5 months old

March 1, 2010

Dear Heath~

You are 5 months old today (well, yesterday – but there was no February 29th this year so it's today). You continue to delight and amaze us!

You're sleeping through the night almost constantly. We give you a bottle around 5 or 6 pm and put you in your jammies (most of which you are quickly outgrowing!). Between 7 or 8 pm you fall asleep for the night.We usually don't have to get up with you until 430 or 5 in the morning! The pack and play is still in our bedroom so you're very easy to get to!

The exersaucer is your favorite piece of equipment. You can pull the things to make noise and music. You love to lurch back and forth in it while throwing your hands up in the air, squealing and smiling. Today, I thought you were going to flip it you had it rocking so much! You've just started to laugh occasionally. It's the best sound in the world and squeezes my heart!

You HATE to miss anything. You're constantly looking around, craning your neck and twisting your body to follow the puppy, papa, me or Nicky. When it's time to go to sleep you fuss and cry while rubbing your eyes and kicking your feet. It goes on and on and the POOF! All the sudden it stops and you are conked out. Pulling your blanket, lovey, or bib up over your face and eyes is a favorite thing to do. If we dare to pull them down or move then away from your face or mouth you wake up and glare at us! It makes us laugh everytime.

We've tried giving you cereal for a month now. Horrified is the best way to describe. I managed to capture your expression on film. It's priceless! Although, you love to eat, cereal is not cutting it. Sometimes with your bottle you're eating 8oz of formula. You've just started pushing the bottle away if you're not interested or jamming it back in your mouth if you want more.

I've been calling you “rootie toot toot” because of how gassy and stinky you are! Sometimes the puppy will even leave the room – and he LOVES stinky stuff!

We finally got your social security card in the mail. The next step is to go and get your passport. You and I went to the photographer here in town to get your passport pictures taken. The photographer said they were the cutest baby passport pictures he'd ever taken in 25 years!

Your birthmom loves you and misses you. She called the other night to make sure you were o.k. (you were). She said to give you “lots of loves”.

We need to measure and weigh you again. It seems like you are much bigger (and longer) all of the sudden.

Heath, you are such a delight. We love you to pieces! We can't believe you've been ours for 5 months already!

Love,

Mama and Papa

Reflections

As I held Heath today feeding him I was overwhelmed with waves of love. Love for the sweet little, slobbery round headed fellow clutching the front of my shirt and my pinky who was making contented sighs as he gulped down his bottle.. For his birthmom MC who I think about daily and follow on FB. She has so many good things going in her life right now. I'm very happy for her yet sad that she's missing out on all the smiles and coos, and slobbery gummy laughs of our son.

Soon he will be 4 months old. The Dr said then we can start him on cereal with his formula. I can't imagine. He's growing up so very very fast. I love this smiley happy stage of his life. I've learned though that leaning him in for a kiss can quickly get my covered in spit up and other stinky goo.

Adoption is such a weird and wonderful thing. I'm so glad we have him. I know how much I love him. I can't imagine him not being here and being a part of our lives. I can't imagine how MC and C must feel with him gone.

His birth certificate came. We are listed as his parents. It's his original birth certificate. I'd expected that we'd get an original with their names and then have to get an amended one. Apparently, that's not how it works in their state.

Getting a SS # so far has been a nightmare. Part of it is because the adoption is already finalized. Now I have to get copies of his medical records to prove he's alive. Having him
with me doesn't count. Nor does his birth certificate count as an id. The SS guy asked what I had as an id for him. Hello!! He's 15 weeks old. It's not like he's driving. I'm going to try it again on his four month dr appointment. Looks like I'll be taking the day off.

I'm in Love!

With my sweet little son :-)



Everything (well, most everything) is fantastic! Baby H...sleeps, eats, and poops...all in a very calm manner. He is so very mellow!



The un-fantastic part is that on Friday we got a call from the lawyer. Her husband was being rushed to the ER with chest pain so she wouldn't be able to get our affidavits filed and get our court date. We completely understand but it would be nice to know when court will be and when we get to go home!



So back to the birth story.



Baby H came shooting out of there like I mentioned. In fact, MC had just gotten her epidural which is why Mr H and the birthfather were out of the room. The staff didn't even have time to get the bed converted. She gave birth in the bed! There was blood and goosh everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, everywhere!



The doc grabbed Baby H got him in the warmer, started the APGAR (he got a 9) and prints. I cut the cut cord. It was so frantic in there. I wasn't sure what they were asking me! It was a ceremonial cutting to be sure (since we were on the other side of the room for MC) but I did it! It was like cutting through rubber tubing.



The old lady I'd gotten in the scuffle with had left with the bassinet so no one knew what to do with the baby. Dr anaesthesiologist got frustrated finally. He said "we aren't supposed to do this", wrapped him in a blanket, scooped him up and sprinted out into and down the hall across the birthing center to Mr H and my room.



We got in there and the lovely blonde nurse started further assessments on him. She was great. She started trying to scrub the gunk off him. She was scrubbing the hell out of him! No need to worry about hurting the baby apparently! He did great on all his assessments and got another 9.



Mr H was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders. We just watched in amazement and wonder. Then we noticed Baby H's chest was heaving a little and he seemed to be gasping. She called for some other nurses. She said he was having a little trouble that she just wanted to get checked. It never amounted to anything and he was fine in a bit. It's just that it took our assessments a while longer than usual.

Since then

It's been a week since we met the birthparents. It's been a relatively calm week. One text for money - all of which was reasonable and expected. She REALLY does not like our lawyer. So she is preferring to go through me. Anything to keep her calm and happy.

Her FB statuses (stati?) have been more and more upbeat as the weeks go by. That gladdens my heart (my cynical, fearful, excited heart).

She had some tests two weeks ago. They never got back to her with the results. I wonder how much of that is because she's a Medi.caid patient? There are two hospitals where she's giving birth. She's now being seen at the "better" one. I had to laugh though because the hospital overlooks a cemetery. If that's not incentive to get well and go home I don't know what would be! Anyway, they called her in yesterday because they'd forgotten to run one test. She's now officially in her 9th month. She was measuring small but the dr said at this point that can change from big to small daily. She's scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday. She says the doctor said "if you make it that long" GULP! Mr H and I have some serious shit getting to get done this weekend!!

The Calm

Things are calm currently. No calls from the lawyer. No calls from the emom. No news is good news it appears. Although she does have the flu. Apparently, Medicaid only pays for 3 prescriptions a month so we helped with some meds for her. A few days letter and it appears she's feeling better.

I got a exer.saucer from my sister's neighbor for $15 and a couple of outfits. We had a coupon for Babies.r.us plus hit a buy one get one sale and got some bottles. We are also the "proud" owners of two packs of diapers, some wipes and a few other things. The crib is arriving this week. We got a crib mattress Friday night. I feel confident in saying if he arrived tomorrow we'd be prepared (except emotionally of course :-).

I'm really enjoying getting people's congratulations and how excited everyone is for us.

Does anyone have any adoption/story type book recommendations? I know I've read them on other blogs but I haven't had much lucky finding posts I remember.

We're going to see the emom over labor day. Advice? Is this a gift bearing occasion? Anyone? I guess I have the next week to obsess over that.

Our baby is due in now less than 2 months!!

Budget Shortfall

I'm looking at our adoption line of credit. I see there is 3k left on it. The adoption itself...courts costs, all the legal stuff is going to be $6,600. NICE. I realize that we have a relatively cheap adoption but STILL. Good grief! I'm really starting to get panicky about money. It just seems wrong to put a kid on a credit card...that's probably what will happen though.

As a bonus..he's being born toward the end of the year so we'll get that deduction sooner which is pretty awesome.

I just talked to the emom. She was in a great mood. Telling me how much she loves the apartment. How much she's looking forward to us coming to see her. She wondered if we'd told people. I said, "Yes, our friends and family know that we're probably having a baby in October." She was glad of that and replied (forcefully) "I want y'all to know I'm not backing out of this."...Your words to God's ears my girl!

The kids got home last night. Not much deprogramming has been necessary. Throwing out of shoes and clothing that are beyond filthy, smelly and destroyed...yes. We got hair cuts and school shopped today. Tomorrow, we leave for a week's vacation in AZ. Grand Canyon here we come!

Dang! Now that I'm thinking about it some of you blog buddies of mine are down that way!!

Today is a good day.

I got the cutest, stinking outfit on sale at K.ohls today! It's a plaid button down shirt onesie with corduroy pants!! I'm seriously out of control. I'd post a picture if my cameras weren't already packed.

*******
AAACK!!! I almost posted this on my family blog! I went to put in the labels and thought "these are weird". Preoccupied much?

And it continues

Shit! I thought the waiting was the rough part. The matching is almost worse. High highs and low lows.

We've got the emom in an apt. We can pay for it until 6 weeks after the birth. We're paying 4 months worth of rent! The utilities are included. We're planning to go and see her over Labor Day weekend. She was in an unsafe situation so we've now paid for a week and a half of hotel until we could get her in the apt. At least I'm getting points. I haven't heard from her in 2 days. The lawyer couldn't get a hold of her either. panic. The laywer texted her. someone texted back saying the emom had left the phone in her car and she'd return it to her after work. I wonder if that's true.

We've found out some stuff about the emom that she didn't intend for us to know. It's stuff that is or will be part of my son's life/past. It will hurt him i'm sure. It's not horrible but it's not ideal by any means either.

AND i have to say i'm really annoyed with people asking me questions about the emom.

"does she have kids?"
"is she educated?"
"why is she giving him up?"
"is she with the father?"
"does she know who the father is?"

It's hard for me. I'm a very open person. But it's none of your effing business.

Being matched is kind of like dating. You really like the person but you don't want to seem to eager. They've said they like you (but do they really mean it?) Should I call? Why haven't they called? If i call will that annoy them and put them off? I wonder if they're ok? and on and on and on. I may need some drug therapy! Today I opted for a bff and margarita therapy!

Bonus!

I admit...i can almost admit it to myself....We have a match! (pretty much I think). I'm on the verge of panic attack half the day and most of the night.

Any way...our emom is near enough that we don't have to fly!! YAY!! I'm so very excited about that. I was not at all excited about taking a newborn on a giant germ tube.

Another bonus is that we can finalize before we leave the emom's state. Which leads us to the biggest bonus! We won't have to deal with our dipshit social worker once we get home!! Thank you Jesus. Unfortunately, I will be seeing her next week to update the homestudy. I don't know if I should take the entire day off since there's no way to tell when she might show up (despite making an appointment).

I'm still pretty much in disbelief. We haven't really told anyone IRL. My two best friends know because I was freaking out since Mr H is gone. The girls at work know because we work in an open office and i'm constantly on the phone with our lawyer, the lawyer we hired for her, and the facilitator. It's been crazy. I can only imagine it's going to get crazier. It's really hard for me to enjoy this and allow it to be real....no matter how it turns out.

Out of Body Experience

Talking to the emom is like having an out of body experience. I hear myself talking to her. I hear her telling me she wants us to parent her baby. I hear her saying she wants to give her child the life she can't and she wants to give me the child that I can't conceive.

I can't believe it's true. I'm excited but I'm cautious. We've told 2 friends. That's mostly because Mr H is in a different hemisphere and I'm in full freak out mode. I can't imagine how he's feeling. Luckily he's exhausted from the time change and I don't think he's dwelling on it like I am. I know he's excited and cautiously optimistic too. He's just not the one that's here..making the calls, getting calls from C etc etc.

I have let myself look at baby stuff online. And I've dug the baby quilt out of the hall and intend to get back to embroidering it.

How did you all handle this phase - if you're fortunate enough to have made it to this phase? When did you know it was official? Was there paper work to sign? Commitments to make legal? I hope we'll know more Monday or Tuesday.

Is this It?

I think this might be it! We talked to an emom tonight. She's due in October.

"I want you to be my baby's parents. You're the only ones I like. You're the only ones I'm talking to. Do you want to have my baby?"

I think I'm going to be a mom in 3 months!

This feels like this is it.

Note: Mr H is currently on the otherside of the world...for real! It's just me, the dog, and you blog buddies!

Another Phone Call

We were out celebrating Mr H's birthday last night when I got a call from "Restricted." It was the facilitator. An expectant mom wanted to talk to us. Were we in a place we were could call her? We ditched Mr H's friends and work buddies and ran over to his office to call.

The mom, I'll call her LA, had spoken to a family the previous night but wanted to speak to us too. She'd spoken to them for 1.5 hours. I was oddly calm. It was kind of like an out of body experience. We spoke for 45 min. She has a child already and wants to do right by this one. She's just in place where she is getting her life together and doesn't think it's fair to the baby, her older child or herself to try and raise this one.

The call was great. She asked us if we wanted to be there for the birth. How much openness we wanted. How she'd like to meet before the birth.

I called the facilitator afterward. Told her I'd thought it went well. Gave her a few details. (All left on her voicemail). She called me about a half hour later. Said LA had reported she really liked us but she'd asked to talk to another family. C and LA are supposed to talk again today.

Now I feel like I f'd up the phone call. LA didn't want to talk to Mr H. Maybe I should have insisted. I didn't ask her a lot about herself (C had already told me lots...I didn't want to interrogate her). I didn't tell her how much i really really want a baby ( I didn't want to pressure her).

UGH. I hate popularity contests and this is what I feel like this is.

NOW I know "the right baby will find Me" and "the Lord works in mysterious ways" and all that but DANG! Why does this have to be so hard? Isn't infertility and barrenness enough?

SO my bloggy friends...Please keep us and LA in your prayers and thoughts and anything else you do or believe. I think we all could use it.

Good Choice!

I am VERY happy with our facilitator, C. She called today because she knows the holidays can be tough. She wanted to wish us a happy holidays, find out if we had any travel plans that might affect being able to contact us (ha!), and give us a mini update. We went active Aug 9th. We've been shown 14 times. Four of those were new emoms. Only one of them has made a match with anyone. I guess I d0n't need to call her for an update this month!

My birthday party was lovely :-) I spent yesterday in a bed. We had a heck of a good time packed into 4.5 hours! Now we're currently waiting to see if we're getting this blizzard that is predicted. It's to start after midinght tonight. 100% of snow for Tuesday with 6 - 13" of snow by Wednesday night with 40 mph winds. I better check our grocery supply!

Still Waiting

No decision yet from the emom. C said "I should know something tomorrow (which is today now). I will let you know as soon as I hear something."

I have a dentist appt at 1130. I'm taking my phone! Plus I will be the crazy person telling them "if I get a call i'm answering it! I might get a baby today!" So there!

Update #1

I got a call back today while I was in the shower. She left a message. The answering machine causes my dog to HOWL something awful. I thought he'd fallen off the bed or something so I leapt out of the shower all dripping and shampoo-y. Anyway, C left a message. Our letter has had lots of activity. It's gone out to 10 potential birthmom's in 2 months! She didn't have any feedback for us though. I don't know if I should be excited or be sad/neurotic!

Talked to a Birthmom!

Omgosh! I just talked to a birthmom on IM! It was surreal. What do you say? what do you ask? We chatted a little bit. She asked if we were with an agency or what. I explained to her what a homestudy is all about. Then she goes, "I'm going to be honest. The reason I chose adoption over termination is financial."

I replied, "Well, I'm new at this but I know our state only allows certain expenses to be paid".

She replies, "Ok, well I gotta get going."

And she was gone!

I don't feel bad about it. I'm actually excited because it means the things I've done to get us "out there" are working! I mean who know if this chick is actually pregnant or anything else but it give me hope!

Now, onto my interview. It was fine. Actually it was a waste of my time. Almost three hours of it. We have to meet with her once more. She has some things she needs to discuss with both of us. Plus she wondered why I hadn't given her the kids' medical statements. Um, maybe because you never asked for them? So now we have to get that done, too.

The next step is the reference letters. She's going to send them to some of the people we suggested but she likes to find people on her own, too. She wouldn't tell me what questions she was asking in the letter. I inquired what if they don't get returned. Will she let me know so I can remind them? Nope. Not telling me who she sends them to.

We should be done with all this stuff by the end of may. yay!