And it continues

Shit! I thought the waiting was the rough part. The matching is almost worse. High highs and low lows.

We've got the emom in an apt. We can pay for it until 6 weeks after the birth. We're paying 4 months worth of rent! The utilities are included. We're planning to go and see her over Labor Day weekend. She was in an unsafe situation so we've now paid for a week and a half of hotel until we could get her in the apt. At least I'm getting points. I haven't heard from her in 2 days. The lawyer couldn't get a hold of her either. panic. The laywer texted her. someone texted back saying the emom had left the phone in her car and she'd return it to her after work. I wonder if that's true.

We've found out some stuff about the emom that she didn't intend for us to know. It's stuff that is or will be part of my son's life/past. It will hurt him i'm sure. It's not horrible but it's not ideal by any means either.

AND i have to say i'm really annoyed with people asking me questions about the emom.

"does she have kids?"
"is she educated?"
"why is she giving him up?"
"is she with the father?"
"does she know who the father is?"

It's hard for me. I'm a very open person. But it's none of your effing business.

Being matched is kind of like dating. You really like the person but you don't want to seem to eager. They've said they like you (but do they really mean it?) Should I call? Why haven't they called? If i call will that annoy them and put them off? I wonder if they're ok? and on and on and on. I may need some drug therapy! Today I opted for a bff and margarita therapy!

Out of Body Experience

Talking to the emom is like having an out of body experience. I hear myself talking to her. I hear her telling me she wants us to parent her baby. I hear her saying she wants to give her child the life she can't and she wants to give me the child that I can't conceive.

I can't believe it's true. I'm excited but I'm cautious. We've told 2 friends. That's mostly because Mr H is in a different hemisphere and I'm in full freak out mode. I can't imagine how he's feeling. Luckily he's exhausted from the time change and I don't think he's dwelling on it like I am. I know he's excited and cautiously optimistic too. He's just not the one that's here..making the calls, getting calls from C etc etc.

I have let myself look at baby stuff online. And I've dug the baby quilt out of the hall and intend to get back to embroidering it.

How did you all handle this phase - if you're fortunate enough to have made it to this phase? When did you know it was official? Was there paper work to sign? Commitments to make legal? I hope we'll know more Monday or Tuesday.

Is this It?

I think this might be it! We talked to an emom tonight. She's due in October.

"I want you to be my baby's parents. You're the only ones I like. You're the only ones I'm talking to. Do you want to have my baby?"

I think I'm going to be a mom in 3 months!

This feels like this is it.

Note: Mr H is currently on the otherside of the world...for real! It's just me, the dog, and you blog buddies!

Still waiting

Hello all...anyone still bother to check this blog I never update?

I just got back from a driving trip to CA.

I'm going to be a better blogger :-)

I'm reading all your blogs. I just live by the adage of "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all."

SO the emom that we talked to.....
she called the facilitator right after we talked and said she really liked us...but wanted to talk to another couple. Then she called C late, late that same night asking for a counselor. C found out she was upset that her purse had been stolen, she'd lost her rent money etc etc. C said it sent up huge red flags for her. C suggested she call the police. Said she couldn't really do anything for her. After all at this point she was just an emom calling about the services she wasn't "signed up" or anything.

C hasn't heard from her since.

And THAT would be the latest on our adoption front. I've accepted the fact that if..after our 3 years with C are up (we have 2 left) that we may not have a child. Then I'm done.

Currently, I'm ok with it. I'll be 41 then. Mr H will be pushing 50. We'll just call it another one of those life things that didn't work out like we thought it would.

Maybe I"ll be surprised. We'll see.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Another Phone Call

We were out celebrating Mr H's birthday last night when I got a call from "Restricted." It was the facilitator. An expectant mom wanted to talk to us. Were we in a place we were could call her? We ditched Mr H's friends and work buddies and ran over to his office to call.

The mom, I'll call her LA, had spoken to a family the previous night but wanted to speak to us too. She'd spoken to them for 1.5 hours. I was oddly calm. It was kind of like an out of body experience. We spoke for 45 min. She has a child already and wants to do right by this one. She's just in place where she is getting her life together and doesn't think it's fair to the baby, her older child or herself to try and raise this one.

The call was great. She asked us if we wanted to be there for the birth. How much openness we wanted. How she'd like to meet before the birth.

I called the facilitator afterward. Told her I'd thought it went well. Gave her a few details. (All left on her voicemail). She called me about a half hour later. Said LA had reported she really liked us but she'd asked to talk to another family. C and LA are supposed to talk again today.

Now I feel like I f'd up the phone call. LA didn't want to talk to Mr H. Maybe I should have insisted. I didn't ask her a lot about herself (C had already told me lots...I didn't want to interrogate her). I didn't tell her how much i really really want a baby ( I didn't want to pressure her).

UGH. I hate popularity contests and this is what I feel like this is.

NOW I know "the right baby will find Me" and "the Lord works in mysterious ways" and all that but DANG! Why does this have to be so hard? Isn't infertility and barrenness enough?

SO my bloggy friends...Please keep us and LA in your prayers and thoughts and anything else you do or believe. I think we all could use it.

Well then

Nothing seems to be coming of the text baby situation. I got a little excited there for a minute. If nothing else it goaded me into some action and made me realize that despite what I tell myself I really do still want a baby.

So there you have it. Still want a kid. Still don't have one. Perhaps this will cause me to be proactive and make some pass along cards. I should probably look and see when I need to update the homestudy. I know that's coming up shortly. Dealing with our dippy social worker is sure to put me in the loveliest of moods.

The Text!

I get a text from a friend today saying "If I ever heard about adoption possibilities do you want me to tell you?"

um.........

YES!!

A friend of hers (acquaintance of mine) has a friend who is 4 mo pregnant with her 3 child. She had two little ones already and cannot imagine being able to raise another child. (sounds good so far). She is very serious about adoption and the acquaintance has told her all about us, shown her our FB adoption page etc.

The emom lives on the other side of the state.

Now Mr H has to go to the Philippines for work at least once a year. I've gone with him previously. The acquaintance believes the father is Filipino. (Is that a sign or what?)

I've forwarded our adoption profile to the friend, who has forwarded it to the acquaintance who will forward it to the emom, contacted our facilitator (which gave me no small amount of angst)(who knew is was impossible to edit a pdf that you yourself didn't make?) and left a message for our lawyer friend.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

.....it's not working. I wonder if this could be it?

Back in the pool

She didn't pick us. She went with a family that has 1 adopted child at home. I didn't expect to get picked but I'll still let down.

Actually, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm pretty sure I won't sleep all that well tonight though.

AND........

still waiting!

U G H ! ! !

Still Waiting

No decision yet from the emom. C said "I should know something tomorrow (which is today now). I will let you know as soon as I hear something."

I have a dentist appt at 1130. I'm taking my phone! Plus I will be the crazy person telling them "if I get a call i'm answering it! I might get a baby today!" So there!