Heart Sick

I knew it was going to happen at some point. I just knew.

Over the weekend I got a FB from MC asking for money. They "have no one else to turn to". They wanted to borrow $100 until they get their tax refund.

Mr H was gone. I decided to ignore it. I was (and still am) nauseous about it.

Thank God our adoption is final. I can't imagine the panic I would be feeling if it weren't.

Hours later I got a text from the birthfather asking if I got the FB message.

It's almost a week later. I haven't heard anything else from them.

They entrusted me with their child for life. How can I say no? But how could I possibly say yes?

Have any of you been in this situation? What would you do? How would you react?

Reflections

As I held Heath today feeding him I was overwhelmed with waves of love. Love for the sweet little, slobbery round headed fellow clutching the front of my shirt and my pinky who was making contented sighs as he gulped down his bottle.. For his birthmom MC who I think about daily and follow on FB. She has so many good things going in her life right now. I'm very happy for her yet sad that she's missing out on all the smiles and coos, and slobbery gummy laughs of our son.

Soon he will be 4 months old. The Dr said then we can start him on cereal with his formula. I can't imagine. He's growing up so very very fast. I love this smiley happy stage of his life. I've learned though that leaning him in for a kiss can quickly get my covered in spit up and other stinky goo.

Adoption is such a weird and wonderful thing. I'm so glad we have him. I know how much I love him. I can't imagine him not being here and being a part of our lives. I can't imagine how MC and C must feel with him gone.

His birth certificate came. We are listed as his parents. It's his original birth certificate. I'd expected that we'd get an original with their names and then have to get an amended one. Apparently, that's not how it works in their state.

Getting a SS # so far has been a nightmare. Part of it is because the adoption is already finalized. Now I have to get copies of his medical records to prove he's alive. Having him
with me doesn't count. Nor does his birth certificate count as an id. The SS guy asked what I had as an id for him. Hello!! He's 15 weeks old. It's not like he's driving. I'm going to try it again on his four month dr appointment. Looks like I'll be taking the day off.

The storm

It's awful. the calls. the texts. the demands for money. the rudeness to the lawyer and the complete sweet as can be to me. Is she hormonal? Is she a con? What do we do?

it's awful. it's making me sick. But we only have a month or so to go. what do we do? it's awful. we're scheduled to meet her this weekend. I'm currently avoiding my phone. we're checking scam boards. we're considering a PI. Then the next day a complete turn around. it's awful.

Still waiting

Hello all...anyone still bother to check this blog I never update?

I just got back from a driving trip to CA.

I'm going to be a better blogger :-)

I'm reading all your blogs. I just live by the adage of "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all."

SO the emom that we talked to.....
she called the facilitator right after we talked and said she really liked us...but wanted to talk to another couple. Then she called C late, late that same night asking for a counselor. C found out she was upset that her purse had been stolen, she'd lost her rent money etc etc. C said it sent up huge red flags for her. C suggested she call the police. Said she couldn't really do anything for her. After all at this point she was just an emom calling about the services she wasn't "signed up" or anything.

C hasn't heard from her since.

And THAT would be the latest on our adoption front. I've accepted the fact that if..after our 3 years with C are up (we have 2 left) that we may not have a child. Then I'm done.

Currently, I'm ok with it. I'll be 41 then. Mr H will be pushing 50. We'll just call it another one of those life things that didn't work out like we thought it would.

Maybe I"ll be surprised. We'll see.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Another Phone Call

We were out celebrating Mr H's birthday last night when I got a call from "Restricted." It was the facilitator. An expectant mom wanted to talk to us. Were we in a place we were could call her? We ditched Mr H's friends and work buddies and ran over to his office to call.

The mom, I'll call her LA, had spoken to a family the previous night but wanted to speak to us too. She'd spoken to them for 1.5 hours. I was oddly calm. It was kind of like an out of body experience. We spoke for 45 min. She has a child already and wants to do right by this one. She's just in place where she is getting her life together and doesn't think it's fair to the baby, her older child or herself to try and raise this one.

The call was great. She asked us if we wanted to be there for the birth. How much openness we wanted. How she'd like to meet before the birth.

I called the facilitator afterward. Told her I'd thought it went well. Gave her a few details. (All left on her voicemail). She called me about a half hour later. Said LA had reported she really liked us but she'd asked to talk to another family. C and LA are supposed to talk again today.

Now I feel like I f'd up the phone call. LA didn't want to talk to Mr H. Maybe I should have insisted. I didn't ask her a lot about herself (C had already told me lots...I didn't want to interrogate her). I didn't tell her how much i really really want a baby ( I didn't want to pressure her).

UGH. I hate popularity contests and this is what I feel like this is.

NOW I know "the right baby will find Me" and "the Lord works in mysterious ways" and all that but DANG! Why does this have to be so hard? Isn't infertility and barrenness enough?

SO my bloggy friends...Please keep us and LA in your prayers and thoughts and anything else you do or believe. I think we all could use it.

Well then

Nothing seems to be coming of the text baby situation. I got a little excited there for a minute. If nothing else it goaded me into some action and made me realize that despite what I tell myself I really do still want a baby.

So there you have it. Still want a kid. Still don't have one. Perhaps this will cause me to be proactive and make some pass along cards. I should probably look and see when I need to update the homestudy. I know that's coming up shortly. Dealing with our dippy social worker is sure to put me in the loveliest of moods.

Home again

We had a fun filled whirl wind of a weekend in NYC! If I lived there I would totally spend all my money on theater tickets. There were so many shows and so many that I wanted to see!

We went to Mary Poppins (awesome!) and A little Night Music with Catherine Zeta Jones and Angela Lansbury. I was within inches of CZJ when she went in the stagedoor before the play. It was a total accident. She is skinny skinny skinny and gorgeous! We ate lots, walked lots, and slept late. It was a nice break.

City wide garage sales are this weekend. Last year a got a huge load of baby stuff, a changing table and lots more. I don't think I can bear to go this year.

I gave up Facebook for Lent. Now that I'm back I see a lady that runs and adoption support group I'm part of got the call and her son arrived while I was gone. Although I'm happy for her I can't help being jealous and sad for me. Human nature I guess. They had already gone through one disruption a few months back, too. How is it they were matched twice and we haven't even been matched once? ugh. I told the girls at work I was over "the whole adoption thing".

It's not true though.

I can't take it!

I'm at work. The woman I'm filling in for is in here with her 6 weeks old son COMPLAINING!!

Other girls are talking about who should have one next.

I'm hiding out in my cube.

It's 10:33 I don't know if i'll make it till noon.

Mr H and I are headed to NYC for the weekend. Shall we call it my babymoon?? HA!

Guess what the easter bunny didn't bring me!

You guessed it! No kid. No chocolate either for that matter.

I haven't blogged much of late. My friend, Rikki says, "If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all." So that's what I've been doing.

I noticed, reading blogs the other day, that several people whom I am friends have recently celebrated their child's first birthdays. I bet their year has gone a lot faster than mine.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm healthy. The teenagers and the husband are healthy. I suppose I could be more proactive. I just put it out of my mind most days. I'll just chalk this whole adoption thing up to another colossal waste of time and money. Not as if I haven't colossally wasted time or money before.

Two of my employees are pregnant. So it's being said, "better not drink the office water or you'll be next!"

They know we're adopting but apparently since i didn't specifically say we're adopting because I am infertile they most just think we're doing it out of the "goodness of our heart".

Arentcha all glad I posted??

***
Thanks for the encouraging/empathetic comments I've received. It really does help!

Just call me bitter betty!

What does that tell you?

I didn't call for an update last month or this month.

I'm about over this whole adoption journey.

Just keeps getting better

So the (formerly) pregnant girl i'm w0rking for while she's on maternity leave came in today with her 10 day old baby son.

ugh.

I had started coughing about an hour before so it gave me a great reason to not go anywhere near the little bugger.

I kept looking at him and I just can't imagine myself having one.

Just what I needed!

Danielle of Where I Intended to Be and I are at about the same point in our adoption journey. She gave me this Beautiful Blogger Award which has really served as a pick me up as I sit here childless in the frozen tundra.

SO here are the rules:

1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs.

So Seven Interesting things about me. Hmm. Well, we'll see how interesting these items are!

1) I collect state map postcards. I only need to get Delaware to complete my collection.

2)I was very involved in 4-H as a child and teen. I was a state record book winner (big deal) and went to the National 4-H Congress. I was also one of two youth nation wide who attended a Master Communicator conference.

3) I bought my first home by myself at age 21 and opened my own business.

4)I've driven to west on I-80 to CA 6 times but I've only driven it back east once.

5) I fell in love with France when I was 15 and visited Annecy during high school.

6) I long to move to the country (even though I only live in town of 5,000 people).

7) I apparently make kick ass pumpkin and chocolate pecan pies even though I don't like (and won't taste) either of them.

I'm not sure who to nominate for this award. It looks like it's been making the rounds.

So (I say that a lot) on the adoption front.....


NADA. Just like the previous months. Valentine sex, resulting accidental pregnancies have to be coming to light right? Ground hog day misadventures? ST Patty's is coming up that's got to be good for drunken unprotected sex right?

The pregnant girl (for whom I'm taking over for during maternity leave) last day was today. She's got a scheduled c-section for Friday. I'm not excited to be taking over her work but I am glad not to have her big belly and swollen breasts mocking me on a daily basis.

C'est la vie I guess.

So easily disappointed

Got a call today. The caller id said "blocked". The ONLY blocked calls we get are from C, our facilitator. Well, it used to be those were the only blocked calls we got. It was the plumber :-(

Oh well. I'm feeling better. Mr H and I celebrated our wedding anniversary over the weekend with a lovely room in a historic hotel. We ate ourselves silly and spent did some relaxing in the deep and spacious jetted tub. He planned it all :-)

As he says "I am a lucky (wo)man!"

A Year Later

So it's a year since we decided to adopt. What has happened during that time? We've spent a lot of money, filled out a lot of paperwork and that's about it.

I sort of feel like our time is coming but mostly I don't. I used to be excited about it but now I'm must blah. I honestly don't think about it that much at all. I CAN'T! I hate being vulnerable. I hate not being in control. I hate not having a plan.

There's a family reunion in CA in June. We're going. Well, now I'm going maybe. Mr H doesn't want to take the vacation time because we'll need that paid time when the baby comes. "WHAT baby" was my reaction. He's an optimist. I'm a pessimist.

We're old(er). Maybe we never should have done this. We should just be saving and looking forward to retirement and not be selfish and want something we (I) can't have.

I wish the damn sun would shine!

Haiti

My heart is breaking. I'm watching CNN and they're interviewing a couple watching footage of their in limbo adopted son. It's so very sad.

We sent money to the Red Cross today. Approx 92 cents of every dollar is used directly for relief.

I wish I could do more. I find myself glued to the footage like I was during Katrina.

Nineteen

Now there are 19 waiting families with our facilitator. I've been keeping track. The two latest families include professional musicians and rocket scientists. F**k me. I think i might be starting to get crabby.

Not to mention my little job is going to turn into a full time job (blech) when i take over for the PREGNANT chick when she goes on maternity leave. Plus I think I heard another chick in the office is pregnant.

Our update is on the tenth. I can pretty much tell you what it's going to say.

I'm REALLY tired of this cold cold arctic weather. We're under yet another winter storm warning. 5 -8" of snow, near white out conditions, -20 to -30 degree + wind chill. Yippee! At least I don't have to worry about taking a baby out in that kind of weather right?

Happy New Year!

I'm still amongst the living. I'm still childless. I'm still ok :-)

We've been staying in. It's freakin' cold. We went to It's Complicated today. We really enjoyed it.

Has anyone seen Precious? I can't do it. I also can't watch the MTV adoption show though I caught a little of it the other night. I very quickly changed the channel.

We went to SD to my in-laws over Christmas. I'm working on embroidering a baby blanket. My MIL asked "who's that for". Nice. It wasn't malicious. It just isn't part of their consciousness. Overall we had a lovely visit. My almost 8 year old nephew is hilarious, loud and adorable. We were betting on UNO and bingo. He went "all in".

I hope you all had decent holidays. I've decided I will just be like that river in Egypt. Denile Denile Denile works for me!!

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!?!?!?

I have a bloggy friend (non adoption/IVF or the ilk) whose husband is deployed to the Middle East. He's 3/4 of the way done and was home for two weeks before Thankgiving. They have 2 kids under the age of 3.

She's pregnant.

In TWO weeks she managed to get knocked up!!!

TWO WEEKS!!

!!!!!

It's official!

I've become one of those blogs i hate. The ones who never update. ugh (btw I totally understand not updating).

I just don't have anything to say. We're just waiting, waiting, waiting. I try not to think about it too much.

I moved the bassinet from the left side of the living room to the right side to make room for the Christmas tree once we put it up. I noticed it's getting very dusty and I'll need to wash everything in it. Maybe I should just strip it and have Mr H haul it to the basement til it's needed. The travel system is in the hall of shame (a dead end hall by our stairs which is a catch all for everything) taking up space. It is collapsible so maybe we should just collapse it and store it in the upstairs closet in the office. But really those are the only two reminders I have that we're going to have a child. Well, I mean other than the permanent ache.

Reminder

According to my trusty little ticker it's 9 months and 1 day ago that we decided to adopt. We all know what that means. Yet, here I sit with empty arms.

I'm actually doing ok with it. I try not to think about it (which is lots easier when I don't know we're being profiled).

I passed my huge test btw! As soon as it arrives in the mail I will be a licensed nursing home administrator! However, today, I'm a woman at home with a cold.

I finally mentioned a baby name that Mr H didn't turn his nose up at. It's a boy name. Obviously, I'll take whatever baby is ours but I have secret hopes for a girl!

How do all of you make the baby name decision? Since Mr H has already had 4 tries at it I'm pretty much naming this one as long as he doesn't absolutely hate it.