Thursday, February 3, 2011

Heart Sick

I knew it was going to happen at some point. I just knew.

Over the weekend I got a FB from MC asking for money. They "have no one else to turn to". They wanted to borrow $100 until they get their tax refund.

Mr H was gone. I decided to ignore it. I was (and still am) nauseous about it.

Thank God our adoption is final. I can't imagine the panic I would be feeling if it weren't.

Hours later I got a text from the birthfather asking if I got the FB message.

It's almost a week later. I haven't heard anything else from them.

They entrusted me with their child for life. How can I say no? But how could I possibly say yes?

Have any of you been in this situation? What would you do? How would you react?


  1. Yep, been there, done that.

    You have to say no. It's hard, but you didn't buy their baby and you don't need to make any guilt payments.

    We just said that our funds were also tight with diapers and formula and that we wish we could help, but we could not. I then passed along the contact information for our local post-adoption connection group (state funded...provides lots of resources to all sides of the triad) and suggested they might have some means to be able to help.


  2. I get what the previous poster is saying, but I wouldn't consider it a guilt payment. Consider it helping out a friend. I consider my daughter's birth mom to be a pseudo-sister. I would give them the $100 as a gift. If they were just money grubbers, they would have asked for more than $100. $100 is not that much in the grand scheme of things. Sure it's an unconventional request, but she did help make you a mother. Sorry if that's harsh.

  3. I don't think asking to borrow 100 is too much to ask for and I think you should at least answered them.

  4. I think only you can answer this question. I dont think it is a situation you need to ever tell anyone how you responded. Adoption is hard enough without others critiquing your every move and response. Every situation is sooo very different in adoption. Only you know the complexities. Go with your heart and do what you think is right. Sometimes I also like to look at life scenarios with this question in mind: In 10 years, is this going to matter? Best wishes with your decision!

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  6. Tough call. We know of people that have been in hard times, and I can't say anyone has ever asked us for money. If we meet with them, we will always offer to pay for dinner or whatever...or give their kids a little nicer birthday present to help out...but they have never asked for money.

    Maybe think about getting them a gift card for somewhere such as BP or a food you know they are using it for necessities? I know our gas company Nicor even allows you to pay a on another bill...the gift of warmth.

  7. Did they work with an agency? If they did, there should be post-adoption counseling available to them. Although it's not likely to be monetary help, a caseworker should be able to help them identify options.

  8. First, only you can define the relationship you do or don't have with the birth parents. And, while you are parenting the child that they could not, that does not make you a bank.
    I take the position that it is a slippery slope. While it may be "only" $100, it opens the door to another $100, and then maybe $50, and so forth and so on. It sets precedence that you can and will oblige them.
    The fact that it stressed you out and put you on guard is your gut giving you the right answer for you.

  9. I think if you do help them out now, they will probably as again. Setting up clear boundaries now might be easier than setting them up later.

  10. Hi there...hope everything is going well with baby! We are already thinking about fall vacation and Glacier is on our mind. I seem to think I have read you have been there. Is this correct? Any ideas you can pass along would be appreciated. Thinking about it now to book a night or two loding IN the park.

  11. KT - I dropped you an email on your gmail account. Hope it helps!

  12. I think "M" above said it absolutely perfectly.

    Amen to that.

    Sorry you're in the middle of such an uncomfortable situation. =(