Santa!

Back to Work

I went back to work on 11/29. It was Heath's first day with a babysitter. It was my birthday. As I hauled him and his stuff into the sitter's I "twinged" my back. I've pretty much been out of commission ever since. I missed the next two days of work due to not being able to move or stand without assistance. Then I worked 2 half days with a day off in between. I made 4 trips to the chiro (thank goodness for the HSA).

Mr H had to do all baby duty for about 1.5 weeks. I felt bad for him he was exhausted. WIth my back it was impossible to lift the baby without pain. I felt like such a rotten mother.

I'm mostly recovered now. The 17 year old is riding with me to and from daycare so he can haul the baby in and out. I hope that ends this week.

We got hit with the snow/ice/arctic temps over the weekend. We didn't leave the house at all. I had the baby so bundled up this morning I'm shocked he could breathe. It's predicted for -30 tonight!

Heath is growing like crazy. He will fit in something one day and the next day it's too small! With it being so cold I'm pretty much keeping him in sleepers constantly.

I finally got our Christmas cards done. Now I just have to wait for them to arrive.

I've been thinking about MC a lot. I sent her a 2 mo update and some more photos. We're done paying her expenses now. From her FB posts she seems to be doing well. She did have a "down" post one day. I emailed and let her know how much she means to us, how much we love the baby, and how often we think of her. She said it helped. I wish we had more back and forth contact with her than we do. She mainly texts and posts to FB with her phone. She's not a letter writer or an emailer.

I've been torn as to what to do about Christmas with her and the birthfather. Gifts. No Gifts. Ugh. I just don't know!

2 Months Old

Somebody is growing way too fast for his Mommy!

He's 12.9 lbs now and 23.75" long! He's awake a lot more but is still a sweet, mellow, chilled out baby! People marvel at him!

I went back to work on Monday. I threw my back out that same day. I spent the rest of the week at home inert. Mr H had to do all the baby duties all the time (along with taking care of me duties)! I was in so much pain physically, plus I couldn't pick the little bugger up or hold him for very long without aggravating it. I hope I'll be better by Monday.

A girl at work's mom is watching him the few hours a week I work. It's really ideal. I love my job but I'm not sure how long I'll last. I really miss my punkin when I'm gone!

Part 4

The rest of the birth story -



It's kind of a sleepless blur. At no time we were worried that MC would change her mind. I was surprised by that. At 11 am we fed the baby for the first time. 24 hours after that he would have a test (PKU i think)(I'm still not sure what that is) after which he and we would be released.



Mr H and I took turns having a shower. We fed and changed him. The nurses said to feed him every 3 hours. We took and made phone calls, we stared at him in wonder, and we tried to catch some Z's. We took him over to see MC and left him there for half an hour or so. C brought him back. Mr H took C home to get a change of clothes and to run some errands. We must have had some supper. I don't remember.



Around 9 pm MC and C came over to kiss the baby good night. MC kept telling him how much she loved him and giving him little kisses. We said "Good night Mama" and she went back to her room to bed. After more feedings and diapers I finally got some good sleep going when I woke up with a start. It was a nurse looming over me at 3 am telling me it was time to feed the baby.



The three of us made it through our first night just fine.



We had to switch rooms because so many babies were being born and the hospital needed our 2 bedded room. We ended up in a triage type room for few hours.



The lawyer emailed telling us what the procedure for the day would be. She'd visit MC and have her sign some papers (appointing the adoption agency as guardian - I think). Then she'd some and see us and have us sign a bunch of paper. A social worker came and spoke to MC about the adoption.



Just after 11 the nurse came to take Baby H for his 24 hour test and for the pictures the hospital takes. MC had asked that we help her get those pictures so we made sure to have him looking his best! He passed the test, they managed to sort of get him to open his eyes for the pictures, and they told us we could stay as long as we needed.



Around 1 the lawyer arrived. We signed lots of paperwork. Then MC, C and the Auntie came over to tell the baby good-bye. It was sweet and tearful. I even got C to hug me. Auntie was shocked! We told them we'd come back to visit after court and before we headed home - which would probably be in a week.



The lawyer made plans to run errands with MC and to give them all rides home. We strapped Baby Love into the car seat and THEY LET US WALK OUT OF THE HOSPITAL WITH HIM!!



That may have been the most unbelievable part of this entire thing!



We headed a couple of hours down the road to wait for our court date. We camped out in a Residenc.e Inn. We had 2 bedrooms and a kitchen. It was perfect for our little family!

One month old

My Dear Little Squeaker -

You're One Month old now! I can't believe it! It's been the best month of my life hands down so far! Papa and I love love love you and can't remember life before you arrived!

We spent the first 10 days of your life in Arkansas where you were born and where your birthparents live. They love you very much, too!

While we were in Arkansas we visited The Clinton Library, the Central High School National Historic Site, the State Capitol, and the Art Museum. Papa and I ate lots of catfish and bar-b-Que while we were there.

You went to your first restaurant which was the Woodfire Grill. Uncle K, Aunt J and the boys took us out when they came to see us in Little Rock. You weren't impressed, sleeping the entire time.

Big Grandpa and Grandma G came to see us in Arkansas and went to the Finalization hearing with us.

On October 8, 2010 at 10:10 am you became ours forever!! You slept through that as well.

You sleep a lot. At first you slept almost constantly. You don't fuss much. When you're upset or getting hungry you make little squeaking noises. Now that you're a month old you're awake a couple of hours a day. You like to look around. The ceiling fan and lights are your favorite things to look at.

You're eating 4 oz of formula consistently. It takes about 45 minutes to feed and burp you. Papa and I usually do a diaper change in the middle to wake you up and get you to finish your bottle. Some days you are super hungry and we have to give you 2 more ounces.

You're not a puker and you don't spit up very often. Although, you did get Mama good today while we were at Grandma G's. You gulped down your bottle in 10 minutes, then burped and puked it all over my shoulder, my back, and Grandma's chair! I had to wear one of Grandma's sweatshirts home!

Loud noises and being cold are your least favorite things in life.

I call you "Squeaker", "Punkin" or "the Lump". Papa calls you "Little One". We both call you "Francis" sometimes which is the dog! That's just because he was our baby for so long before you arrived and it slips out when we aren't thinking about it.

Francis wasn't sure what to think about you at first. He's a little bit jealous and will want to sit on our laps or next to us when we are feeding you. He likes to lay on your playmat and make the things that hang down jingle and rattle. If I'm not paying attention he'll try to lick your head!

When you were born you weighed 6 lbs 13.1 oz and 20 inches long. At your one week check up you were still the same length but you were up to 7 lbs 4 oz! AT your 2 weeks check up you weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and were 20.5 inches long. You're just a little guy! You're in the 10-25% for weight; the 50th percentile for length; and with a head circumference of 13.25" you're in the 5th to 10th percentile.

Your hair is getting darker. You have a swirly, counter-clockwise cowlick on the back of your head. Your eyelashes and eyebrows are very, very faint and just starting to come in.

Your cheeks are starting to get chubby. I love to kiss them when I'm burping you. You love to sleep with your hands up by your face or with both arms thrown above you head. When you're in that position I say you must be French because you surrender to everyone!

Right now you are sleeping in the bassinet in Papa and Mama's room. During the day we'll put you on the couch or love seat with a pillow to keep you from rolling off. You can't roll over yet but you really, really want to do so! You've been trying to since you were 1 day old! You're never very far away from us.

It's not necessary to rock you, bounce you, or sing to you to get you to go to sleep. You're really the most mellow and easy going baby. You hardly ever fuss. If you are fussy people that don't know you don't notice because your fussy is most babies' "good" behavior!

Papa and I love you very much! MC and C love you very much! We're so very glad you are here!

Love,

Mama

Part 3

So. There sat Mr H and myself with a baby. our baby. a real, live baby. OMG. It was really weird. We wrapped the little guy up like a burrito and sat there. Mr H went down to the cafeteria to get some food. All through the pregnancy MC had been raving about the food at this hospital. How great it is. How happy she was to be giving birth there because of the great food.

IT was awful! LOL. I went down later and got something else. I ran into the anesthesiologist who delivered Little H. He had on a lightning McQueen scrub cap (the only reason I recognized him). He asked how the little guy was doing. Said he was beautiful and congratulated me again. "That was fun!" he said, "I don't often get to deliver babies!"

I got back upstairs. I showered. Mr H called some family. I felt sooo much more human after that shower. Mr H took a shower. I poked Little H to make sure he was still alive. I texted my best momma friend saying I just poked him! She laughed at me and said, "there's nothing like holding your heart in your hands is there Mama?"

I love her! Her comments and her congratulatory Voicemail is what finally made me cry. I mean I got teary and misty when Little H was born but it was just too much, too surreal. I couldn't fathom it. Yet, now, here i was...holding my child. Who was and is and will be totally dependant on me for a long long time.

Mr H and I tried to get some rest. They told us we'd need to feed him every 3 hours. Those beds are dang uncomfortable.

We wheeled him back over to see the birth parents. We got MC a necklace. It's a key and symbolizes Little H being the key to our hearts and hopefully the key to their future. She loved it. She wears it constantly. I see it in pics of her. The visit didn't last too long. She was still in pain and very tired.

Later she texted and said her sister wanted to see him. Her sister came to our room. We tried to make small talk. We agreed it was "weird".

She said "ya'll were always the ones. She looked at all those books. She looked at yours first and said it was you. She kept looking at other books but said 'nope it's the first ones'. It was always ya'll."

I thanked her for being supportive of MC. The baby started fussing. I said, "What'd you think Baby Love? Do you need changed? Do you want Aunt MC to do it?"

Tears instantly sprang to her eyes, "You'll let him call me Aunt MC?" she asked in disbelief.

Of course! Y0u're his Aunt MC after all! We're family now." I smiled at her.

Then the two of us gazed at Baby Love in wonder.

Birth Story Part Deux

So we got settled in our own room in the hospital across the floor from MC. Mr H and I were ina room with 2 beds. At 11 it was time to feed the little guy. We were using the Enfami.l ready to use premium infant formula. We figured that was a better choice since the simi.lac had been recalled. Also, the ready to go bottles appealed to us because of our away from home situation.

Heath took right to the bottle. He was (and continues to be) a hungry little guy. Several nurses came in a talked to us while we were feeding. They let us know that we'd be there for 24 hours. They'd do a test at his first feeding, then another 24 hours after his first feeding after which we'd be released. Our hospital was VERY adoption friendly. One of the nurses had adopted from the Ukraine (are you reading DEbra?) and another had adopted 2 children domestically. That was very cool for us!

During this time we were texting back and forth with MC. She was having some trouble getting cleaned up and doing all the post birth things that needed done. Once everything got settled we took Heath over to see her. It was very sweet. The birthfather had gotten her some roses and this thing for the door. It was blue with a big rosette with a bear in the middle and a rattle. The ribbons on the rosette had places to put all the baby's birth states. They intended to send it home with us.

MC held him. gave him kisses. checked out his little toes and feet. She kept saying how much she loved him and how he's "going to have the best life ever". No pressure there! We didn't stay too long as she was very tired and very hungry. We went back to our room. Told her to text when she was ready to see him again and to get some rest.

I'm in Love!

With my sweet little son :-)



Everything (well, most everything) is fantastic! Baby H...sleeps, eats, and poops...all in a very calm manner. He is so very mellow!



The un-fantastic part is that on Friday we got a call from the lawyer. Her husband was being rushed to the ER with chest pain so she wouldn't be able to get our affidavits filed and get our court date. We completely understand but it would be nice to know when court will be and when we get to go home!



So back to the birth story.



Baby H came shooting out of there like I mentioned. In fact, MC had just gotten her epidural which is why Mr H and the birthfather were out of the room. The staff didn't even have time to get the bed converted. She gave birth in the bed! There was blood and goosh everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, everywhere!



The doc grabbed Baby H got him in the warmer, started the APGAR (he got a 9) and prints. I cut the cut cord. It was so frantic in there. I wasn't sure what they were asking me! It was a ceremonial cutting to be sure (since we were on the other side of the room for MC) but I did it! It was like cutting through rubber tubing.



The old lady I'd gotten in the scuffle with had left with the bassinet so no one knew what to do with the baby. Dr anaesthesiologist got frustrated finally. He said "we aren't supposed to do this", wrapped him in a blanket, scooped him up and sprinted out into and down the hall across the birthing center to Mr H and my room.



We got in there and the lovely blonde nurse started further assessments on him. She was great. She started trying to scrub the gunk off him. She was scrubbing the hell out of him! No need to worry about hurting the baby apparently! He did great on all his assessments and got another 9.



Mr H was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders. We just watched in amazement and wonder. Then we noticed Baby H's chest was heaving a little and he seemed to be gasping. She called for some other nurses. She said he was having a little trouble that she just wanted to get checked. It never amounted to anything and he was fine in a bit. It's just that it took our assessments a while longer than usual.

He's Here!

Mr and Mrs H are proud to announce the arrival of Baby H!

I can't believe it! We got here at 3:41 am on the 29th. 6#13 oz, 20 inches long. He arrived at 9:54 am. He was delivered by the anthologist! MC went from 6cm to "omg he's here, he's here I have to push!"

"You can't push you're at 6"

"NO HE'S HERE - I HAVE TO PUSH"

"you can't...."

I'm looking down there, I gulp (and gag a little...i mean ewwwww) and sure enough...He was here! He shot outta there like a canon after a tiny quarter of push.

I was all teary and sniffling..It was disgusting and awesome at the same time! He was covered in the stuff (which I'm too tired to think of). They had a hard time getting it all off him. MC didn't want to see him right away...she was in a lot of pain. They did the initial assessment, I cut the cord, i went to get the fathers....stepped out of the room for 3 secs and then had to get into fight with an old lady nurse/gatekeeper to get back in there. She was misinformed about how MC wanted to see him. I got back in with Mr H. The birthfather had gone to the restroom. The old lady had taken off with the bassinette so the anesthesiologist wrapped him up tight, scooped him off, and sprinted down the hall to the other side of the birthing center to our room where further assessments were made.

I'm in love...it wasn't instant. It was weird at first. I'm looking at this baby looking at me looking at him! It's 135 am now and they've got him in the nursery doing a bath and his 2nd 8 hour assessment.

Everything is going great with the birthparents. It's been very, very special. Sweet and heart wrenchingly wonderful.

Whirlwind

At 1o pm Wed night MC called. she sounded slightly hysterical to me. She was crying a little. They couldn't decided if she was in labor or not. One nurse would tell her she was, the next one would say she wasn't. I asked if we should come to her. I reminded her it's a 10 hour drive for us. She said she didn't know. they were supposed to check her in 10 mins and she'd let us know.

Talk about a long 1o minutes. She didn't call back. I looked at Mr H. He looked at me. I said "should we just go?" He said, "yup." We told the teenagers, we called the pound. At 10:47 pm we were on the road.

We didn't hear from her all through the night.

We got to her town and got checked into our hotel.

I texted her. She replied she'd gotten sent home at 345 am. They'd gotten the contractions to stop (she had been at a minute and a half). The pain was from the baby being in position and ready to go. She's dilated to 2cm. Baby is fine. They moved her due date from 0ct 18 to Oct 12.

I told her we were in town. she apologized for not having the baby! She was shocked (and relieved) that we were there. She said she had to get some sleep. That the medicine was kicking her butt. We said we needed to sleep, too, after our drive.

She ended up sleeping through her appointment with her lawyer about TPR.

We ended up going out for supper with her and the birthfather. We really like them. They are good people. They are smart. And funny. They just haven't had much of a chance in life. We made plans to take MC to her ultrasound the following day and to run some errands with her. B, the birthfather, asked that if they induced her could we pick him up from work so he could be there. Of course, we could do that. He then preceded to make sure that we could get from her apt to the hospital; from the hospital to his work; and back to the hospital.

The next morning MC ended going to the doctor early so we didn't need to take her to the appointment. She's no more dilated. He told her to walk, walk, walk. We decided to head home. We were very glad we went even though we didn't really need to be there. It gave us more time with our baby's parents. That alone made the trip worthwhile. MC thanked us for being there and "for being so supportive". That made me sad...if our little trip down there was supportive...poor girl.

We then made the long trip home. I'm excited for the baby to arrive. I would, however, appreciate a little down time before the next long drive!

On the Move

MC (the birthmom) texted and said she was in pain, had been since last night, and "felt weird". I called her right away. She said her grandma was going to take her to the hospital. This was at noon. At 130 I texted to ask what was happening. She was waiting to be sent to the maternity ward. Once you reach a certain point (in the pregnancy) they won't see you in the ER. After another hour and a half she'd finally made it into the computer system and the triage area. She was able to get an ultrasound around 430. The baby is up to 6# something. She's up to 2 cm dilated. They've moved the due date up to Oct 12.

830pm...she just called. She's still in pain. The nurse said they're just waiting for lab results. MC said "results of what? you haven't done anything!" Turns out the no one has done a urine or blood draw. The nurse said "it's been hours!" Supposedly, they're "rushing" the results now (that they've performed the tests).

Physically, we're ready to go! Mentally....not sure. It's a good long drive from here. I'm a planner and HATE not knowing!

Hopefully, MC will get some relief and some answers soon. I think we're going to have a baby sooner than later!!

Since then

It's been a week since we met the birthparents. It's been a relatively calm week. One text for money - all of which was reasonable and expected. She REALLY does not like our lawyer. So she is preferring to go through me. Anything to keep her calm and happy.

Her FB statuses (stati?) have been more and more upbeat as the weeks go by. That gladdens my heart (my cynical, fearful, excited heart).

She had some tests two weeks ago. They never got back to her with the results. I wonder how much of that is because she's a Medi.caid patient? There are two hospitals where she's giving birth. She's now being seen at the "better" one. I had to laugh though because the hospital overlooks a cemetery. If that's not incentive to get well and go home I don't know what would be! Anyway, they called her in yesterday because they'd forgotten to run one test. She's now officially in her 9th month. She was measuring small but the dr said at this point that can change from big to small daily. She's scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday. She says the doctor said "if you make it that long" GULP! Mr H and I have some serious shit getting to get done this weekend!!

The Meeting

Big sigh of relief. It went well.

However, it didn't start well. At 630 am (while we were still 5 hours away) We got a text saying the birthfather was going to be there, too. Which is fine. BUT really? you didn't know this before 630 am of the day we're meeting?

So we continue to drive. Then an hour before we get there we get another text saying they're going shopping and it'll be another couple of hours. We were glad to have the extra time to rest but we both got the feeling that it was going to get cancelled altogether. I HATE what infertility and the adoption process does to a person. you just think negative all the time. At least we do.

When finally got the call that they were back and we headed over. Her apt is cute. She was very anxious to show it too us. I got a hug from her. Mr H got a handshake. The four of us ended up talking for 2.5 hours. We've made breakfast and some sight seeing plans with them for in the morning.

Mr H and I located the hospital and we stopped at a half dozen hotels to find one that will work for us for a week or 2 stay.

There were still some contradictory things that were said but I think some of it comes from pregnancy brain and I think most of the rest is from her being hormonal and working herself up into a state of total pissed off and then not remembering what she's said.

We both feel a lot better now that we've met.

Hopefully the rest of the wait will be much much better!

The storm

It's awful. the calls. the texts. the demands for money. the rudeness to the lawyer and the complete sweet as can be to me. Is she hormonal? Is she a con? What do we do?

it's awful. it's making me sick. But we only have a month or so to go. what do we do? it's awful. we're scheduled to meet her this weekend. I'm currently avoiding my phone. we're checking scam boards. we're considering a PI. Then the next day a complete turn around. it's awful.

The Calm

Things are calm currently. No calls from the lawyer. No calls from the emom. No news is good news it appears. Although she does have the flu. Apparently, Medicaid only pays for 3 prescriptions a month so we helped with some meds for her. A few days letter and it appears she's feeling better.

I got a exer.saucer from my sister's neighbor for $15 and a couple of outfits. We had a coupon for Babies.r.us plus hit a buy one get one sale and got some bottles. We are also the "proud" owners of two packs of diapers, some wipes and a few other things. The crib is arriving this week. We got a crib mattress Friday night. I feel confident in saying if he arrived tomorrow we'd be prepared (except emotionally of course :-).

I'm really enjoying getting people's congratulations and how excited everyone is for us.

Does anyone have any adoption/story type book recommendations? I know I've read them on other blogs but I haven't had much lucky finding posts I remember.

We're going to see the emom over labor day. Advice? Is this a gift bearing occasion? Anyone? I guess I have the next week to obsess over that.

Our baby is due in now less than 2 months!!

Budget Shortfall

I'm looking at our adoption line of credit. I see there is 3k left on it. The adoption itself...courts costs, all the legal stuff is going to be $6,600. NICE. I realize that we have a relatively cheap adoption but STILL. Good grief! I'm really starting to get panicky about money. It just seems wrong to put a kid on a credit card...that's probably what will happen though.

As a bonus..he's being born toward the end of the year so we'll get that deduction sooner which is pretty awesome.

I just talked to the emom. She was in a great mood. Telling me how much she loves the apartment. How much she's looking forward to us coming to see her. She wondered if we'd told people. I said, "Yes, our friends and family know that we're probably having a baby in October." She was glad of that and replied (forcefully) "I want y'all to know I'm not backing out of this."...Your words to God's ears my girl!

The kids got home last night. Not much deprogramming has been necessary. Throwing out of shoes and clothing that are beyond filthy, smelly and destroyed...yes. We got hair cuts and school shopped today. Tomorrow, we leave for a week's vacation in AZ. Grand Canyon here we come!

Dang! Now that I'm thinking about it some of you blog buddies of mine are down that way!!

Today is a good day.

I got the cutest, stinking outfit on sale at K.ohls today! It's a plaid button down shirt onesie with corduroy pants!! I'm seriously out of control. I'd post a picture if my cameras weren't already packed.

*******
AAACK!!! I almost posted this on my family blog! I went to put in the labels and thought "these are weird". Preoccupied much?

And it continues

Shit! I thought the waiting was the rough part. The matching is almost worse. High highs and low lows.

We've got the emom in an apt. We can pay for it until 6 weeks after the birth. We're paying 4 months worth of rent! The utilities are included. We're planning to go and see her over Labor Day weekend. She was in an unsafe situation so we've now paid for a week and a half of hotel until we could get her in the apt. At least I'm getting points. I haven't heard from her in 2 days. The lawyer couldn't get a hold of her either. panic. The laywer texted her. someone texted back saying the emom had left the phone in her car and she'd return it to her after work. I wonder if that's true.

We've found out some stuff about the emom that she didn't intend for us to know. It's stuff that is or will be part of my son's life/past. It will hurt him i'm sure. It's not horrible but it's not ideal by any means either.

AND i have to say i'm really annoyed with people asking me questions about the emom.

"does she have kids?"
"is she educated?"
"why is she giving him up?"
"is she with the father?"
"does she know who the father is?"

It's hard for me. I'm a very open person. But it's none of your effing business.

Being matched is kind of like dating. You really like the person but you don't want to seem to eager. They've said they like you (but do they really mean it?) Should I call? Why haven't they called? If i call will that annoy them and put them off? I wonder if they're ok? and on and on and on. I may need some drug therapy! Today I opted for a bff and margarita therapy!

Stress!

Today has been awful. Baby momma drama. We're bleeding cash. I'm fielding calls from the mom, the dad (is he really the dad? info is conflicting). Her lawyer, our facilitator....and repeat. At 11 am I was almost hysterical.

At noon I thought this match was kaput.

By 2 we're giving it another chance.

I'm exhausted. Emotionally wrung out.

It's True!

We ARE in fact, matched! Our facilitator has taken us off the website. Of all things, not seeing our picture up under "Waiting Families" is what has finally made me believe it's true. We ARE going to have a baby! I AM going to be a MOM. I AM going to be a MOM!

Bonus!

I admit...i can almost admit it to myself....We have a match! (pretty much I think). I'm on the verge of panic attack half the day and most of the night.

Any way...our emom is near enough that we don't have to fly!! YAY!! I'm so very excited about that. I was not at all excited about taking a newborn on a giant germ tube.

Another bonus is that we can finalize before we leave the emom's state. Which leads us to the biggest bonus! We won't have to deal with our dipshit social worker once we get home!! Thank you Jesus. Unfortunately, I will be seeing her next week to update the homestudy. I don't know if I should take the entire day off since there's no way to tell when she might show up (despite making an appointment).

I'm still pretty much in disbelief. We haven't really told anyone IRL. My two best friends know because I was freaking out since Mr H is gone. The girls at work know because we work in an open office and i'm constantly on the phone with our lawyer, the lawyer we hired for her, and the facilitator. It's been crazy. I can only imagine it's going to get crazier. It's really hard for me to enjoy this and allow it to be real....no matter how it turns out.

Out of Body Experience

Talking to the emom is like having an out of body experience. I hear myself talking to her. I hear her telling me she wants us to parent her baby. I hear her saying she wants to give her child the life she can't and she wants to give me the child that I can't conceive.

I can't believe it's true. I'm excited but I'm cautious. We've told 2 friends. That's mostly because Mr H is in a different hemisphere and I'm in full freak out mode. I can't imagine how he's feeling. Luckily he's exhausted from the time change and I don't think he's dwelling on it like I am. I know he's excited and cautiously optimistic too. He's just not the one that's here..making the calls, getting calls from C etc etc.

I have let myself look at baby stuff online. And I've dug the baby quilt out of the hall and intend to get back to embroidering it.

How did you all handle this phase - if you're fortunate enough to have made it to this phase? When did you know it was official? Was there paper work to sign? Commitments to make legal? I hope we'll know more Monday or Tuesday.

Is this It?

I think this might be it! We talked to an emom tonight. She's due in October.

"I want you to be my baby's parents. You're the only ones I like. You're the only ones I'm talking to. Do you want to have my baby?"

I think I'm going to be a mom in 3 months!

This feels like this is it.

Note: Mr H is currently on the otherside of the world...for real! It's just me, the dog, and you blog buddies!

Still waiting

Hello all...anyone still bother to check this blog I never update?

I just got back from a driving trip to CA.

I'm going to be a better blogger :-)

I'm reading all your blogs. I just live by the adage of "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all."

SO the emom that we talked to.....
she called the facilitator right after we talked and said she really liked us...but wanted to talk to another couple. Then she called C late, late that same night asking for a counselor. C found out she was upset that her purse had been stolen, she'd lost her rent money etc etc. C said it sent up huge red flags for her. C suggested she call the police. Said she couldn't really do anything for her. After all at this point she was just an emom calling about the services she wasn't "signed up" or anything.

C hasn't heard from her since.

And THAT would be the latest on our adoption front. I've accepted the fact that if..after our 3 years with C are up (we have 2 left) that we may not have a child. Then I'm done.

Currently, I'm ok with it. I'll be 41 then. Mr H will be pushing 50. We'll just call it another one of those life things that didn't work out like we thought it would.

Maybe I"ll be surprised. We'll see.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Another Phone Call

We were out celebrating Mr H's birthday last night when I got a call from "Restricted." It was the facilitator. An expectant mom wanted to talk to us. Were we in a place we were could call her? We ditched Mr H's friends and work buddies and ran over to his office to call.

The mom, I'll call her LA, had spoken to a family the previous night but wanted to speak to us too. She'd spoken to them for 1.5 hours. I was oddly calm. It was kind of like an out of body experience. We spoke for 45 min. She has a child already and wants to do right by this one. She's just in place where she is getting her life together and doesn't think it's fair to the baby, her older child or herself to try and raise this one.

The call was great. She asked us if we wanted to be there for the birth. How much openness we wanted. How she'd like to meet before the birth.

I called the facilitator afterward. Told her I'd thought it went well. Gave her a few details. (All left on her voicemail). She called me about a half hour later. Said LA had reported she really liked us but she'd asked to talk to another family. C and LA are supposed to talk again today.

Now I feel like I f'd up the phone call. LA didn't want to talk to Mr H. Maybe I should have insisted. I didn't ask her a lot about herself (C had already told me lots...I didn't want to interrogate her). I didn't tell her how much i really really want a baby ( I didn't want to pressure her).

UGH. I hate popularity contests and this is what I feel like this is.

NOW I know "the right baby will find Me" and "the Lord works in mysterious ways" and all that but DANG! Why does this have to be so hard? Isn't infertility and barrenness enough?

SO my bloggy friends...Please keep us and LA in your prayers and thoughts and anything else you do or believe. I think we all could use it.

Well then

Nothing seems to be coming of the text baby situation. I got a little excited there for a minute. If nothing else it goaded me into some action and made me realize that despite what I tell myself I really do still want a baby.

So there you have it. Still want a kid. Still don't have one. Perhaps this will cause me to be proactive and make some pass along cards. I should probably look and see when I need to update the homestudy. I know that's coming up shortly. Dealing with our dippy social worker is sure to put me in the loveliest of moods.

The Text!

I get a text from a friend today saying "If I ever heard about adoption possibilities do you want me to tell you?"

um.........

YES!!

A friend of hers (acquaintance of mine) has a friend who is 4 mo pregnant with her 3 child. She had two little ones already and cannot imagine being able to raise another child. (sounds good so far). She is very serious about adoption and the acquaintance has told her all about us, shown her our FB adoption page etc.

The emom lives on the other side of the state.

Now Mr H has to go to the Philippines for work at least once a year. I've gone with him previously. The acquaintance believes the father is Filipino. (Is that a sign or what?)

I've forwarded our adoption profile to the friend, who has forwarded it to the acquaintance who will forward it to the emom, contacted our facilitator (which gave me no small amount of angst)(who knew is was impossible to edit a pdf that you yourself didn't make?) and left a message for our lawyer friend.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

.....it's not working. I wonder if this could be it?

Home again

We had a fun filled whirl wind of a weekend in NYC! If I lived there I would totally spend all my money on theater tickets. There were so many shows and so many that I wanted to see!

We went to Mary Poppins (awesome!) and A little Night Music with Catherine Zeta Jones and Angela Lansbury. I was within inches of CZJ when she went in the stagedoor before the play. It was a total accident. She is skinny skinny skinny and gorgeous! We ate lots, walked lots, and slept late. It was a nice break.

City wide garage sales are this weekend. Last year a got a huge load of baby stuff, a changing table and lots more. I don't think I can bear to go this year.

I gave up Facebook for Lent. Now that I'm back I see a lady that runs and adoption support group I'm part of got the call and her son arrived while I was gone. Although I'm happy for her I can't help being jealous and sad for me. Human nature I guess. They had already gone through one disruption a few months back, too. How is it they were matched twice and we haven't even been matched once? ugh. I told the girls at work I was over "the whole adoption thing".

It's not true though.

I can't take it!

I'm at work. The woman I'm filling in for is in here with her 6 weeks old son COMPLAINING!!

Other girls are talking about who should have one next.

I'm hiding out in my cube.

It's 10:33 I don't know if i'll make it till noon.

Mr H and I are headed to NYC for the weekend. Shall we call it my babymoon?? HA!

Guess what the easter bunny didn't bring me!

You guessed it! No kid. No chocolate either for that matter.

I haven't blogged much of late. My friend, Rikki says, "If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all." So that's what I've been doing.

I noticed, reading blogs the other day, that several people whom I am friends have recently celebrated their child's first birthdays. I bet their year has gone a lot faster than mine.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm healthy. The teenagers and the husband are healthy. I suppose I could be more proactive. I just put it out of my mind most days. I'll just chalk this whole adoption thing up to another colossal waste of time and money. Not as if I haven't colossally wasted time or money before.

Two of my employees are pregnant. So it's being said, "better not drink the office water or you'll be next!"

They know we're adopting but apparently since i didn't specifically say we're adopting because I am infertile they most just think we're doing it out of the "goodness of our heart".

Arentcha all glad I posted??

***
Thanks for the encouraging/empathetic comments I've received. It really does help!

Just call me bitter betty!

What does that tell you?

I didn't call for an update last month or this month.

I'm about over this whole adoption journey.

Just keeps getting better

So the (formerly) pregnant girl i'm w0rking for while she's on maternity leave came in today with her 10 day old baby son.

ugh.

I had started coughing about an hour before so it gave me a great reason to not go anywhere near the little bugger.

I kept looking at him and I just can't imagine myself having one.

I've got mail!

Mr H and I are members of Postcrossing. It's the coolest thing ever! You sign up and then send a receive postcards from all over the world. Well, I got this little gem today!



But that's not the cool part.........

This is:

I've been feeling down about adoption. How awesome is this to receive in the mailbox? According to her postcrossing profile she looks to be freshman in college. She's laughing and has a great smile!

Just what I needed!

Danielle of Where I Intended to Be and I are at about the same point in our adoption journey. She gave me this Beautiful Blogger Award which has really served as a pick me up as I sit here childless in the frozen tundra.

SO here are the rules:

1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs.

So Seven Interesting things about me. Hmm. Well, we'll see how interesting these items are!

1) I collect state map postcards. I only need to get Delaware to complete my collection.

2)I was very involved in 4-H as a child and teen. I was a state record book winner (big deal) and went to the National 4-H Congress. I was also one of two youth nation wide who attended a Master Communicator conference.

3) I bought my first home by myself at age 21 and opened my own business.

4)I've driven to west on I-80 to CA 6 times but I've only driven it back east once.

5) I fell in love with France when I was 15 and visited Annecy during high school.

6) I long to move to the country (even though I only live in town of 5,000 people).

7) I apparently make kick ass pumpkin and chocolate pecan pies even though I don't like (and won't taste) either of them.

I'm not sure who to nominate for this award. It looks like it's been making the rounds.

So (I say that a lot) on the adoption front.....


NADA. Just like the previous months. Valentine sex, resulting accidental pregnancies have to be coming to light right? Ground hog day misadventures? ST Patty's is coming up that's got to be good for drunken unprotected sex right?

The pregnant girl (for whom I'm taking over for during maternity leave) last day was today. She's got a scheduled c-section for Friday. I'm not excited to be taking over her work but I am glad not to have her big belly and swollen breasts mocking me on a daily basis.

C'est la vie I guess.

So easily disappointed

Got a call today. The caller id said "blocked". The ONLY blocked calls we get are from C, our facilitator. Well, it used to be those were the only blocked calls we got. It was the plumber :-(

Oh well. I'm feeling better. Mr H and I celebrated our wedding anniversary over the weekend with a lovely room in a historic hotel. We ate ourselves silly and spent did some relaxing in the deep and spacious jetted tub. He planned it all :-)

As he says "I am a lucky (wo)man!"

A Year Later

So it's a year since we decided to adopt. What has happened during that time? We've spent a lot of money, filled out a lot of paperwork and that's about it.

I sort of feel like our time is coming but mostly I don't. I used to be excited about it but now I'm must blah. I honestly don't think about it that much at all. I CAN'T! I hate being vulnerable. I hate not being in control. I hate not having a plan.

There's a family reunion in CA in June. We're going. Well, now I'm going maybe. Mr H doesn't want to take the vacation time because we'll need that paid time when the baby comes. "WHAT baby" was my reaction. He's an optimist. I'm a pessimist.

We're old(er). Maybe we never should have done this. We should just be saving and looking forward to retirement and not be selfish and want something we (I) can't have.

I wish the damn sun would shine!

Haiti

My heart is breaking. I'm watching CNN and they're interviewing a couple watching footage of their in limbo adopted son. It's so very sad.

We sent money to the Red Cross today. Approx 92 cents of every dollar is used directly for relief.

I wish I could do more. I find myself glued to the footage like I was during Katrina.

Update Time

We've been shown 17 times since we went active in August. I see another family has gone missing from the website so now it's at 18. C said Dec was quiet but January has been very active thus far. Dec had 2 births and there's been one this month. She also said there are 2 matches working for January and she's hoping to have several more.

So that sounds pretty good.

I just read The Thirteen Tale and loved it! My bookclub was tonight and we discussed The Rope Walk. It was a slow book to get started but then I found it to be sweet and very descriptively written.

Have you all been reading anything good? There's not much fun to do here with all this snow and ice and cold.

Nineteen

Now there are 19 waiting families with our facilitator. I've been keeping track. The two latest families include professional musicians and rocket scientists. F**k me. I think i might be starting to get crabby.

Not to mention my little job is going to turn into a full time job (blech) when i take over for the PREGNANT chick when she goes on maternity leave. Plus I think I heard another chick in the office is pregnant.

Our update is on the tenth. I can pretty much tell you what it's going to say.

I'm REALLY tired of this cold cold arctic weather. We're under yet another winter storm warning. 5 -8" of snow, near white out conditions, -20 to -30 degree + wind chill. Yippee! At least I don't have to worry about taking a baby out in that kind of weather right?

Happy New Year!

I'm still amongst the living. I'm still childless. I'm still ok :-)

We've been staying in. It's freakin' cold. We went to It's Complicated today. We really enjoyed it.

Has anyone seen Precious? I can't do it. I also can't watch the MTV adoption show though I caught a little of it the other night. I very quickly changed the channel.

We went to SD to my in-laws over Christmas. I'm working on embroidering a baby blanket. My MIL asked "who's that for". Nice. It wasn't malicious. It just isn't part of their consciousness. Overall we had a lovely visit. My almost 8 year old nephew is hilarious, loud and adorable. We were betting on UNO and bingo. He went "all in".

I hope you all had decent holidays. I've decided I will just be like that river in Egypt. Denile Denile Denile works for me!!