ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!?!?!?

I have a bloggy friend (non adoption/IVF or the ilk) whose husband is deployed to the Middle East. He's 3/4 of the way done and was home for two weeks before Thankgiving. They have 2 kids under the age of 3.

She's pregnant.

In TWO weeks she managed to get knocked up!!!

TWO WEEKS!!

!!!!!

Good Choice!

I am VERY happy with our facilitator, C. She called today because she knows the holidays can be tough. She wanted to wish us a happy holidays, find out if we had any travel plans that might affect being able to contact us (ha!), and give us a mini update. We went active Aug 9th. We've been shown 14 times. Four of those were new emoms. Only one of them has made a match with anyone. I guess I d0n't need to call her for an update this month!

My birthday party was lovely :-) I spent yesterday in a bed. We had a heck of a good time packed into 4.5 hours! Now we're currently waiting to see if we're getting this blizzard that is predicted. It's to start after midinght tonight. 100% of snow for Tuesday with 6 - 13" of snow by Wednesday night with 40 mph winds. I better check our grocery supply!

A New Day

Things are looking up. There's a light skiff of fresh, pure white snow covering the dead grass. Christmas lights are twinkling and I'm inhaling homemade chex mix and advent calendar chocolates! I'm also listening to Vanessa Williams' Christmas album Star Bright which has to be one of my all time favorites.

Mr H is throwing me a birthday party tomorrow night where wine and appetizers will be flowing.

Distract distract distract. That's the key around here ladies!

It's official!

I've become one of those blogs i hate. The ones who never update. ugh (btw I totally understand not updating).

I just don't have anything to say. We're just waiting, waiting, waiting. I try not to think about it too much.

I moved the bassinet from the left side of the living room to the right side to make room for the Christmas tree once we put it up. I noticed it's getting very dusty and I'll need to wash everything in it. Maybe I should just strip it and have Mr H haul it to the basement til it's needed. The travel system is in the hall of shame (a dead end hall by our stairs which is a catch all for everything) taking up space. It is collapsible so maybe we should just collapse it and store it in the upstairs closet in the office. But really those are the only two reminders I have that we're going to have a child. Well, I mean other than the permanent ache.

Update #2

Nothing new to report. We've had two letters go out so far this month. Of the 11 to 13 moms we've already been profiled to she said none of them have made a choice for or against anyone.

C also said a bunch of new adds are dropping this month. She said October was kind of slow but it looks like November is going to be booming judging from the activity she's already had in the first 10 days.

A day last week was really strange to me. I think it was wed or thursday. Baby Mac finally arrived, a friend with PCOS was unable to conceive and whose medical condition was so bad IVF couldn't even be attempted (who has 2 adopted kids) gave birth to her biological child, and an internet friend had a match fail. All in the same day! Adoption and infertility is a strange, strange world.

Reminder

According to my trusty little ticker it's 9 months and 1 day ago that we decided to adopt. We all know what that means. Yet, here I sit with empty arms.

I'm actually doing ok with it. I try not to think about it (which is lots easier when I don't know we're being profiled).

I passed my huge test btw! As soon as it arrives in the mail I will be a licensed nursing home administrator! However, today, I'm a woman at home with a cold.

I finally mentioned a baby name that Mr H didn't turn his nose up at. It's a boy name. Obviously, I'll take whatever baby is ours but I have secret hopes for a girl!

How do all of you make the baby name decision? Since Mr H has already had 4 tries at it I'm pretty much naming this one as long as he doesn't absolutely hate it.

So Here We Are

Waiting. I don't know what happens next. I guess we call her on the 10ths of the months and ask if we've had any action in the past month. I see there's another waiting family on the website. That makes 16 of us. Well, maybe it's still at 15 if our non-birth mom picked someone from our facilitator.

I have my licensing exam again tomorrow. I'm getting the ick. H1N1 is rampant in these parts. The locale big box is sold out of thermometers, ibuprofen and ancetmenophon (which i know I can't spell).

Lots of babies about to be born. Let's home some more are getting conceived. Drunken Halloween parties might help right?

Back in the pool

She didn't pick us. She went with a family that has 1 adopted child at home. I didn't expect to get picked but I'll still let down.

Actually, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm pretty sure I won't sleep all that well tonight though.

AND........

still waiting!

U G H ! ! !

Still Waiting

No decision yet from the emom. C said "I should know something tomorrow (which is today now). I will let you know as soon as I hear something."

I have a dentist appt at 1130. I'm taking my phone! Plus I will be the crazy person telling them "if I get a call i'm answering it! I might get a baby today!" So there!

A Call ~

No, not THE CALL but a call. C called yesterday to see if we wanted to be profiled to a mom that is a little bit outside the criterion we set. Mr H and I talked about it and we do. We should know something Monday. It's a boy due in January. It was all I could think about last night and the first thing I thought about when I woke up. Thus, I have made a conclusion.

I don't want to know when we are being profiled unless we've been picked. Too much for my obsessive self to handle.

The mom has many siblings. Maybe that will be good for us. Who knows. I just want it to be Tuesday already!

Update #1

I got a call back today while I was in the shower. She left a message. The answering machine causes my dog to HOWL something awful. I thought he'd fallen off the bed or something so I leapt out of the shower all dripping and shampoo-y. Anyway, C left a message. Our letter has had lots of activity. It's gone out to 10 potential birthmom's in 2 months! She didn't have any feedback for us though. I don't know if I should be excited or be sad/neurotic!

Two Months

It's been two months since we went active. The facilitator said we should check with her after 2 months (and really not before then) to see what feedback there was on our profile. So I have emailed her.

I haven't heard anything.

Surprised?

Me either.

Patience is a virtue - Patience is a virtue - Patience is a virtue - Patience is a virtue

Nothing to see here

move along!

Insomnia

I was awake most of last night. I would almost be asleep and then I would think of something about the adoption and then it would be over. The main thing that kept me awake is that I don't have any clue about baby names. I had a couple I liked but I couldn't think of them last night (at 2 am). So then I kind of freaked out. A sampling:

"how can I possibly be a good mom if I can't remember what I wanted to name the baby?"

"why does it even matter it's not like we're ever going to get a baby anyway"

"hold up dipshit! The power of positive thinking, remember?"

"You're going to get a baby and you're going to pass the test"

"Why dn't you quit pissing and moaning! You haven't been waiting very long! Have some compassion for your friends!"

....and on and on and on. Then once I DID get to sleep I had another crazy dream! For weeks now I've been having very vivid crazy ass dreams! Last night I was Bridget - from the original Girls.Next.Door. Hef wanted me to give him one last "hummer" before I moved out. He was all naked and sitting at my desk - that's right we weren't even living in the mansion we were living here! I begged off saying I'd just put a peppermint in my mouth. Luckily - and this is hard to say as an insomniac - I woke up right then!

I gotta figure out what I ate before I went to bed and not do it again!

BF Termination notice

I saw one in the paper last night. My mom said they're in there a lot (which i think is weird in a town of 6,000). I never read those legals things so I hadn't noticed. I was very happy to see it because I didn't really understand what it entailed...and now I do!

One down

So it's one month (and 5 days but who's counting) since our profile went active. I wonder how active it really is? We're not supposed to check with her until month 2. I've been trying not to think about it. I've joined a yahoo group of women that are involved in another project I'm involved with. They spend a lot of time talking about their children (mostly little ones) and I'm feeling left out. I haven't really felt like that before. Two of them have newborns. One struggles with infertility. One is a know it all. One's husband it getting a vasectomy and another is getting her tubes tied. I would never do either of the last two. (I realize I couldn't get a vasectomy lol). I tried to make the point that you never ever know what is going to happen in life and that fertility is fragile. One said "well we're just going to have him freeze sperm". Like it was a simple solution. I again tried to make the point of frozen sperm = IUI or IVF which does NOT always = baby. Talking to brick walls! I have a couple of friends that always ask how the adoption is going. That makes me happy that they ask.

Honest Scrap Award

RB at Baby Mac.... where are you....recently (well not so recently lol) honored me with the Honest Scrap Award. I'm just not getting around to following up with it.

Here's how it works:

There are three rules for this award:

First, link back to the person who gave you the award (see above)
Second, give the award to 10 other bloggers.

Third, list 10 honest things about yourself.

Yikes!

I'm going to struggle with the blog awards since I read the same blogs as most everyone else!

1. Evergreen - I've been inspired by her story. It's taught me to be realistic but not bitter.

2. Allie - they're going the private adoption route....something I was too lazy or too much of a wienie to do.

3. BP - a new (to me) blog I'm reading. They're on the adoption journey, too.

Ok onto Honesty (gulp).

1. I'm worried about managing the dog, teenagers, and the baby and Mr. H being gone on business.

2. Feet freak me out. Don't touch 'em, don't talk about 'em and for goodness sake don't post pictures of them!

3. I hate blogs that have music.

4. I'm terrified to retake my certification exam

5. I've sent secrets to PostSecret

6. Bon Jovi is my favorite band EVER

7. I'm worried that our birthparents will regret making an adoption plan or feel that they were coerced

8. I could live on mashed potatoes and gravy

9. I'm bad at waiting

10. I'm a planner. The unknown of adopting is uber difficult for me.

Advertising

I got an email from C today with a spreadsheet showing the # of ads she has dropping in yellow pages each month. In the next year she'll have 1700+ yellow page ads! I think that's good news! We're also finally posted to her website.

I also saw in my hometown newspaper an ad for a couple looking to adopt. So good luck Steve and Jenny. This paper is in a town of 700 people though I don't know what their circulation is. My friend, Katy, works for the paper. Maybe I'll call and see if she has any "scoop" on the ad.

Not much is happening here. The kids are home. It's the second week of school. Mr. H is away on business but is supposed to get home tonight. The four of us are going to Chicago to the Harry Potter movie exhibit at the museum of science and industry this weekend. I've got free hotel room nights (on of the few perks of Mr. H having to travel). We'll probably also hit the Lincoln Park Zoo and the new Nature museum (both free).

I've been having baby dreams which is weird for me. I usually don't. Mr H seems to hate every name I like. I guess I've been pushing the adoption to the back of my mind. Seems easier than dreaming. speculating, and planning.

One Lovely Blog

Karen at Cliobaby was nice enough to give me this award! Too cool :-) I've sat on it for a week or more though without following up. I'm supposed to link to 15 other blogs I read. I think for the most part I read the same blogs everyone else does.....Karen has been a huge help in our adoption journey. From reading her story to helping us compose (and edit and edit and edit) our birthmother letter she's really made this process much easier.

I find myself checking in daily with the following ladies....especially now that many of them are mommies or are matched:

There's Charlie's mamma, Melba.

And Janna with little babies just 5 months apart!

Then there's Bri and her adorable sweetie girl, R.

This next woman makes me laugh. I think we're lots a like! I'd love to sit on Charlotte's mom's porch and have a visit. Of course Erica and her unfolding story with their birthmom is the latest blog to have me on pins and needles! Also, Debra keeps me in stitches as she is TTC.

There's a just a few of the ladies I think of as friends. I got another award recently, too. As soon as I figure out who did it I'll post some more links :-)

our Profile is Active

Forty bound copies are in the hands of C and about to be sent out! We'll be on the web in a few more days. It seems like it's been so long already but many assure me we are moving at lightning speed. It seems like EVERYONE is getting matched these days! I hope we're next! I'll see if I can figure out how to upload our letter/profile. If you really want to see it I can email you the pdf (if you give me your email :-)

So Darn Close

We are so darn close to ready to be presented. The letter is on its way to the printer. I think it's also getting formatted for being online.

Mr H gets home from a 2 week business trip today.

OH and I got my period spontantously yesterday for the first time in YEARS. I was so sick of taking pills that I went off my bc when we got back from our first vacation. It seems pointless to pay all that money to prevent me...the PCOS queen....from getting pregnant. Actually that's not why I'm on them but i was just tired of it. Ugh. Here very shortly I'll be restarting meds and reevaluationg my lifestyle...but just not yet. Just getting my period is upsetting. It's pointless! It's like it's laughing at me saying "i'm going to cause you pain, ickiness and discomfort just because I can! ha!"

Nothing Happening Here

That's right. NADA. C will be back in the office in Monday so I'll touch base with her since I haven't heard from the graphic artist with our completed letter.

Mr H is in the Philippines for two weeks so it's just dog and me hanging out here. I've been staying busy and depending on my friends to help keep me occupied.

When I first started reading adoption blogs I thought it was CRAZY when I found out about breast feeding an adopted child. It just seemed nuts! But now I find myself thinking I want to do it. I've added researching (and emailing some of you) onto my to do list for this next week.

More people are getting matched! My favorites list of people still waiting is getting smaller and smaller!

Finally

Looks like we may have finally made a good choice. I've been in daily voice and email contact with our facilitator...C..(from here on out). I think we've finally gotten enough pictures to her that are action packed and loving enough! I still have this sinus crap lingering so I'm having her turn it over to her graphic artist. Saving myself a headache sounds like a great plan!

I'm getting excited about adoption again rather than crying about the hoops and frustrations. I need to have a talk with my mom about adoption. She caused me to cry when we were in Europe. She just doesn't get it. My dad...lol...got a new camera and is taking crazy amount of pictures with it...he happened to catch a picture of Mr H comforting me as I was crying. Lovely. There'sa vacation memory i'd like as an 8 x 10 ...NOT!

Babies and calls seem to be happening all over! let's hope it rubs off on the rest of us!

Coming outta the Fog

I'm feeling better. Mr H stepped up and did the edits to our letter. I think it's officially done now and we've moved on to the picture portion to go with it. That's gonna stink.

Also Evergreen became a mommy today. That helped alot, too!

Apathy

i feel nothing but apathy toward this adoption process at this point. I hope it's just because I'm sick and exhausted.

I emailed our corrected draft of our letter to the facilitator on june 16th. Yesterday I emailed her to let her know we were home and to find out what's next. She said she was waiting to receive our letter. UGH.

I re-emailed it (to the same address). She's reviewed it, made notes, and will call me today. woo hoo. not.

tell me this is just a phase.

Back again

We're back from our trip. It was great. I have sinus infection. I'm exhausted. I don't feel like I can face the rest of this adoption bs. Maybe after some meds and some naps. Ugh.

Final Draft

The final draft is at the facilitator. She has to approve it then we need to add images (some of which still need to be taken) and make 50 copies.

We leave on another trip Saturday morning. I don't mean to sound blase about it. I'm very fortunate and lucky to be getting to go so many places and see so many things. I just really wanted all this crap taken care of before we left. (Patience is NOT my best known trait - neither is being positive). Oh well.

Babies are being born all over the place. That's good right? It's just not our baby. Maybe ours is being conceived now....drunken, hot summer nights and all :-)

We're back in time for the 4th. Good thoughts for all of you out there in blogland!

We're back

We are back from our family vacation to Yellowstone and Glacier. It was a heckuva drive and a great trip. I was really worried about that much non-stop family time but it worked out ok. The kids go to their mother tomorrow night until the middle of August.

On the adoption front: I got a corrected notarized copy of the homestudy today.

I/we HAVE to get out birthmother letter/profile done this week. We leave on another trip next Saturday and I want to be active before we leave.

Against my better judgement I already wrote a birthmother letter before I had specific criteria. I'm very happy with the letter and very grateful to Karen for all her insight. Thank you!!!! However, it's not what the facilitator wants to it's practically back to the beginning.

Looks like lots has been happening while we were gone...I'm trying to get caught up with all you! I missed you and thought about you lots!

Home Study - Practically compete!

We got the draft of our homestudy today. She is recommending us to adopt! Judging from the report we're pretty great people lol!

I'm glad it came before we leave on vacation on Saturday. At least this won't be another hold up! We just need to make a few factual corrections/additions and point out grammatical errors and we are on our way. FINALLY something goes right!

We have decided to get a different lawyer....whew!

The facilitator called last night to let us know she got our paperwork (and check). She would be reviewing the draft of our letter after she got off the phone. She also said she would call tonight to let us know feedback as well as what our next steps are. Are you kidding me? Did I finally pick someone competent? proactive? professional? I about fell over!

Thank goodness for you guys!

Thanks for all the great comments after my lawyer rant. I don't know why I'm such a wuss when it comes to this stuff. Maybe it's the vulnerability aspect. I'm not like this in any other part of my life.

I've put Mr H in charge of finding our next professional. Hopefully, this one will be actually BE professional.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Today has been the worst day yet. I realize there will be worse days but right now right here this is the one that sucks.

We drove 75 miles to meet face to face with our lawyer today. I wasn't sure what the meeting was about. My husband took the day off from work. We get there. They don't have an appointment for us. IN FACT the lawyer is out of the office. IN FACT she is out of the state! Until the 2nd week in June!

I was beyond pissed off. I still am. No one in the office seems to know why we would be coming in. My husband keeps talking to them. I'm thinking I'm not paying $200+/hr for this crap! I want to get out of there. They give us a booklet (which could have been mailed to us with the application!). We leave and I lose it.

We're talking sobbing to hysteria. Mascara running down my face. WHY do I do such a horrible job picking out the "professionals" that are supposed to help us? How is a lawyer that can't even write our appointment in the BOOK going to navigate the ins and outs of the law so my non-existent, mythical baby doesn't get taken away from me??

She come very highly recommended. Remember two months ago in our first dealing with her/her office when our scheduled phone conference wasn't? Then it was another month before we could get another phone conference with her? And it's now been another month since then?

Isn't the homestudy and the lawyer supposed to be the cut and dried easy part of adoption??

Why can't I trust my instincts? I KNEW we should have called this morning to confirm our appointment.

I think I might throw up

I just sealed an application/contract and a HUGE check in a envelope to mail to a facilitator.

We're really doing this!

Are you kidding me??

I just saw a story on the evening news about a HORSE that got pregnant with twins via surrogate IVF!! Are you kidding me?? For some reason that really sets me off!

in other news - i sent my fingerprints off again today. So now we wait. I need to send the contract, our photograph and a HUGE check to the facilitator, too. I keep delaying that for some reason as well.

Mr. H's birthday is tomorrow. He'll celebrate it by going to Tucson on business for 3 days. Ugh!

Annoyed II

I just got my fingerprints redone. After my 3rd trip to the Sheriff's office today. I got home. I'm filling out the card. I realize I FORGOT TO HAVE THE DEPUTY SIGN THE FING THING!! I can't believe it (actually I can). He's done for the day. I'll have to go back next week. It's a smalltown he should remember that he did it. Otherwise I'll probably have to do it AGAIN which means I'll have to get another set of cards from the SW which will mean another delay! UGH!!

ANNOYED!!

Just got an email from our SW. Apparently, I need to redo my fingerprints. Never mind that we were told over 2 months ago that all four of us cleared the DCI and sex offender registries and everything was off to the FBI.

Her email is very unclear (imagine that). Either 1) the FBI lost them or 2) DCI lost them or 3) the prints were bad.

Well if they were bad why did I clear the DCI? Mr. H suggested perhaps they got smudged. That seems highly unlikely to me since they were computer generated and completely dry instantly!

She's going to drop off more print cards to Mr. H. Who probably won't get them because 1) he's in high level meetings all day 2) she's never on time 3) the person who acts as secretary/office manager/whatever is very uncooperative on the best of days.

How much of this do I 1) have to repay 2) redo 3) reauthorize?

Can you tell that I am 1) pissed off 2) irate 3) bitterly disappointed at the delay this is going to cause?

We've Decided (I think)

We're going with a facilitator. We just don't want to handle the screening/find ourselves. Of course, that means we now have more paperwork to fill out.

We are done with our SW except for waiting for the written report. We have verbal approval from her at this point. It doesn't appear that she used any references other than the ones we gave her. We had another almost 2.5 hour meeting with her last Friday to go over the TWO questions she forgot to ask us. We are not obligated to use her for post placement :-)

I went berserk at garage sales again last week. I got 5 or 6 outfits, what to expect the first year, and two huge baby gates - one of which has never been out of the box - all for under $10! My sister has the same baby gate and says one of them was $100!

The Letter

We working diligently on our Birthmother/Special People letter. UGH!! Karen (Evie's mom) is a huge help. She's an English teacher at heart. BTW Bristol Palin in on the news and annoying the snot out of me. Anyway.....

we're working on our letter. We have a shortened version and the long wanders into profile version. I'm at loose ends somewhat because we still haven't made a decision about private/agency/facilitator/skywriting as our method. I'd guess that most of these entities have guidelines to follow. I really don't want to start on my profile book until I know which of those directions we're going. I still can't decide between digital or handmade. As I may have mentioned I did such a horrific job picking our SW that now I'm scared to make any other decisions! We have to meet with her again on Friday. She forgot to go over some stuff with us. I wonder if that's going to cost us another $100.

There's a crib on sale at Targucci this week that I like. It converts to a toddler bed then to a full size headboard. I'm torn about that, too. If we get it we should put it together. But if it takes us two years get a baby the crib could easily get recalled between now and then. UGH!! Do you think I could think of anything else I could worry about? I'm such a dork sometimes. Keep in mind, too, that the more I blog the more I prolong working on our letter :-)

Holy Smokes!

It's been 3 months since we decided to adopt! I don't know if we are ahead of or behind where we should be! Yikes! One of our refence letters has been returned. Our friends - who are late for EVERYTHING - were the first to turn theirs in. I'm shocked and surprised. They must realize how very important this is to us. Except for a very few close friends I'm sure our decision to adopt has come as a surprise. Heck, it came as a surprise to us!

I've been a total slug all day. I hope I'm in a better frame of mind tomorrow.

Getting Back in the Game

Ok, I admit it. I've slacked off in the adoption pursuit process. I was really working hard on the birthmother letter and even getting started on the profile book. It was seeming kind of "cart before the horse" ish because we don't know if we're going with an agency, a facilitator, or just doing it independently. But all these paths require a letter and a profile. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of failing, of not writing a true enough good enough letter.

Anyway, I'm going to get back in the game.

Talked to a Birthmom!

Omgosh! I just talked to a birthmom on IM! It was surreal. What do you say? what do you ask? We chatted a little bit. She asked if we were with an agency or what. I explained to her what a homestudy is all about. Then she goes, "I'm going to be honest. The reason I chose adoption over termination is financial."

I replied, "Well, I'm new at this but I know our state only allows certain expenses to be paid".

She replies, "Ok, well I gotta get going."

And she was gone!

I don't feel bad about it. I'm actually excited because it means the things I've done to get us "out there" are working! I mean who know if this chick is actually pregnant or anything else but it give me hope!

Now, onto my interview. It was fine. Actually it was a waste of my time. Almost three hours of it. We have to meet with her once more. She has some things she needs to discuss with both of us. Plus she wondered why I hadn't given her the kids' medical statements. Um, maybe because you never asked for them? So now we have to get that done, too.

The next step is the reference letters. She's going to send them to some of the people we suggested but she likes to find people on her own, too. She wouldn't tell me what questions she was asking in the letter. I inquired what if they don't get returned. Will she let me know so I can remind them? Nope. Not telling me who she sends them to.

We should be done with all this stuff by the end of may. yay!

My Interview - I

My interview is today at 2. I'm going to her so at least I know I will be on time. I asked Mr H if I should be nervous. He said no I should be careful and patient.

"Careful?" I asked.

"Yes" he replied, "you know she's going to ask some crazy stuff and irritate you and you're going to need to remain calm". LOL. Does he know me or what?

I will be so glad when this is over and we can move onto the next thing.

Garage Sale Haul

We went a little crazy at the town wide garage sales on Saturday. We got all this plus a changing table for under $40! I ended up throwing the barn out because it was in crappy condition. I was just in some sort of buying frenzy when I picked it up!

The haul includes:

2 baby hats
10 sleepers
5 footed sleepers
2 sleep sacks

10 onesies (long and short sleeved)
5 bibs
a pair of cookie monster overalls
a hard book, a quilted book (I can't believe someone sold it), a sack of baby spoons, a baby quilt for me to cross stitch, plus a formal dress for C for her spring concert, a clock, a phone, an awesome pair of binoculars (a steal at $5), and a jar of strawberry jelly!

I LOVE garage sales!!

And it happens again....but never to me...or the people I know

SO....When I was talking to my sister yesterday she said "everyone around me is pregnant". I replied, "Oh really? Who?" She names two or three ladies and then says, "and there's one more but I can't say anything for a week." Well, it turns out it's this friend of hers who I know. She has terrible PCOS. They did all sorts of procedures on her so they could do IVF but the damage/disease was so much that the doctors wouldn't even attempt an egg retrieval.

They adopted two boys through foster care. The boys are half brothers. The youngest one is three. I think the older one is seven.

She hasn't been feeling well. Finally went to the doctor. He says "when did you last use birth control?" She replies, "1999." yup! spontaneously pregnant. I should be happy for her but I can't say that I am.

Kids' Interviews III

SO I emailed the SW to see if I needed to send her a check. She said I could just payer her for all of them ($100 each btw) when I do mine on Tuesday. I'm going to her for mine so at least I know what time I'll be there!

She did say in the email that the kids "were nice young people". That gives me much hope as this portion of the homestudy is what I was most freaked out about. I will need to pray for patience and the holding of my tongue on Tuesday because I KNOW she's going to say some crazy stuff that is going to set me off. Speaking of which.....

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????

First, I went to a conference yesterday for Continuing education hours I need for a certification. Well it was only 6 hours of CEU's and I need 10. I've emailed and attempted to call a variety of people to confirm this information. When I get there (after a 2.5 hour drive for a conference that starts at 7:45 a.m.) I find that unless I am working in the field as the director - not as an assistant - I don't need the CEU's. I also find out that since I took the initial certifying class I wouldn't EVER need to take it again even if I don't maintain the CEU's yearly. I was mad mad mad! Why couldn't anyone give me this answer ahead of time?

Second, there was a woman in my certifying class that none of us could stand. She passed me on the interstate. I thought "oh crap". I get to the conference. I set my things down (there are about 125 ppl attending this thing - lots of places to sit), I run to the restroom. When I come back guess who is seated 2 spots over from me? Yup, HER! (disclaimer - this doesn't really fall under the what's wrong with people label)(but it was still annoying!)

Third, as the conference begins the woman in front of me and one spot over is giving herself a manicure. We're talking clipping, filing, and painting!

Fourth, the woman in front of me starts brushing out her hair in close proximity to my water glass! Throughout the day she continues to mess with it. Fluffing it, flipping it, and trying to get it to stay in her barrette! Repulsive!

Fifth, the 4 women behind me were in a continuous yapfest! Shut up! I can't hear the speaker! I tell the guy next to me "I feel like I'm schizophrenic!"

The day ended well though. It was a gorgeous 85 degrees out. My sister and 3 year old nephew drove to meet me after the meeting. We went and played in the park. Then we went for a ride in my "great big truck" and got ice cream. My nephew was disappointed that we couldn't "peal out" in town like we did at grandpa and grandma's farm last time he was home.

I'm sooooo ready to be a mom!

Kids' Interviews II - OMGOSH~

I cannot believe it! The SW just up and left when she was done talking to C. I had taken N to soccer practice. I was gone 15 min. I yelled hello when I got back . I put stuff on the dining room table (they were in the Living room). I THREW the dog toy into the living room. The dog chased after it.

20 min later I hear the front door shut. I thought, hmm maybe she and C went outside so C could show her something. About 5 min later I think it's awfully quiet. I go and check. C's shoes are here. The SW's car is gone. She just left. I didn't pay her. We didn't reconfirm my appt for next week. I go talk to C. They didn't think I was here so she left.

I cannot believe it!

Kids' interviews I

So this time the SW shows up at 1:10 proclaiming, "At least I'm not early this time! I'm soooo sorry for being late". Um yeah. The appointment is at 1:30. The kids aren't home from school yet.

I'm thinking we're going to have the homestudy reviewed by someone to make sure it actually covers what it is supposed to and our future child isn't taken away because she's a dingbat.

Mr H's interview

Mr H had his interview today. Mine is next week. Our SW continues to be a crazy. Evidently she has an endless supply of cleft-palated, club footed rape produced babies. UGH!! I may be wrong but isn't the reason we can check our preferences of what we want and don't want is because they are OUR PREFERENCES?? Does she think we are taking or making these decisions lightly?

His interview took almost 2.5 hours. He said it was tedious and grueling. Evidently she offhandedly mentioned that our FBI checks came back clear. I'd think something like that would warrant an email.

She interviews the kids here tomorrow. I'm having issues with the teens again and am scared to death they are going to sink this ship before it even sails.

And the Craziness continues

I have a friend, T who is getting married later this year. She's 30. We were chatting last night and she said her fiance wants a baby right away but she wasn't sure. I launched into my crazy infertile mode... "You really need to be aware of your fertility and you need to protect it". Then I went into a discussion (kinda one sided) of cervical mucus. I told her I would have lent her fertility for dummies if I hadn't thrown it out in a fit of anger lol.

She took it very well. She prob thinks I'm nuts. Oh well.

Picking a lawyer

We have a conference call with a top adoption lawyer today. Our SW says she gets lots of birthmom's contacting her since the word is out that she handles adoption. Also she's in a university town so I'd think that would help the size of her "pool".

We also have a lawyer friend who has heard nothing but good things about her and was very impressed we were seeking her out.

We love love love the lawyer we used during our custody trial but she doesn't do adoptions.

plodding along we are!

Dear Birthmother....

What in the world do you say? I actually think I have a handle on it but I think it's too long and dry and boring. My goal is to get this (Mr H is helping) and our profile done then take my stinking exam over again. I missed passing by 4 - FOUR - points!! I guess that's not so bad but it still involved crying.

I can only deal with one huge life changing bit of stress at at time. Therefore, I'm concentrating on the adoption currently!

Check out my poll - I think the scrapbook would be more personal but I think the photobook would be more polished and easier to mass produce!

Are you Kidding me??

SO today's the day of the homestudy. The kids are off school for Good Friday. The boy has Flu Strain A, I have the end of sinus infection. Mr H made the wise decision to stay home and help me finish getting ready for the visit.

I got lunch going EARLY so I could have it served and cleaned up before the 12:30 pm visit. As soon as I got those two things accomplished I would jump in the shower.

11:35 we're sitting down to lunch. I think I hear my phone ringing in my spotless boudoir. I miss the call. I call my voicemail. It's the SW, "Hi I'm running a little late. I'm so sorry. I just outside of town". WTF?? Are you kidding me?

Mr H and I jump up. Instruct the kids to let her in. We run into the bedroom. We're ripping off our clothes (like they haven't been ripped off in years). We're both still in our grungies. Neither of us have showered let alone brushed our teeth. I've spent the morning cooking, vacuuming and doing dishes! We barely got dressed and brushed before she was here.

She spent 10 minutes looking at the house. She spent 2 hours wandering off the subject at hand. She looked at our insurance policies and updated debts and assets. We set up the formal interviews for the four of us. She said she didn't see any sort of problem so far. Then she remembered to ask what kind of child we would consider.

Then my tongue started to bleed. I was biting it so hard. I said I wanted 0-3 months. She tells us it's virtually impossible to adopt an infant. She's seen the statistics. We tell her we aren't interested in a child that is a product of rape or incest. She asks, "why not rape?" I give her my reasons. She proceeds to tell us to think about it. At this point I start losing my hearing I'm getting so pissed off. I do hear some phrase that ends "all men would rape given the chance" or whatever that quote/line of thinking is from 50 years ago. In my notes I have written, "pissing me off!" I ask how many rape babies she's placed. She says lots in 35 years. I say "how many is lots? 10? 20? 50?" She replies, "Oh way more than that."

What a day. What a dingbat. I've checked there's no complaints against her. She is (or has been) at one time very highly regarded. I just wanted to knock her wig off.

Oh yes, she's also warned me of the dangers of the Internet.


I can't remember the other idiotic stuff she said.

Individual interviews start next week!

From one stress to another

Yesterday I failed my professional licensing exam. Friday is our homestudy safety/meet the kids visit. Today Merry Maids arrived. I had them clean everything except our bedroom and the kids' rooms. I had the kids work on that over the weekend.

I've spent today working on our adoption website/birth mother letter/profile and in between cleaning our DISGUSTING bedroom. I have no idea why my dog is NOT bald! The dust oh my gosh the dust. It's nauseating. I have one of those bagless vacuums. I grew up in the 80's GAG ME WITH A SPOON! I just don't think I can vacuum any more tonight.

Oh and I got to go to the bank and pull out our insurance policies and mortgage agreement for the SW to look at.

Then I looked at the wall coming down from the upstairs. Grubby hand prints of teenagers. Too bad I don't have time to repaint it. I hate to paint. Plus it's in the foyer so the wall is like 20' high (only painting part of it would look like crap)(I mean worse crap than it currently does).

Does everyone get this psycho before the first home visit??

I guess some people must be bad...

Here's the email I got from our SW today:

"Just wanted to let you know that the Child Abuse and Division of Criminal Records checks are back already! Can't believe it - you all must have an angel on your shoulders. The FBI checks take longer but I can proceed as long as I have the ones that have come in. See you the 10th!"

Woo hoo! We're one tiny step closer.

It's a Date

Our first home visit is scheduled for April 10th at 12:30. The kids don't have school since it is good Friday but the Boy has a soccer game that afternoon. The SW is going to do the safety inspection and meet the kids so that they know her a little bit before she has to interview them. I could have scheduled it sooner but I have my licensing exam (BIG DEAL) test on the 7th and need to concentrate on studying first.

We had callbacks from the references provided by the facilitator we're considering when we returned home. Mr. H talked with one of them. They had glowing reports about the facilitator. They had been trying to adopt for a long time. 1st through an attorney, then through a Christian agency ( I think it was for 2 -3 years) then finally with the facilitator. Within 3 months they had a baby in their arms! I realize that's an anomaly but it continues the good feeling I have about this lady and her company.

FBI work your Magic!

We're still traveling - we should be home tonight. I emailed our SW to make sure she got our paperwork (as if the delivery confirmation from the USPS wasn't enough). She did and said she'd sent off our background checks! Woo hoo! Plus she didn't make any other comments about anything else in there so I'm guessing that means it was ok.

The rest of our week is crummy/crazy busy and so is the SW's. Mr H will be home til Wed when he has to go to Vegas for work (poor thing).

We're going to try to schedule the first visit for next week. things are progressing!

Thanks!

Thanks for all the great comments everyone! I love finding new blogs/groups I don't know about. I feel like I need all the help I can get. I see several of you are from Lost and Found. I don't know what that is....can someone send me a link?

No news on the adoption front other than my paper cut really hurts! Have a great weekend everyone!

In the Mail

The homestudy application/paperwork/fingerprints goes in the mail in the morning.

Until today it had gone pretty smoothly.

Mr H and the kids getting fingerprinted required 2 trips to the sherriff's office. Plus Mr H going back in two more times after coming home. UGH!

Then I got a huge freakin' paper cut sealing the stinking envelope AND by then the post office was closed.

so now we wait.

I wonder...

how often I make insensitive dumb-ass comments? I try not to but I bet I do.

I went to a scrapbooking charity crop on Saturday. I really had to struggle to educate my sister and our friends about adoption and how some people go about it. It was interesting to see what outraged them and what they just plain didn't understand. Of course among the four of them there are 6 children under the age of seven and one of them thinks she might be pregnant. Which is great except for the fact that she's going on vacation soon and wants to drink. So I listened to several hours of "but I don't want to be pregnant right now". Are you F***ING kidding me? Since you are fertile myrtle and you're doing it like bunnies perhaps you should wrap it up till you GO on vacation!

My head hurts just thinking about it. People are weird.

Overly Sensitive?

I went and got my fingerprints done today. It was easy! I couldn't believe it. It only took about 10 minutes and cost $5 bucks. It's all done on a scan machine so there were no worries about smudges or smears.

I had a nice chat with the Officer. As we got done I commented that Mr. H and the kids would need to come in yet. He said one time there was a family he printed that was the mom, dad, and four or 5 kids they were adopting.

Then he said, "We just did it the old fashioned way."

And I replied acidly, "Well we tried but I didn't work."

"I meant the fingerprinting. We did it with ink."

I felt myself turning a little red. Sensitive anyone??

The Bad Economy is a Good Thing?

Mr H talked to another facilitator tonight. She said it's a weird time for adoptions because of the economy. There are fewer people who can afford to adopt and there are more BM's that can't afford to keep their offspring. So that's good for us. Isn't that awful?

The lady also said she usually has 25 couples in her pool - which is her self-imposed limit. However, she currently only has 15!

I'm getting excited again! I was in the dumps all day, too. I want someone to say to me "this is the agency/facilitator for you". Beyond that I'm willing to make all the other decisions, but this one just seems too much for me.

Mr H fell asleep writing the first paragraph of his autobiography last night. He therefore concluded that he leads a boring life. I have to say I read that first paragraph...... He might not be wrong!

Searching, Searching

Mr H is down in the basement going through our myriad of Rubbermaids looking for our 2007 tax return for our home study. I'm waiting for my mom to email me with the year I started school (I'm not sure) and math isn't my strong point so counting backwards isn't the best bet. I also need her to tell me her and dad's degrees and dates. It seems like some of this stuff is beyond goofy for the need to know. I'm sure it will get worse!

Mr H talked to his parents (as he does every Sunday) and his dad made what I would assume is our first negative comment. They were talking about the progress we're making on the adoption and where the babies come from and his dad says something to the effect of "to each his own". Lovely.

Thanks to everyone that's come over to say hello. Knowing others are out there going through the same things really helps. None of my friends can relate.

I haven't revealed many of our personal details yet. I'm not sure why that is. I have another blog where I blog about all our regular day stuff. I haven't given friends and family this address yet. I think it's because I'm scared we won't pass the home study and I don't want everyone I know knowing that I'm a failure as a mother before I even get a baby. Ridiculous I know!

It's hard not to be Happy...

when good things keep happening! I bought a powerball ticket tonight I'm feeling so lucky!

We met with the social worker for our initial interview and to get the criminal background and fingerprint cards from her. It went very well. She seems like a very nice lady. She's older and is an adoptive mom herself. She's also involved in lots of visible community type things and has worked at the state level on adoption reform. She referred a couple of attorneys to us, too.

We had a gift card to Outback so went there for a cheaper dinner. While dining Mr H imparted some good news. His company met its goal so there's going to be a substantial bonus. It will go a long way to helping us with this adoption! Yay!

What do you know!

We called the bank at noon and now at 2:06pm we are approved for financing for the adoption! Wow!

Rejection!

We got a form rejection letter from a facilitator today. I'm not that upset. They referred us to another facilitator who I'm currently researching. I filled out the obligatory preform so we can find out what their fees are.

I've started working on my autobiography (what a snooze that's going to be!) when on study breaks. Mr H is picking up the criminal background check paperwork etc from our home study lady Nancy tomorrow night.

I'll be gone on Saturday and the kids will be at their brother's so may be he can get going on that!

It's all forward movement right?

I can't believe

We're making progress! We've engaged a person to do our home study. She's answered our emails promptly and has a personality. Of course the thought of the home study makes me nauseous especially with two teenagers in the house. I think their animosity toward us winning custody has lessened quite a bit since the trial. I hope so. I'm scared to death they will cause us to get denied.

Mr H has a physical scheduled for Friday. She was able to email us that portion of the forms so he has it and we don't have to pay two office visits.

I found the list of state licensed agencies in our state so I emailed quite a few of them today. Hopefully, we'll hear back soon and we can keep moving forward!

Highs and Lows

I've been reading adoption websites, forums, blogs etc. They all say that there are highs and lows. Well, I've gotten to experience that today.

We had a conference call with an agency today. The number of families they serve sounds reasonable. The number of adoptions/infant placements they had last year sounds reasonable. Everything about it sounds good. I'm excited! We're signed up to attend an orientation next Wednesday. It feels good to be doing something. To be making some kind of progress. We already have their info packet on international but we've decided to go domestic. She'll email us the packet.

I get home tonight and Mr. H has forwarded me the link. I'm so excited sitting down to the computer to check it out.

This agency is not going to be for us. Their fees seem very high especially when it says that the money is used to help all pregnant women who contact them and not just those who decide to make adoption plans.

Plus it requires a letter from our pastor or priest. We're Christian. We've both been involved in our churches previously. We moved. The pastors have changed. We haven't found a new church home we're both comfortable with here. So already we are out before we were even in. Now, five hours later I've gone from excited to having a migraine.

Slowly but surely

We are making some progress. Mr H made calls to 3 adoption attorneys and faxed a homestudy agency yesterday. I started filling out an application for an adoption facilitation facility. Some of those questions are hard! I really like the sound/statistics of this agency. I'm afraid it might fall under the "sounds to good to be true" category.

Tomorrow I'm heading out of town to see my friend K and her family. She's got a new baby I have yet to meet. He's just over 2 months old. She also has a 6 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. Strangely, being around her fertile myrtle self and her kids doesn't bother me in the least. She told another friend she was scared to tell me (and a 3rd friend of ours who's struggling with infertility) that she was pregnant AGAIN! I was so excited for her though. Her first son is probably the closest I'll ever be to pregnant. We worked together so I saw her almost every, single day of her pregnancy. I was at the hospital just before she was in labor and then a few hours after S came into the world. I'd go over and have lunch with her and the baby, too. I love him dearly.

Hopefully, Mr H will work on his answers for the facilitator this weekend while I'm gone. He'll have his hands full with the teens though. I'll be lucky to come home and find him awake and our house still standing. Our 3rd wedding anniversary is Sunday.

My newest irrational worry

I was filling out a preliminary questionnaire for an agency last night. They wanted "to know about your struggles with infertility". Crap! We didn't really have major struggles. I got diagnosed. Mr H got examined. We determined that between us the minuscule chances of us getting pregnant weren't worth the pain, time and expense. Why spend all that money, energy and heartache to still be childless and then not have any money to spend on alternatives?

So now I'm freaked out that we aren't infertile enough to adopt. It's been less than a week since we made the decision to adopt our child and I'm already freaking out. Ugh.

Introduction

My name is Mrs H. I suffer from PCOS. My husband (who is older) and I have been married 3 years. He has 4 children from a previous marriage. I have none. We have recently made the decision to adopt a child. Getting here has not been with out heartache and tears.

Figuring out where to begin is overwhelming. I spent yesterday reading adoption blogs and various websites.

I guess I'll start from here. Today, I emailed our lawyer for a recommendation for an adoption lawyer. I also emailed a few agencies to see what assistance they can provide.

Adoption is my last best hope of having a child.