Reflections

As I held Heath today feeding him I was overwhelmed with waves of love. Love for the sweet little, slobbery round headed fellow clutching the front of my shirt and my pinky who was making contented sighs as he gulped down his bottle.. For his birthmom MC who I think about daily and follow on FB. She has so many good things going in her life right now. I'm very happy for her yet sad that she's missing out on all the smiles and coos, and slobbery gummy laughs of our son.

Soon he will be 4 months old. The Dr said then we can start him on cereal with his formula. I can't imagine. He's growing up so very very fast. I love this smiley happy stage of his life. I've learned though that leaning him in for a kiss can quickly get my covered in spit up and other stinky goo.

Adoption is such a weird and wonderful thing. I'm so glad we have him. I know how much I love him. I can't imagine him not being here and being a part of our lives. I can't imagine how MC and C must feel with him gone.

His birth certificate came. We are listed as his parents. It's his original birth certificate. I'd expected that we'd get an original with their names and then have to get an amended one. Apparently, that's not how it works in their state.

Getting a SS # so far has been a nightmare. Part of it is because the adoption is already finalized. Now I have to get copies of his medical records to prove he's alive. Having him
with me doesn't count. Nor does his birth certificate count as an id. The SS guy asked what I had as an id for him. Hello!! He's 15 weeks old. It's not like he's driving. I'm going to try it again on his four month dr appointment. Looks like I'll be taking the day off.

And it continues

Shit! I thought the waiting was the rough part. The matching is almost worse. High highs and low lows.

We've got the emom in an apt. We can pay for it until 6 weeks after the birth. We're paying 4 months worth of rent! The utilities are included. We're planning to go and see her over Labor Day weekend. She was in an unsafe situation so we've now paid for a week and a half of hotel until we could get her in the apt. At least I'm getting points. I haven't heard from her in 2 days. The lawyer couldn't get a hold of her either. panic. The laywer texted her. someone texted back saying the emom had left the phone in her car and she'd return it to her after work. I wonder if that's true.

We've found out some stuff about the emom that she didn't intend for us to know. It's stuff that is or will be part of my son's life/past. It will hurt him i'm sure. It's not horrible but it's not ideal by any means either.

AND i have to say i'm really annoyed with people asking me questions about the emom.

"does she have kids?"
"is she educated?"
"why is she giving him up?"
"is she with the father?"
"does she know who the father is?"

It's hard for me. I'm a very open person. But it's none of your effing business.

Being matched is kind of like dating. You really like the person but you don't want to seem to eager. They've said they like you (but do they really mean it?) Should I call? Why haven't they called? If i call will that annoy them and put them off? I wonder if they're ok? and on and on and on. I may need some drug therapy! Today I opted for a bff and margarita therapy!

Just what I needed!

Danielle of Where I Intended to Be and I are at about the same point in our adoption journey. She gave me this Beautiful Blogger Award which has really served as a pick me up as I sit here childless in the frozen tundra.

SO here are the rules:

1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs.

So Seven Interesting things about me. Hmm. Well, we'll see how interesting these items are!

1) I collect state map postcards. I only need to get Delaware to complete my collection.

2)I was very involved in 4-H as a child and teen. I was a state record book winner (big deal) and went to the National 4-H Congress. I was also one of two youth nation wide who attended a Master Communicator conference.

3) I bought my first home by myself at age 21 and opened my own business.

4)I've driven to west on I-80 to CA 6 times but I've only driven it back east once.

5) I fell in love with France when I was 15 and visited Annecy during high school.

6) I long to move to the country (even though I only live in town of 5,000 people).

7) I apparently make kick ass pumpkin and chocolate pecan pies even though I don't like (and won't taste) either of them.

I'm not sure who to nominate for this award. It looks like it's been making the rounds.

So (I say that a lot) on the adoption front.....


NADA. Just like the previous months. Valentine sex, resulting accidental pregnancies have to be coming to light right? Ground hog day misadventures? ST Patty's is coming up that's got to be good for drunken unprotected sex right?

The pregnant girl (for whom I'm taking over for during maternity leave) last day was today. She's got a scheduled c-section for Friday. I'm not excited to be taking over her work but I am glad not to have her big belly and swollen breasts mocking me on a daily basis.

C'est la vie I guess.

A Year Later

So it's a year since we decided to adopt. What has happened during that time? We've spent a lot of money, filled out a lot of paperwork and that's about it.

I sort of feel like our time is coming but mostly I don't. I used to be excited about it but now I'm must blah. I honestly don't think about it that much at all. I CAN'T! I hate being vulnerable. I hate not being in control. I hate not having a plan.

There's a family reunion in CA in June. We're going. Well, now I'm going maybe. Mr H doesn't want to take the vacation time because we'll need that paid time when the baby comes. "WHAT baby" was my reaction. He's an optimist. I'm a pessimist.

We're old(er). Maybe we never should have done this. We should just be saving and looking forward to retirement and not be selfish and want something we (I) can't have.

I wish the damn sun would shine!

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!?!?!?

I have a bloggy friend (non adoption/IVF or the ilk) whose husband is deployed to the Middle East. He's 3/4 of the way done and was home for two weeks before Thankgiving. They have 2 kids under the age of 3.

She's pregnant.

In TWO weeks she managed to get knocked up!!!

TWO WEEKS!!

!!!!!

Thank goodness for you guys!

Thanks for all the great comments after my lawyer rant. I don't know why I'm such a wuss when it comes to this stuff. Maybe it's the vulnerability aspect. I'm not like this in any other part of my life.

I've put Mr H in charge of finding our next professional. Hopefully, this one will be actually BE professional.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Today has been the worst day yet. I realize there will be worse days but right now right here this is the one that sucks.

We drove 75 miles to meet face to face with our lawyer today. I wasn't sure what the meeting was about. My husband took the day off from work. We get there. They don't have an appointment for us. IN FACT the lawyer is out of the office. IN FACT she is out of the state! Until the 2nd week in June!

I was beyond pissed off. I still am. No one in the office seems to know why we would be coming in. My husband keeps talking to them. I'm thinking I'm not paying $200+/hr for this crap! I want to get out of there. They give us a booklet (which could have been mailed to us with the application!). We leave and I lose it.

We're talking sobbing to hysteria. Mascara running down my face. WHY do I do such a horrible job picking out the "professionals" that are supposed to help us? How is a lawyer that can't even write our appointment in the BOOK going to navigate the ins and outs of the law so my non-existent, mythical baby doesn't get taken away from me??

She come very highly recommended. Remember two months ago in our first dealing with her/her office when our scheduled phone conference wasn't? Then it was another month before we could get another phone conference with her? And it's now been another month since then?

Isn't the homestudy and the lawyer supposed to be the cut and dried easy part of adoption??

Why can't I trust my instincts? I KNEW we should have called this morning to confirm our appointment.

Are you kidding me??

I just saw a story on the evening news about a HORSE that got pregnant with twins via surrogate IVF!! Are you kidding me?? For some reason that really sets me off!

in other news - i sent my fingerprints off again today. So now we wait. I need to send the contract, our photograph and a HUGE check to the facilitator, too. I keep delaying that for some reason as well.

Mr. H's birthday is tomorrow. He'll celebrate it by going to Tucson on business for 3 days. Ugh!

Annoyed II

I just got my fingerprints redone. After my 3rd trip to the Sheriff's office today. I got home. I'm filling out the card. I realize I FORGOT TO HAVE THE DEPUTY SIGN THE FING THING!! I can't believe it (actually I can). He's done for the day. I'll have to go back next week. It's a smalltown he should remember that he did it. Otherwise I'll probably have to do it AGAIN which means I'll have to get another set of cards from the SW which will mean another delay! UGH!!

ANNOYED!!

Just got an email from our SW. Apparently, I need to redo my fingerprints. Never mind that we were told over 2 months ago that all four of us cleared the DCI and sex offender registries and everything was off to the FBI.

Her email is very unclear (imagine that). Either 1) the FBI lost them or 2) DCI lost them or 3) the prints were bad.

Well if they were bad why did I clear the DCI? Mr. H suggested perhaps they got smudged. That seems highly unlikely to me since they were computer generated and completely dry instantly!

She's going to drop off more print cards to Mr. H. Who probably won't get them because 1) he's in high level meetings all day 2) she's never on time 3) the person who acts as secretary/office manager/whatever is very uncooperative on the best of days.

How much of this do I 1) have to repay 2) redo 3) reauthorize?

Can you tell that I am 1) pissed off 2) irate 3) bitterly disappointed at the delay this is going to cause?

Kids' Interviews III

SO I emailed the SW to see if I needed to send her a check. She said I could just payer her for all of them ($100 each btw) when I do mine on Tuesday. I'm going to her for mine so at least I know what time I'll be there!

She did say in the email that the kids "were nice young people". That gives me much hope as this portion of the homestudy is what I was most freaked out about. I will need to pray for patience and the holding of my tongue on Tuesday because I KNOW she's going to say some crazy stuff that is going to set me off. Speaking of which.....

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????

First, I went to a conference yesterday for Continuing education hours I need for a certification. Well it was only 6 hours of CEU's and I need 10. I've emailed and attempted to call a variety of people to confirm this information. When I get there (after a 2.5 hour drive for a conference that starts at 7:45 a.m.) I find that unless I am working in the field as the director - not as an assistant - I don't need the CEU's. I also find out that since I took the initial certifying class I wouldn't EVER need to take it again even if I don't maintain the CEU's yearly. I was mad mad mad! Why couldn't anyone give me this answer ahead of time?

Second, there was a woman in my certifying class that none of us could stand. She passed me on the interstate. I thought "oh crap". I get to the conference. I set my things down (there are about 125 ppl attending this thing - lots of places to sit), I run to the restroom. When I come back guess who is seated 2 spots over from me? Yup, HER! (disclaimer - this doesn't really fall under the what's wrong with people label)(but it was still annoying!)

Third, as the conference begins the woman in front of me and one spot over is giving herself a manicure. We're talking clipping, filing, and painting!

Fourth, the woman in front of me starts brushing out her hair in close proximity to my water glass! Throughout the day she continues to mess with it. Fluffing it, flipping it, and trying to get it to stay in her barrette! Repulsive!

Fifth, the 4 women behind me were in a continuous yapfest! Shut up! I can't hear the speaker! I tell the guy next to me "I feel like I'm schizophrenic!"

The day ended well though. It was a gorgeous 85 degrees out. My sister and 3 year old nephew drove to meet me after the meeting. We went and played in the park. Then we went for a ride in my "great big truck" and got ice cream. My nephew was disappointed that we couldn't "peal out" in town like we did at grandpa and grandma's farm last time he was home.

I'm sooooo ready to be a mom!