Another Phone Call

We were out celebrating Mr H's birthday last night when I got a call from "Restricted." It was the facilitator. An expectant mom wanted to talk to us. Were we in a place we were could call her? We ditched Mr H's friends and work buddies and ran over to his office to call.

The mom, I'll call her LA, had spoken to a family the previous night but wanted to speak to us too. She'd spoken to them for 1.5 hours. I was oddly calm. It was kind of like an out of body experience. We spoke for 45 min. She has a child already and wants to do right by this one. She's just in place where she is getting her life together and doesn't think it's fair to the baby, her older child or herself to try and raise this one.

The call was great. She asked us if we wanted to be there for the birth. How much openness we wanted. How she'd like to meet before the birth.

I called the facilitator afterward. Told her I'd thought it went well. Gave her a few details. (All left on her voicemail). She called me about a half hour later. Said LA had reported she really liked us but she'd asked to talk to another family. C and LA are supposed to talk again today.

Now I feel like I f'd up the phone call. LA didn't want to talk to Mr H. Maybe I should have insisted. I didn't ask her a lot about herself (C had already told me lots...I didn't want to interrogate her). I didn't tell her how much i really really want a baby ( I didn't want to pressure her).

UGH. I hate popularity contests and this is what I feel like this is.

NOW I know "the right baby will find Me" and "the Lord works in mysterious ways" and all that but DANG! Why does this have to be so hard? Isn't infertility and barrenness enough?

SO my bloggy friends...Please keep us and LA in your prayers and thoughts and anything else you do or believe. I think we all could use it.

Insomnia

I was awake most of last night. I would almost be asleep and then I would think of something about the adoption and then it would be over. The main thing that kept me awake is that I don't have any clue about baby names. I had a couple I liked but I couldn't think of them last night (at 2 am). So then I kind of freaked out. A sampling:

"how can I possibly be a good mom if I can't remember what I wanted to name the baby?"

"why does it even matter it's not like we're ever going to get a baby anyway"

"hold up dipshit! The power of positive thinking, remember?"

"You're going to get a baby and you're going to pass the test"

"Why dn't you quit pissing and moaning! You haven't been waiting very long! Have some compassion for your friends!"

....and on and on and on. Then once I DID get to sleep I had another crazy dream! For weeks now I've been having very vivid crazy ass dreams! Last night I was Bridget - from the original Girls.Next.Door. Hef wanted me to give him one last "hummer" before I moved out. He was all naked and sitting at my desk - that's right we weren't even living in the mansion we were living here! I begged off saying I'd just put a peppermint in my mouth. Luckily - and this is hard to say as an insomniac - I woke up right then!

I gotta figure out what I ate before I went to bed and not do it again!

Honest Scrap Award

RB at Baby Mac.... where are you....recently (well not so recently lol) honored me with the Honest Scrap Award. I'm just not getting around to following up with it.

Here's how it works:

There are three rules for this award:

First, link back to the person who gave you the award (see above)
Second, give the award to 10 other bloggers.

Third, list 10 honest things about yourself.

Yikes!

I'm going to struggle with the blog awards since I read the same blogs as most everyone else!

1. Evergreen - I've been inspired by her story. It's taught me to be realistic but not bitter.

2. Allie - they're going the private adoption route....something I was too lazy or too much of a wienie to do.

3. BP - a new (to me) blog I'm reading. They're on the adoption journey, too.

Ok onto Honesty (gulp).

1. I'm worried about managing the dog, teenagers, and the baby and Mr. H being gone on business.

2. Feet freak me out. Don't touch 'em, don't talk about 'em and for goodness sake don't post pictures of them!

3. I hate blogs that have music.

4. I'm terrified to retake my certification exam

5. I've sent secrets to PostSecret

6. Bon Jovi is my favorite band EVER

7. I'm worried that our birthparents will regret making an adoption plan or feel that they were coerced

8. I could live on mashed potatoes and gravy

9. I'm bad at waiting

10. I'm a planner. The unknown of adopting is uber difficult for me.

The Letter

We working diligently on our Birthmother/Special People letter. UGH!! Karen (Evie's mom) is a huge help. She's an English teacher at heart. BTW Bristol Palin in on the news and annoying the snot out of me. Anyway.....

we're working on our letter. We have a shortened version and the long wanders into profile version. I'm at loose ends somewhat because we still haven't made a decision about private/agency/facilitator/skywriting as our method. I'd guess that most of these entities have guidelines to follow. I really don't want to start on my profile book until I know which of those directions we're going. I still can't decide between digital or handmade. As I may have mentioned I did such a horrific job picking our SW that now I'm scared to make any other decisions! We have to meet with her again on Friday. She forgot to go over some stuff with us. I wonder if that's going to cost us another $100.

There's a crib on sale at Targucci this week that I like. It converts to a toddler bed then to a full size headboard. I'm torn about that, too. If we get it we should put it together. But if it takes us two years get a baby the crib could easily get recalled between now and then. UGH!! Do you think I could think of anything else I could worry about? I'm such a dork sometimes. Keep in mind, too, that the more I blog the more I prolong working on our letter :-)

Mr H's interview

Mr H had his interview today. Mine is next week. Our SW continues to be a crazy. Evidently she has an endless supply of cleft-palated, club footed rape produced babies. UGH!! I may be wrong but isn't the reason we can check our preferences of what we want and don't want is because they are OUR PREFERENCES?? Does she think we are taking or making these decisions lightly?

His interview took almost 2.5 hours. He said it was tedious and grueling. Evidently she offhandedly mentioned that our FBI checks came back clear. I'd think something like that would warrant an email.

She interviews the kids here tomorrow. I'm having issues with the teens again and am scared to death they are going to sink this ship before it even sails.

Searching, Searching

Mr H is down in the basement going through our myriad of Rubbermaids looking for our 2007 tax return for our home study. I'm waiting for my mom to email me with the year I started school (I'm not sure) and math isn't my strong point so counting backwards isn't the best bet. I also need her to tell me her and dad's degrees and dates. It seems like some of this stuff is beyond goofy for the need to know. I'm sure it will get worse!

Mr H talked to his parents (as he does every Sunday) and his dad made what I would assume is our first negative comment. They were talking about the progress we're making on the adoption and where the babies come from and his dad says something to the effect of "to each his own". Lovely.

Thanks to everyone that's come over to say hello. Knowing others are out there going through the same things really helps. None of my friends can relate.

I haven't revealed many of our personal details yet. I'm not sure why that is. I have another blog where I blog about all our regular day stuff. I haven't given friends and family this address yet. I think it's because I'm scared we won't pass the home study and I don't want everyone I know knowing that I'm a failure as a mother before I even get a baby. Ridiculous I know!