relief.

I wish I could do more. I find myself glued to the footage like I was during Katrina.

Update Time

2010-01-13T22:34:00.003-06:00

We've been shown 17 times since we went active in August. I see another family has gone missing from the website so now it's at 18. C said Dec was quiet but January has been very active thus far. Dec had 2 births and there's been one this month. She also said there are 2 matches working for January and she's hoping to have several more.

So that sounds pretty good.

I just read The Thirteen Tale and loved it! My bookclub was tonight and we discussed The Rope Walk. It was a slow book to get started but then I found it to be sweet and very descriptively written.

Have you all been reading anything good? There's not much fun to do here with all this snow and ice and cold.

Nineteen

2010-01-05T22:20:00.002-06:00

Now there are 19 waiting families with our facilitator. I've been keeping track. The two latest families include professional musicians and rocket scientists. F**k me. I think i might be starting to get crabby.

Not to mention my little job is going to turn into a full time job (blech) when i take over for the PREGNANT chick when she goes on maternity leave. Plus I think I heard another chick in the office is pregnant.

Our update is on the tenth. I can pretty much tell you what it's going to say.

I'm REALLY tired of this cold cold arctic weather. We're under yet another winter storm warning. 5 -8" of snow, near white out conditions, -20 to -30 degree + wind chill. Yippee! At least I don't have to worry about taking a baby out in that kind of weather right?

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T20:19:00.003-06:00

I'm still amongst the living. I'm still childless. I'm still ok :-)

We've been staying in. It's freakin' cold. We went to It's Complicated today. We really enjoyed it.

Has anyone seen Precious? I can't do it. I also can't watch the MTV adoption show though I caught a little of it the other night. I very quickly changed the channel.

We went to SD to my in-laws over Christmas. I'm working on embroidering a baby blanket. My MIL asked "who's that for". Nice. It wasn't malicious. It just isn't part of their consciousness. Overall we had a lovely visit. My almost 8 year old nephew is hilarious, loud and adorable. We were betting on UNO and bingo. He went "all in".

I hope you all had decent holidays. I've decided I will just be like that river in Egypt. Denile Denile Denile works for me!!

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!?!?!?

2009-12-11T15:44:00.005-06:00

I have a bloggy friend (non adoption/IVF or the ilk) whose husband is deployed to the Middle East. He's 3/4 of the way done and was home for two weeks before Thankgiving. They have 2 kids under the age of 3.

She's pregnant.

In TWO weeks she managed to get knocked up!!!

TWO WEEKS!!

!!!!!

Good Choice!

2009-12-07T17:11:00.002-06:00

I am VERY happy with our facilitator, C. She called today because she knows the holidays can be tough. She wanted to wish us a happy holidays, find out if we had any travel plans that might affect being able to contact us (ha!), and give us a mini update. We went active Aug 9th. We've been shown 14 times. Four of those were new emoms. Only one of them has made a match with anyone. I guess I d0n't need to call her for an update this month!

My birthday party was lovely :-) I spent yesterday in a bed. We had a heck of a good time packed into 4.5 hours! Now we're currently waiting to see if we're getting this blizzard that is predicted. It's to start after midinght tonight. 100% of snow for Tuesday with 6 - 13" of snow by Wednesday night with 40 mph winds. I better check our grocery supply!

A New Day

2009-12-04T08:50:00.003-06:00

Things are looking up. There's a light skiff of fresh, pure white snow covering the dead grass. Christmas lights are twinkling and I'm inhaling homemade chex mix and advent calendar chocolates! I'm also listening to Vanessa Williams' Christmas album Star Bright which has to be one of my all time favorites.

Mr H is throwing me a birthday party tomorrow night where wine and appetizers will be flowing.

Distract distract distract. That's the key around here ladies!

It's official!

2009-11-23T09:09:00.003-06:00

I've become one of those blogs i hate. The ones who never update. ugh (btw I totally understand not updating).

I just don't have anything to say. We're just waiting, waiting, waiting. I try not to think about it too much.

I moved the bassinet from the left side of the living room to the right side to make room for the Christmas tree once we put it up. I noticed it's getting very dusty and I'll need to wash everything in it. Maybe I should just strip it and have Mr H haul it to the basement til it's needed. The travel system is in the hall of shame (a dead end hall by our stairs which is a catch all for everything) taking up space. It is collapsible so maybe we should just collapse it and store it in the upstairs closet in the office. But really those are the only two reminders I have that we're going to have a child. Well, I mean other than the permanent ache.

Update #2

2009-11-10T17:33:00.003-06:00

Nothing new to report. We've had two letters go out so far this month. Of the 11 to 13 moms we've already been profiled to she said none of them have made a choice for or against anyone.

C also said a bunch of new adds are dropping this month. She said October was kind of slow but it looks like November is going to be booming judging from the activity she's already had in the first 10 days.

A day last week was really strange to me. I think it was wed or thursday. Baby Mac finally arrived, a friend with PCOS was unable to conceive and whose medical condition was so bad IVF couldn't even be attempted (who has 2 adopted kids) gave birth to her biological child, and an internet friend had a match fail. All in the same day! Adoption and infertility is a strange, strange world.

Reminder

2009-11-02T12:16:00.002-06:00

According to my trusty little ticker it's 9 months and 1 day ago that we decided to adopt. We all know what that means. Yet, here I sit with empty arms.

I'm actually doing ok with it. I try not to think about it (which is lots easier when I don't know we're being profiled).

I passed my huge test btw! As soon as it arrives in the mail I will be a licensed nursing home administrator! However, today, I'm a woman at home with a cold.

I finally mentioned a baby name that Mr H didn't turn his nose up at. It's a boy name. Obviously, I'll take whatever baby is ours but I have secret hopes for a girl!

How do all of you make the baby name decision? Since Mr H has already had 4 tries at it I'm pretty much naming this one as long as he doesn't absolutely hate it.

So Here We Are

2009-10-27T22:01:00.002-05:00

Waiting. I don't know what happens next. I guess we call her on the 10ths of the months and ask if we've had any action in the past month. I see there's another waiting family on the website. That makes 16 of us. Well, maybe it's still at 15 if our non-birth mom picked someone from our facilitator.

I have my licensing exam again tomorrow. I'm getting the ick. H1N1 is rampant in these parts. The locale big box is sold out of thermometers, ibuprofen and ancetmenophon (which i know I can't spell).

Lots of babies about to be born. Let's home some more are getting conceived. Drunken Halloween parties might help right?

Back in the pool

2009-10-22T20:14:00.001-05:00

She didn't pick us. She went with a family that has 1 adopted child at home. I didn't expect to get picked but I'll still let down.

Actually, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm pretty sure I won't sleep all that well tonight though.

AND........

2009-10-22T12:20:00.001-05:00

still waiting!

U G H ! ! !

Still Waiting

2009-10-21T10:02:00.002-05:00

No decision yet from the emom. C said "I should know something tomorrow (which is today now). I will let you know as soon as I hear something."

I have a dentist appt at 1130. I'm taking my phone! Plus I will be the crazy person telling them "if I get a call i'm answering it! I might get a baby today!" So there!

A Call ~

2009-10-17T11:30:00.002-05:00

No, not THE CALL but a call. C called yesterday to see if we wanted to be profiled to a mom that is a little bit outside the criterion we set. Mr H and I talked about it and we do. We should know something Monday. It's a boy due in January. It was all I could think about last night and the first thing I thought about when I woke up. Thus, I have made a conclusion.

I don't want to know when we are being profiled unless we've been picked. Too much for my obsessive self to handle.

The mom has many siblings. Maybe that will be good for us. Who knows. I just want it to be Tuesday already!

Update #1

2009-10-14T12:35:00.000-05:00

I got a call back today while I was in the shower. She left a message. The answering machine causes my dog to HOWL something awful. I thought he'd fallen off the bed or something so I leapt out of the shower all dripping and shampoo-y. Anyway, C left a message. Our letter has had lots of activity. It's gone out to 10 potential birthmom's in 2 months! She didn't have any feedback for us though. I don't know if I should be excited or be sad/neurotic!

Two Months

2009-10-13T21:00:00.002-05:00

It's been two months since we went active. The facilitator said we should check with her after 2 months (and really not before then) to see what feedback there was on our profile. So I have emailed her.

I haven't heard anything.

Surprised?

Me either.

Patience is a virtue - Patience is a virtue - Patience is a virtue - Patience is a virtue

Nothing to see here

2009-10-04T20:01:00.001-05:00

move along!

Insomnia

2009-09-30T09:16:00.002-05:00

I was awake most of last night. I would almost be asleep and then I would think of something about the adoption and then it would be over. The main thing that kept me awake is that I don't have any clue about baby names. I had a couple I liked but I couldn't think of them last night (at 2 am). So then I kind of freaked out. A sampling:

"how can I possibly be a good mom if I can't remember what I wanted to name the baby?"

"why does it even matter it's not like we're ever going to get a baby anyway"

"hold up dipshit! The power of positive thinking, remember?"

"You're going to get a baby and you're going to pass the test"

"Why dn't you quit pissing and moaning! You haven't been waiting very long! Have some compassion for your friends!"

....and on and on and on. Then once I DID get to sleep I had another crazy dream! For weeks now I've been having very vivid crazy ass dreams! Last night I was Bridget - from the original Girls.Next.Door. Hef wanted me to give him one last "hummer" before I moved out. He was all naked and sitting at my desk - that's right we weren't even living in the mansion we were living here! I begged off saying I'd just put a peppermint in my mouth. Luckily - and this is hard to say as an insomniac - I woke up right then!

I gotta figure out what I ate before I went to bed and not do it again!

BF Termination notice

2009-09-17T20:30:00.002-05:00

I saw one in the paper last night. My mom said they're in there a lot (which i think is weird in a town of 6,000). I never read those legals things so I hadn't noticed. I was very happy to see it because I didn't really understand what it entailed...and now I do!

One down

2009-09-15T22:00:00.001-05:00

So it's one month (and 5 days but who's counting) since our profile went active. I wonder how active it really is? We're not supposed to check with her until month 2. I've been trying not to think about it. I've joined a yahoo group of women that are involved in another project I'm involved with. They spend a lot of time talking about their children (mostly little ones) and I'm feeling left out. I haven't really felt like that before. Two of them have newborns. One struggles with infertility. One is a know it all. One's husband it getting a vasectomy and another is getting her tubes tied. I would never do either of the last two. (I realize I couldn't get a vasectomy lol). I tried to make the point that you never ever know what is going to happen in life and that fertility is fragile. One said "well we're just going to have him freeze sperm". Like it was a simple solution. I again tried to make the point of frozen sperm = IUI or IVF which does NOT always = baby. Talking to brick walls! I have a couple of friends that always ask how the adoption is going. That makes me happy that they ask.

Honest Scrap Award

2009-09-02T09:10:00.004-05:00

RB at Baby Mac.... where are you....recently (well not so recently lol) honored me with the Honest Scrap Award. I'm just not getting around to following up with it.

Here's how it works:

There are three rules for this award:

First, link back to the person who gave you the award (see above)
Second, give the award to 10 other bloggers.

Third, list 10 honest things about yourself.

Yikes!

I'm going to struggle with the blog awards since I read the same blogs as most everyone else!

1. Evergreen - I've been inspired by her story. It's taught me to be realistic but not bitter.

2. Allie - they're going the private adoption route....something I was too lazy or too much of a wienie to do.

3. BP - a new (to me) blog I'm reading. They're on the adoption journey, too.

Ok onto Honesty (gulp).

1. I'm worried about managing the dog, teenagers, and the baby and Mr. H being gone on business.

2. Feet freak me out. Don't touch 'em, don't talk about 'em and for goodness sake don't post pictures of them!

3. I hate blogs that have music.

4. I'm terrified to retake my certification exam

5. I've sent secrets to PostSecret

6. Bon Jovi is my favorite band EVER

7. I'm worried that our birthparents will regret making an adoption plan or feel that they were coerced

8. I could live on mashed potatoes and gravy

9. I'm bad at waiting

10. I'm a planner. The unknown of adopting is uber difficult for me.

Advertising

2009-09-02T08:58:00.002-05:00

I got an email from C today with a spreadsheet showing the # of ads she has dropping in yellow pages each month. In the next year she'll have 1700+ yellow page ads! I think that's good news! We're also finally posted to her website.

I also saw in my hometown newspaper an ad for a couple looking to adopt. So good luck Steve and Jenny. This paper is in a town of 700 people though I don't know what their circulation is. My friend, Katy, works for the paper. Maybe I'll call and see if she has any "scoop" on the ad.

Not much is happening here. The kids are home. It's the second week of school. Mr. H is away on business but is supposed to get home tonight. The four of us are going to Chicago to the Harry Potter movie exhibit at the museum of science and industry this weekend. I've got free hotel room nights (on of the few perks of Mr. H having to travel). We'll probably also hit the Lincoln Park Zoo and the new Nature museum (both free).

I've been having baby dreams which is weird for me. I usually don't. Mr H seems to hate every name I like. I guess I've been pushing the adoption to the back of my mind. Seems easier than dreaming. speculating, and planning.

One Lovely Blog

2009-08-26T08:52:00.004-05:00

Karen at Cliobaby was nice enough to give me this award! Too cool :-) I've sat on it for a week or more though without following up. I'm supposed to link to 15 other blogs I read. I think for the most part I read the same blogs everyone else does.....Karen has been a huge help in our adoption journey. From reading her story to helping us compose (and edit and edit and edit) our birthmother letter she's really made this process much easier.

I find myself checking in daily with the following ladies....especially now that many of them are mommies or are matched:

There's Charlie's mamma, Melba.

And Janna with little babies just 5 months apart!

Then there's Bri and her adorable sweetie girl, R.

This next woman makes me laugh. I think we're lots a like! I'd love to sit on Charlotte's mom's porch and have a visit. Of course Erica and her unfolding story with their birthmom is the latest blog to have me on pins and needles! Also, Debra keeps me in stitches as she is TTC.

There's a just a few of the ladies I think of as friends. I got another award recently, too. As soon as I figure out who did it I'll post some more links :-)

our Profile is Active

2009-08-11T13:53:00.003-05:00

Forty bound copies are in the hands of C and about to be sent out! We'll be on the web in a few more days. It seems like it's been so long already but many assure me we are moving at lightning speed. It seems like EVERYONE is getting matched these days! I hope we're next! I'll see if I can figure out how to upload our letter/profile. If you really want to see it I can email you the pdf (if you give me your email :-)

So Darn Close

2009-08-05T12:04:00.002-05:00

We are so darn close to ready to be presented. The letter is on its way to the printer. I think it's also getting formatted for being online.

Mr H gets home from a 2 week business trip today.

OH and I got my period spontantously yesterday for the first time in YEARS. I was so sick of taking pills that I went off my bc when we got back from our first vacation. It seems pointless to pay all that money to prevent me...the PCOS queen....from getting pregnant. Actually that's not why I'm on them but i was just tired of it. Ugh. Here very shortly I'll be restarting meds and reevaluationg my lifestyle...but just not yet. Just getting my period is upsetting. It's pointless! It's like it's laughing at me saying "i'm going to cause you pain, ickiness and discomfort just because I can! ha!"

Nothing Happening Here

2009-07-25T22:34:00.002-05:00

That's right. NADA. C will be back in the office in Monday so I'll touch base with her since I haven't heard from the graphic artist with our completed letter.

Mr H is in the Philippines for two weeks so it's just dog and me hanging out here. I've been staying busy and depending on my friends to help keep me occupied.

When I first started reading adoption blogs I thought it was CRAZY when I found out about breast feeding an adopted child. It just seemed nuts! But now I find myself thinking I want to do it. I've added researching (and emailing some of you) onto my to do list for this next week.

More people are getting matched! My favorites list of people still waiting is getting smaller and smaller!

Finally

2009-07-15T21:29:00.003-05:00

Looks like we may have finally made a good choice. I've been in daily voice and email contact with our facilitator...C..(from here on out). I think we've finally gotten enough pictures to her that are action packed and loving enough! I still have this sinus crap lingering so I'm having her turn it over to her graphic artist. Saving myself a headache sounds like a great plan!

I'm getting excited about adoption again rather than crying about the hoops and frustrations. I need to have a talk with my mom about adoption. She caused me to cry when we were in Europe. She just doesn't get it. My dad...lol...got a new camera and is taking crazy amount of pictures with it...he happened to catch a picture of Mr H comforting me as I was crying. Lovely. There'sa vacation memory i'd like as an 8 x 10 ...NOT!

Babies and calls seem to be happening all over! let's hope it rubs off on the rest of us!

Coming outta the Fog

2009-07-09T20:47:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling better. Mr H stepped up and did the edits to our letter. I think it's officially done now and we've moved on to the picture portion to go with it. That's gonna stink.

Also Evergreen became a mommy today. That helped alot, too!

Apathy

2009-07-07T08:08:00.002-05:00

i feel nothing but apathy toward this adoption process at this point. I hope it's just because I'm sick and exhausted.

I emailed our corrected draft of our letter to the facilitator on june 16th. Yesterday I emailed her to let her know we were home and to find out what's next. She said she was waiting to receive our letter. UGH.

I re-emailed it (to the same address). She's reviewed it, made notes, and will call me today. woo hoo. not.

tell me this is just a phase.

Back again

2009-07-05T17:48:00.001-05:00

We're back from our trip. It was great. I have sinus infection. I'm exhausted. I don't feel like I can face the rest of this adoption bs. Maybe after some meds and some naps. Ugh.

Final Draft

2009-06-18T15:05:00.002-05:00

The final draft is at the facilitator. She has to approve it then we need to add images (some of which still need to be taken) and make 50 copies.

We leave on another trip Saturday morning. I don't mean to sound blase about it. I'm very fortunate and lucky to be getting to go so many places and see so many things. I just really wanted all this crap taken care of before we left. (Patience is NOT my best known trait - neither is being positive). Oh well.

Babies are being born all over the place. That's good right? It's just not our baby. Maybe ours is being conceived now....drunken, hot summer nights and all :-)

We're back in time for the 4th. Good thoughts for all of you out there in blogland!

We're back

2009-06-11T20:54:00.003-05:00

We are back from our family vacation to Yellowstone and Glacier. It was a heckuva drive and a great trip. I was really worried about that much non-stop family time but it worked out ok. The kids go to their mother tomorrow night until the middle of August.

On the adoption front: I got a corrected notarized copy of the homestudy today.

I/we HAVE to get out birthmother letter/profile done this week. We leave on another trip next Saturday and I want to be active before we leave.

Against my better judgement I already wrote a birthmother letter before I had specific criteria. I'm very happy with the letter and very grateful to Karen for all her insight. Thank you!!!! However, it's not what the facilitator wants to it's practically back to the beginning.

Looks like lots has been happening while we were gone...I'm trying to get caught up with all you! I missed you and thought about you lots!

Home Study - Practically compete!

2009-05-27T12:16:00.003-05:00

We got the draft of our homestudy today. She is recommending us to adopt! Judging from the report we're pretty great people lol!

I'm glad it came before we leave on vacation on Saturday. At least this won't be another hold up! We just need to make a few factual corrections/additions and point out grammatical errors and we are on our way. FINALLY something goes right!

We have decided to get a different lawyer....whew!

The facilitator called last night to let us know she got our paperwork (and check). She would be reviewing the draft of our letter after she got off the phone. She also said she would call tonight to let us know feedback as well as what our next steps are. Are you kidding me? Did I finally pick someone competent? proactive? professional? I about fell over!

Thank goodness for you guys!

2009-05-25T19:21:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all the great comments after my lawyer rant. I don't know why I'm such a wuss when it comes to this stuff. Maybe it's the vulnerability aspect. I'm not like this in any other part of my life.

I've put Mr H in charge of finding our next professional. Hopefully, this one will be actually BE professional.

Why does it have to be so hard?

2009-05-22T21:23:00.003-05:00

Today has been the worst day yet. I realize there will be worse days but right now right here this is the one that sucks.

We drove 75 miles to meet face to face with our lawyer today. I wasn't sure what the meeting was about. My husband took the day off from work. We get there. They don't have an appointment for us. IN FACT the lawyer is out of the office. IN FACT she is out of the state! Until the 2nd week in June!

I was beyond pissed off. I still am. No one in the office seems to know why we would be coming in. My husband keeps talking to them. I'm thinking I'm not paying $200+/hr for this crap! I want to get out of there. They give us a booklet (which could have been mailed to us with the application!). We leave and I lose it.

We're talking sobbing to hysteria. Mascara running down my face. WHY do I do such a horrible job picking out the "professionals" that are supposed to help us? How is a lawyer that can't even write our appointment in the BOOK going to navigate the ins and outs of the law so my non-existent, mythical baby doesn't get taken away from me??

She come very highly recommended. Remember two months ago in our first dealing with her/her office when our scheduled phone conference wasn't? Then it was another month before we could get another phone conference with her? And it's now been another month since then?

Isn't the homestudy and the lawyer supposed to be the cut and dried easy part of adoption??

Why can't I trust my instincts? I KNEW we should have called this morning to confirm our appointment.

I think I might throw up

2009-05-19T08:38:00.001-05:00

I just sealed an application/contract and a HUGE check in a envelope to mail to a facilitator.

We're really doing this!

Are you kidding me??

2009-05-18T17:58:00.002-05:00

I just saw a story on the evening news about a HORSE that got pregnant with twins via surrogate IVF!! Are you kidding me?? For some reason that really sets me off!

in other news - i sent my fingerprints off again today. So now we wait. I need to send the contract, our photograph and a HUGE check to the facilitator, too. I keep delaying that for some reason as well.

Mr. H's birthday is tomorrow. He'll celebrate it by going to Tucson on business for 3 days. Ugh!

Annoyed II

2009-05-15T14:16:00.002-05:00

I just got my fingerprints redone. After my 3rd trip to the Sheriff's office today. I got home. I'm filling out the card. I realize I FORGOT TO HAVE THE DEPUTY SIGN THE FING THING!! I can't believe it (actually I can). He's done for the day. I'll have to go back next week. It's a smalltown he should remember that he did it. Otherwise I'll probably have to do it AGAIN which means I'll have to get another set of cards from the SW which will mean another delay! UGH!!

ANNOYED!!

2009-05-13T10:37:00.002-05:00

Just got an email from our SW. Apparently, I need to redo my fingerprints. Never mind that we were told over 2 months ago that all four of us cleared the DCI and sex offender registries and everything was off to the FBI.

Her email is very unclear (imagine that). Either 1) the FBI lost them or 2) DCI lost them or 3) the prints were bad.

Well if they were bad why did I clear the DCI? Mr. H suggested perhaps they got smudged. That seems highly unlikely to me since they were computer generated and completely dry instantly!

She's going to drop off more print cards to Mr. H. Who probably won't get them because 1) he's in high level meetings all day 2) she's never on time 3) the person who acts as secretary/office manager/whatever is very uncooperative on the best of days.

How much of this do I 1) have to repay 2) redo 3) reauthorize?

Can you tell that I am 1) pissed off 2) irate 3) bitterly disappointed at the delay this is going to cause?

We've Decided (I think)

2009-05-12T09:10:00.002-05:00

We're going with a facilitator. We just don't want to handle the screening/find ourselves. Of course, that means we now have more paperwork to fill out.

We are done with our SW except for waiting for the written report. We have verbal approval from her at this point. It doesn't appear that she used any references other than the ones we gave her. We had another almost 2.5 hour meeting with her last Friday to go over the TWO questions she forgot to ask us. We are not obligated to use her for post placement :-)

I went berserk at garage sales again last week. I got 5 or 6 outfits, what to expect the first year, and two huge baby gates - one of which has never been out of the box - all for under $10! My sister has the same baby gate and says one of them was $100!

The Letter

2009-05-06T08:17:00.003-05:00

We working diligently on our Birthmother/Special People letter. UGH!! Karen (Evie's mom) is a huge help. She's an English teacher at heart. BTW Bristol Palin in on the news and annoying the snot out of me. Anyway.....

we're working on our letter. We have a shortened version and the long wanders into profile version. I'm at loose ends somewhat because we still haven't made a decision about private/agency/facilitator/skywriting as our method. I'd guess that most of these entities have guidelines to follow. I really don't want to start on my profile book until I know which of those directions we're going. I still can't decide between digital or handmade. As I may have mentioned I did such a horrific job picking our SW that now I'm scared to make any other decisions! We have to meet with her again on Friday. She forgot to go over some stuff with us. I wonder if that's going to cost us another $100.

There's a crib on sale at Targucci this week that I like. It converts to a toddler bed then to a full size headboard. I'm torn about that, too. If we get it we should put it together. But if it takes us two years get a baby the crib could easily get recalled between now and then. UGH!! Do you think I could think of anything else I could worry about? I'm such a dork sometimes. Keep in mind, too, that the more I blog the more I prolong working on our letter :-)

Holy Smokes!

2009-05-03T17:38:00.003-05:00

It's been 3 months since we decided to adopt! I don't know if we are ahead of or behind where we should be! Yikes! One of our refence letters has been returned. Our friends - who are late for EVERYTHING - were the first to turn theirs in. I'm shocked and surprised. They must realize how very important this is to us. Except for a very few close friends I'm sure our decision to adopt has come as a surprise. Heck, it came as a surprise to us!

I've been a total slug all day. I hope I'm in a better frame of mind tomorrow.

Getting Back in the Game

2009-05-01T07:40:00.003-05:00

Ok, I admit it. I've slacked off in the adoption pursuit process. I was really working hard on the birthmother letter and even getting started on the profile book. It was seeming kind of "cart before the horse" ish because we don't know if we're going with an agency, a facilitator, or just doing it independently. But all these paths require a letter and a profile. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of failing, of not writing a true enough good enough letter.

Anyway, I'm going to get back in the game.

Talked to a Birthmom!

2009-04-28T20:28:00.003-05:00

Omgosh! I just talked to a birthmom on IM! It was surreal. What do you say? what do you ask? We chatted a little bit. She asked if we were with an agency or what. I explained to her what a homestudy is all about. Then she goes, "I'm going to be honest. The reason I chose adoption over termination is financial."

I replied, "Well, I'm new at this but I know our state only allows certain expenses to be paid".

She replies, "Ok, well I gotta get going."

And she was gone!

I don't feel bad about it. I'm actually excited because it means the things I've done to get us "out there" are working! I mean who know if this chick is actually pregnant or anything else but it give me hope!

Now, onto my interview. It was fine. Actually it was a waste of my time. Almost three hours of it. We have to meet with her once more. She has some things she needs to discuss with both of us. Plus she wondered why I hadn't given her the kids' medical statements. Um, maybe because you never asked for them? So now we have to get that done, too.

The next step is the reference letters. She's going to send them to some of the people we suggested but she likes to find people on her own, too. She wouldn't tell me what questions she was asking in the letter. I inquired what if they don't get returned. Will she let me know so I can remind them? Nope. Not telling me who she sends them to.

We should be done with all this stuff by the end of may. yay!

My Interview - I

2009-04-28T09:07:00.002-05:00

My interview is today at 2. I'm going to her so at least I know I will be on time. I asked Mr H if I should be nervous. He said no I should be careful and patient.

"Careful?" I asked.

"Yes" he replied, "you know she's going to ask some crazy stuff and irritate you and you're going to need to remain calm". LOL. Does he know me or what?

I will be so glad when this is over and we can move onto the next thing.

Garage Sale Haul

2009-04-28T08:59:00.003-05:00

We went a little crazy at the town wide garage sales on Saturday. We got all this plus a changing table for under $40! I ended up throwing the barn out because it was in crappy condition. I was just in some sort of buying frenzy when I picked it up!

The haul includes:

2 baby hats
10 sleepers
5 footed sleepers
2 sleep sacks

10 onesies (long and short sleeved)
5 bibs
a pair of cookie monster overalls
a hard book, a quilted book (I can't believe someone sold it), a sack of baby spoons, a baby quilt for me to cross stitch, plus a formal dress for C for her spring concert, a clock, a phone, an awesome pair of binoculars (a steal at $5), and a jar of strawberry jelly!

I LOVE garage sales!!

And it happens again....but never to me...or the people I know

2009-04-25T18:40:00.003-05:00

SO....When I was talking to my sister yesterday she said "everyone around me is pregnant". I replied, "Oh really? Who?" She names two or three ladies and then says, "and there's one more but I can't say anything for a week." Well, it turns out it's this friend of hers who I know. She has terrible PCOS. They did all sorts of procedures on her so they could do IVF but the damage/disease was so much that the doctors wouldn't even attempt an egg retrieval.

They adopted two boys through foster care. The boys are half brothers. The youngest one is three. I think the older one is seven.

She hasn't been feeling well. Finally went to the doctor. He says "when did you last use birth control?" She replies, "1999." yup! spontaneously pregnant. I should be happy for her but I can't say that I am.

Kids' Interviews III

2009-04-25T06:29:00.003-05:00

SO I emailed the SW to see if I needed to send her a check. She said I could just payer her for all of them ($100 each btw) when I do mine on Tuesday. I'm going to her for mine so at least I know what time I'll be there!

She did say in the email that the kids "were nice young people". That gives me much hope as this portion of the homestudy is what I was most freaked out about. I will need to pray for patience and the holding of my tongue on Tuesday because I KNOW she's going to say some crazy stuff that is going to set me off. Speaking of which.....

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????

First, I went to a conference yesterday for Continuing education hours I need for a certification. Well it was only 6 hours of CEU's and I need 10. I've emailed and attempted to call a variety of people to confirm this information. When I get there (after a 2.5 hour drive for a conference that starts at 7:45 a.m.) I find that unless I am working in the field as the director - not as an assistant - I don't need the CEU's. I also find out that since I took the initial certifying class I wouldn't EVER need to take it again even if I don't maintain the CEU's yearly. I was mad mad mad! Why couldn't anyone give me this answer ahead of time?

Second, there was a woman in my certifying class that none of us could stand. She passed me on the interstate. I thought "oh crap". I get to the conference. I set my things down (there are about 125 ppl attending this thing - lots of places to sit), I run to the restroom. When I come back guess who is seated 2 spots over from me? Yup, HER! (disclaimer - this doesn't really fall under the what's wrong with people label)(but it was still annoying!)

Third, as the conference begins the woman in front of me and one spot over is giving herself a manicure. We're talking clipping, filing, and painting!

Fourth, the woman in front of me starts brushing out her hair in close proximity to my water glass! Throughout the day she continues to mess with it. Fluffing it, flipping it, and trying to get it to stay in her barrette! Repulsive!

Fifth, the 4 women behind me were in a continuous yapfest! Shut up! I can't hear the speaker! I tell the guy next to me "I feel like I'm schizophrenic!"

The day ended well though. It was a gorgeous 85 degrees out. My sister and 3 year old nephew drove to meet me after the meeting. We went and played in the park. Then we went for a ride in my "great big truck" and got ice cream. My nephew was disappointed that we couldn't "peal out" in town like we did at grandpa and grandma's farm last time he was home.

I'm sooooo ready to be a mom!

Kids' Interviews II - OMGOSH~

2009-04-22T15:54:00.003-05:00

I cannot believe it! The SW just up and left when she was done talking to C. I had taken N to soccer practice. I was gone 15 min. I yelled hello when I got back . I put stuff on the dining room table (they were in the Living room). I THREW the dog toy into the living room. The dog chased after it.

20 min later I hear the front door shut. I thought, hmm maybe she and C went outside so C could show her something. About 5 min later I think it's awfully quiet. I go and check. C's shoes are here. The SW's car is gone. She just left. I didn't pay her. We didn't reconfirm my appt for next week. I go talk to C. They didn't think I was here so she left.

I cannot believe it!

Kids' interviews I

2009-04-22T13:39:00.002-05:00

So this time the SW shows up at 1:10 proclaiming, "At least I'm not early this time! I'm soooo sorry for being late". Um yeah. The appointment is at 1:30. The kids aren't home from school yet.

I'm thinking we're going to have the homestudy reviewed by someone to make sure it actually covers what it is supposed to and our future child isn't taken away because she's a dingbat.

Mr H's interview

2009-04-21T16:44:00.003-05:00

Mr H had his interview today. Mine is next week. Our SW continues to be a crazy. Evidently she has an endless supply of cleft-palated, club footed rape produced babies. UGH!! I may be wrong but isn't the reason we can check our preferences of what we want and don't want is because they are OUR PREFERENCES?? Does she think we are taking or making these decisions lightly?

His interview took almost 2.5 hours. He said it was tedious and grueling. Evidently she offhandedly mentioned that our FBI checks came back clear. I'd think something like that would warrant an email.

She interviews the kids here tomorrow. I'm having issues with the teens again and am scared to death they are going to sink this ship before it even sails.