Jr is practically seven months old.
I can't believe it!
He sits up on his own (sort of).
He eats squash, sweet potatos, peas, and appears allergic to bananas.
His two bottom front teeth has broken through.
He's the light of my life.
I don't know what to say. I'm just being a parent. I don't think about the adoption all that much. I tell him about his birthparents. I wonder about his birthparents. I try to decipher their FB stati (plural of status). I cringe when I get an email from them because it's usually a plea for money. I did send her a phone card last month. I helped her to find local resources to help her out. I did not give her cash like she requested repeatedly. She told me she loved us anyway.
I can't make her make good choices.
I think about the type of relationship we have. I don't know what it is. I send her updates and pictures monthly. She asked for videos of him. I took a bunch and sent them today. She doesn't share much - which is her right. I wish I knew more about her. Things I could tell her son. She's not a letter writer or an emailer or much of a talker (at least with me). Truth be told I don't think we have much of a relationship.
So these are the things I do think about. It's draining. I know she misses him and loves him.
I read a birthmother blog today where the write posted that she believes adopted parents realize that the child is never "fully theirs". So now I'm ruminating on that.
I know this is all over the place. Maybe because I'm out of practice.
I don't know what blog you are referring to when you say that a birthmother says that adoptive parents realize that their child is never "fully theirs" I don't know if they meant it in a mean way or just a statement of the facts that they believe to be true.
ReplyDeleteAn adoptee is always going to be another mother's child in addition to your child. We are the birthparent and the child or children are our children. It's not the same as if I raised them but my daughter is my daughter too. However, she can never be "fully mine" either. It's just a fact of adoption.
I am sorry that you don't have the relationship with his birthmom that you would like. It's still pretty early in the relationship and maybe in time she will open up to you. Right now, your son is a baby and she might not feel the need to share too much with you right now. Plus, if it was me personally I would fear being judged and the adoption being closed because you didn't agree with my style of living.
Thanks for you comments. I really do appreciate them :-)
ReplyDeleteI don't remember which blog it was (and I can't find it) but the writer was saying it as a fact (which it is). It's just one I don't think about much. He is hers and he is ours.
I'm not even sure what type of relationship I want with her. I certainly don't want it to be closed. At the same time I can't imagine it being one where we are BFFs.
I like to think I wouldn't judge her but I'm sure I do. I would hope I wouldn't feel like I need to weild opening/closing the adoption/relationship over her as a threat.
My thought now is that would only happen if the relationship remaining open were a threat to my son. But what constitutes a threat? Drug abuse? Christian Fundamentalism? Not agreeing with my politics or my support of equal rights? Threatening to come and snatch him away? Disinterest in him?
In some ways that not knowing how this (their place in our lives...how it will all play out etc) is almost as nerve-wracking as the waiting was.
Be patient with your relationship. Don't over-think it. Let it evolve, and be ok with the level of contact you have, allowing for more openness if you want, but don't feel guilty about what you do have. She requested videos, and you sent them. You are in contact with her monthly. That is actually quite a bit of contact. As you said, you guys don't need to be BFFs.
ReplyDeleteAs far as our children not being fully ours, I guess the way I see it is Pinecone is "fully mine" AND also someone else's. An equation that equals more than 100% I guess.
He is super cute! Those cheeks! Those eyes! That smile!
ps - time to change your tickers!
Awww, Junior looks great! So darling!
ReplyDeleteI think you're handling the money issue well; I was wondering how that was playing out since you posted about it.
As for the "fully theirs" statement, I beg to differ. I think Evergreen's got the best start on the 'answer' path, of which I think there is a spectrum of answers. Who does my boy belong to? Me and DH and the rest of our family; because it's a closed adoption, it's a 'more true' statement in our case than y'all in semi or open adoptions.
Wow, what a surprise to pop into my reader this morning! Good to hear from you and see your precious little boy. As I am sure you say to yourself, where did the time go?
ReplyDeleteAs an adult adoptee, mother to a biological son, and prospective adoptive parent I'm not actually even sure what the phrase "fully theirs" means. Children are not the possession of any parent. We are their care givers, nurturers, custodians, protectors, guides through life, and unconditional lovers of all things them, but we don't "own" them regardless of how they come to us. I'd feel no different if it had been an adoptive mother who wrote that. Although, knowing it is from a birth mother makes me sad for her need to validate her decision to place at an adoptive parents expense. It can be very complex and complicated indeed, this triad.
http://itiswhatitisorisit.net/
I can't believe he's getting so big! I echo the previous comment about giving the relationship with the birthparents time to develop because I feel that our relationship with Evie's birthparents is much more relaxed now than it was in the first year. An adoption is a very stressful and awkward way to start a relationship with a person, so it takes time to smooth out. I think you're handling the money requests great! I don't think I would be as gracious in your position, so I admire your attitude about it.
ReplyDelete